On the Edge
by Aesha
Summary: ‹COMPLETE› We were from five different worlds with five different lives. By fate - or simply a coincidence - we came together as one, sharing a common goal. 'Let's break free from this world,' I had said. Let's take one last breath and say goodbye... forever.
1. escape

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Card Captor Sakura, or its characters—CLAMP does. Any resemblance of events or characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Unauthorized duplication, in any shape or form, of this story is prohibited.

Good reading to all and comments are **always** _loved_. **:)**

* * *

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「E ◦ S ◦ C ◦ A ◦ P ◦ E」

_CRASH!_

"Watch where you're going, you dork!"

Everyone had stopped eating to turn their attention to the entrance, where the commotion was coming from. A girl with black hair, tied into two ponytails, was surrounded by a group of upperclassman girls—the _popular_ ones, also known as the top of the food chain.

An upperclassman girl looked down at her outfit and scowled in disgust. Narrowing her eyes at the black-haired girl, she shoved the other girl into a nearby trash can and yelled, "I just bought this shirt yesterday!"

The freshman fell to the floor as she closed her eyes to blink away the tears.

"Aw!" the girl's aggressor mocked to her group of friends.

"The little wittle girl is going to cry. I feel _so_ terrible! Here, let me help you up," another upperclassman girl said as she stepped on the freshman's hand with her heel.

"Namiko, that's enough," another girl in the group called out.

All attention turned to the leader of the group, Daidouji Tomoyo, the most popular girl in school. Amethyst eyes looked down pityingly at the pair of black eyes and said, "Let's go."

"T-Tomoyo!" Her friend was reluctant to let the situation slide though.

"I said _let's go_." And with those final words, the group of girls walked away, leaving the other girl to gather herself together from the mess. No one bothered to help her or ask her if she was okay... _including me_.

I just sat there and watched silently. The girl was now picking strands of spaghetti that had gotten into her hair as a result from knocking the trash can over. One strand at a time, one by one, she removed each strand slowly. Passers-by took one glance at her and snorted. Some would laugh and throw trash at her or call her nasty names.

Others, including the faculty and staff, pretended as though they saw nothing because they didn't want to interfere with the law. The elite group had created for the school an unwritten law called 'the _social ladder_'. To the school's administration, as long as the parents kept funding the school, disciplinary actions weren't needed. See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil—that was the motto. Unless, of course, 'actual harm' was done.

The social ladder was all about two things: looks and money. If you had both, you were at the top. If you had one or the other, then you were second best. And if you had neither, you were classified into the '_outcast_' group. The outcasts included the geeks, the nobodies, the junkies, and the freaks (going from high to low in the social ladder). Everybody was labeled, and nobody made friends with anybody in a group that was different from theirs. It was a rule. One could get seriously hurt if they broke this rule. So when one you someone weak being picked on, you either join the crowd or silently walk away.

A lot of people viewed the social ladder as a bunch of crap, but no one dared to utter a word. They were scared that they would suddenly turn into the victims, so they grew to _accept_ whatever pathetic role they'd been given...like it was their calling. Then there were those who yearned deeply for an escape from this circle of life, but just didn't know how.

There were also those that did, but _resolution_ meant something different.

"You have to be faster than that!"

I averted my attention over to the lunch line. A group of jocks were tossing another guy's glasses back and forth in the air.

"Come on!"

"Can I have my glasses back?" the dark haired boy asked quietly, his eyes looking down at the floor.

"You want it back?" One of the guys waved the glasses in his hand. "Say please."

"Can I have my glasses back, _please_?" the boy asked again.

The other guy smiled slyly. "Of course." He dropped the glasses to the floor and stomped on it until it was useless to anybody. "Well, aren't you going to pick it up? You wanted it back, didn't you?"

"Scum," the person standing in line behind them snorted.

The leader of the jocks turned to face said person. "You said something?"

"What if I did?" the other guy challenged back.

"You need to learn your place!"

Everyone quickly scattered to the side as the jocks ganged up on the boy with chocolate brown hair. I looked over to the teacher's table; they were all just sitting there, chatting away like they didn't know what was going on. One of their students was being beaten like a ragged doll, and they were pretending as though nothing was wrong.

"Sakura?" I snapped my eyes away from the scene, and looked at the person that was talking to me. "What are you doing in the cafeteria?"

"Terada-sensei said that since I've been good, I can eat in here with the other kids." I answered.

The red haired woman smiled. "I'm glad to hear that." She patted me on the head and glanced back at the fight. Frowning slightly, she placed her hand on my shoulder and said, "Let's go to my office."

I nodded and glanced over my shoulder one last time. The fight had been broken up, and the principal was now talking to the boy. I felt sorry for him. He was going to get punished when it was the jocks who were causing the trouble. Where was the justice in that? The principal seemed to be yelling, but the boy wasn't listening to him. He shoved his hands into his pockets and headed towards the entrance.

Kaho-san and I stopped walking when we saw the boy a few feet ahead of us. Amber eyes met mine for a brief second and quickly disappeared as the doors swung close. I didn't know what it was that I felt... but I'd felt _something_ when our eyes met. Like a sort of familiarity. But of course, that wasn't possible because we didn't even know each other.

_That was what we thought..._

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"Your brother tells me that you've been using the teen hotline." Kaho-san motioned for me to take a seat when we got to her office. "Is it helping?"

I nodded.

She smiled. "Can you tell me more about it?"

"I started out talking to this woman," I said. "She asked me some questions, like the ones you normally ask me. Then she asked me if I wanted to try talking in a group with other teens over the phone."

"And did you?" I nodded again. "How long have you been talking to this group?"

"A month now."

"And do you feel better after talking to them?"

I bit my bottom lip. Was her definition of '_better_' the same as mine, or were we thinking of two different things?

"Yes..." I said, finally. "Yes, I do... I feel better."

The door suddenly opened, and a brown haired man walked in while asking, "Mizuki-san, you were looking for me?"

Kaho-san stood up slowly. "Yes. May I speak with you outside for a moment?"

"Of course," the man answered and smiled at me slightly. "Kinomoto-chan, did you enjoy lunch?"

I nodded. "Yes. Thank you, Terada-sensei."

"I'll be right back," Kaho-san said and left, closing the door behind her. "What were you thinking?" My head snapped to the door when I heard Kaho-san's muffled voice coming from the other side. "I'm her counselor, but I'm also her psychiatrist. She can't be around the other kids. That's why I requested the principal to put her under special care."

"Mizuki-san, Sakura seems perfectly healthy to me. I don't see the harm of putting her in normal classes. She's capable of doing things the other kids are doing, if not better. She is way ahead of the other kids in my class and—"

"Her brother wants her to be in the special education class," said the other woman. "Terada-san, I know you are thinking of her own good, but if you really are thinking for Sakura, you'd do what I ask as her psychiatrist."

"Of course..." I heard my teacher said softly. "I heard there was another fight at lunch today," he continued. "I hope that didn't bother Sakura."

"Believe me when I say that she has seen worse," said Kaho-san. "I will send Sakura back to your class after we are finished."

I quickly turned around in my seat when I heard the door open. "You shouldn't blame Terada-sensei," I said as Kaho-san came back to her seat.

"What?"

"It wasn't his fault," I said again. "I asked him to let me go."

"Sakura, why? You know you're not supposed to."

Why?

I wanted to see for myself if it was true. If what the things people in my hotline group said were true. If people were really that cruel...

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

When I walked into the house, my older brother was sleeping in the living room with the remote control in one hand and a book on his chest. I suppressed a smile and gently slid his reading glasses off his face. I laid the book on the coffee table and tried to pry the remote control out of his hand.

He started to stir, slowly, opening his eyes. "Did I fall asleep again?"

"Yeah."

"Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?" he started asking.

I shook my head. "No," I said shortly. "I'll be in my room."

"O-Oh... okay."

I could tell that he was watching me as I walked up the stairs. I wanted to turn around and tell him how much I loved him, how grateful I was to have a brother like him, and how important he was to me. I wanted to let him know that I appreciated everything he had ever done for me.

...But I couldn't.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him in the face; I was too ashamed.

I walked into my room and locked the door. I picked up the phone and started to dial the number I'd grown used to. It had become a sort of habit. Every day after school, I would dial the same number.

"Hello, who would you like to reach?" the voice on the other line asked.

"Tsukada-san," I answered.

"Please hold while I transfer your call."

And I waited.

"Tsukada speaking," a woman said on the other line. "Are you here for individual talk or group talk?"

"Group, please," I said.

"Alright, then. Which group, hun?"

"Thirteen."

"Three of your group members are on the line," Tsukada-san said. "I will hook you in. Wait just a minute."

And I waited again.

"Chocolates are better!" a voice suddenly exclaimed loudly; obviously belonging to a girl.

"You only say chocolate because you're a girl," a boy said this time, his voice was gentle and calm.

I smiled slightly. "What are you guys talking about?" I asked.

"Flame!" the girl said. "Tell Pi that chocolates are better than everything else."

When we started this group talk through the hotline, we hid our real names from each other and had picked a one word nickname. I chose 'Flame' for the inferno fire that burned inside me. The others chose Pi, Raven, Abyss, and Heroin.

"This is a pointless conversation," a deeper male voice said for the first time.

"If it isn't Mr. Heroin," I started joking. "We're missing Abyss?"

"I wonder where she is," said Pi. "We're all at home now."

"Maybe she's an underclassman," Raven suggested. There was a long silence after what she'd just said. I guessed we were all thinking about the same thing: that Raven had a point. Upperclassmen got out of school earlier than underclassmen, so that must've meant the four of us were upperclassmen.

The silence continued as no one said a word. The only sound being heard was our breathing. Every single one of us wanted to know our group members' identities, but we'd made a solid promise at the beginning that we would not ask any personal questions. If one person wanted to talk, the rest would listen—that was the system.

But I suppose somewhere deep inside of us, we felt as though we had the right to know _more_ about the other person because we'd told them secrets and shared feelings with them we had never shared before with anyone else. We had been talking to each other for a month now, pouring out the emotions we had locked away over the years to one another, and we relied on one another to keep those secrets.

We all knew that we shared something in common, but were we willing to risk our only sanctuary to take another step?

"I talked to Abyss last night," Raven was the first to speak again. "We've agreed to meet each other, but we didn't know about you guys."

I was surprised by her words.

"She and I are meeting tomorrow morning on the school's roof at six," she said.

Heroin snorted on the other line. "You're both crazy."

"I just wanted to let you three know. I'll talk to you later." And she left.

Six.

School didn't start until eight though. How would they get in? They weren't going to sneak through the security, were they? Unless...

…one of them was privileged with _that_ power.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I couldn't fall sleep at all after hanging up the phone. I kept thinking about _that_. Pi and Heroin didn't say how they'd felt about Raven's sudden announcement, or discussed what they were going to do. And I didn't ask.

I looked down at my watch and sighed. 5:45. Touya wasn't home when I woke up, so I left the house and had been circling around the school for about half an hour until I finally decided to go inside. To my surprise, there wasn't a security man at the gate, and the main entrance was unlocked. The halls were empty; so empty that a chilly wind gusted by.

I turned around a corner and headed up a staircase no one had bothered to use before. My footsteps echoed louder and louder as I neared the top. The walk was slow and agonizing as the thoughts ran through my mind again. The exit was just feet away from me, and, in a minute or two, I would be on the roof... I would meet them.

It felt like the _right_ thing to do. Even though I didn't know who they were, I felt as though we were meant to be put in the same group. Like we were meant to find each other.

I looked down at my watch again. 5:59.

One more minute.

Maybe they didn't come. Maybe they all had forgotten about it. Maybe I was just wasting my time. Maybe...

Before I could take another step, I felt a beam of light on my face. I stiffened as a figure stood on top of the stairs, preparing to descend. The person stopped in his tracks and looked at me strangely. For the second time that week, I gazed into his amber eyes.

Standing in the doorway behind him was a girl and another boy.

"We're all here then." I turned around to meet a pair of amethyst eyes. The new face smoothly tucked a strand of raven hair behind her ear and said, "This is quite a surprise, _isn't it_?"

_Daidouji Tomoyo_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I leaned onto the rail and looked up at the sky as we stood on the roof, a few feet apart from each other. How did this happen...?

"Because I asked that we meet," said the raven haired girl, "I'll introduce myself first. I'm Raven, but you probably know me as—"

The boy with amber eyes snorted. "I think we all know who _you_ are, Daidouji Tomoyo."

The girl smiled sweetly. "You must be Heroin," she said. "I am charmed."

"You helped me yesterday..." the other girl in the group said quietly, "…ironic, isn't it?"

Raven didn't reply.

"You all call me Abyss. My real name is Li Meiling, and I'm in the 'nobody' category."

Li Meiling, the girl that was picked on by the group of girls the day before at lunch. I couldn't believe that she was Abyss. The girl I saw the day before was timid, quiet, and aloof; but the Abyss that I knew was strong, bold, and open. She'd always voiced her opinions strongly on the phone. It was like she was two different people. But I suppose that wasn't strange.

We _all_ had another side to us.

"I'm Pi," the dark haired boy with glasses was next. "Hiiragizawa Eriol, a geek."

I recognized him as the boy that was being picked on by the group of jocks at lunch the day before.

The remaining boy grunted. "Li Syaoran. Like she said earlier, I'm Heroin. It has nothing to do with me being a junkie. No, I'm not related to Abyss."

And him, the boy who'd fought with the jocks.

Everyone turned to look at me. "Kinomoto Sakura. I'm a _freak_," I said.

"You?" Abyss asked skeptically. "But you look so normal."

I looked down at the ground. "We all _look_ normal, but what can you say or do when you've been labeled?"

No one said anything. Time seemed to have stopped as we stood there, just staring into space and avoiding each other's gazes. Maybe it was the wrong decision to meet up after all. Maybe we would've still been friends if we didn't meet.

Friends...?

Were we even friends before to begin with, or just a bunch of strangers who had found each other on a whim and decided to use each other to pass time?

"What now?" asked Heroin.

"I wanted everyone to meet because I..." Raven started saying quietly, but she then paused all of a sudden as if she was scared. Scared of saying whatever it was out loud. "...I... I thought of what Flame said a long time ago."

All eyes turned to look at the girl before us. Apparently, no one had forgotten what I'd said not too long ago. I hadn't meant to say it. It had just come out.

Abyss and Raven were crying. Raven's mom had yelled at her again, and she couldn't take the pressure so she sought out for us on the hotline. Abyss... well...

I was listening to them over the phone, and it just came out.

'_Let's escape from this inferno then. Let's break free from this world,_' I had said. '_Let's end this... together._'

Let's take one last breath and say goodbye... _forever_.

"Don't you have a lot to lose?" I asked her.

"I can't live like this anymore." Tears began to form in her eyes. "Every single day, one day after the next...I want to escape."

I didn't know if the girl before me was really Daidouji Tomoyo. She sounded like Raven; but Daidouji Tomoyo was nothing like Raven. Raven was like the rest of us _outcasts_. Daidouji Tomoyo..._wasn't_. She had the attention that we didn't have. She had the looks, money, popularity and power. If I didn't hear Raven's side of the story first, I probably wouldn't have felt sorry for this girl before me.

But who was I to pity others?

"Count me in," said Pi.

Heroin shrugged his shoulders. "You guys already know my story; just tell me when and where."

Abyss turned to look at me. "What do you say, Flame? I'm in and that just leaves you."

"It was my idea, wasn't it?"

So it was set.

"My family has a cabin on the mountains that no one uses anymore. It's a thirty-minute drive there," Raven said quickly when she saw a car pulling into the school's driveway. "We can use it as our meeting place, so let's meet up after school."

"I probably can't go," I stated quietly. "My Onii-chan will question me if I ask him for a ride up to the mountains."

"And I get out of school late because I'm an underclassman," Abyss said.

Pi adjusted his glasses slightly. "I can pick you up after work," he offered to Abyss. "I work in a bookstore on weekends, and it's just down the corner from the school."

"Thanks, Pi!"

"What about Flame though?"

Heroin said, "I can give her a ride."

Our eyes met for a second, and then he quickly looked away.

"Okay, I'll meet you and Flame after school," said Raven. "Abyss and Pi can meet up with us later. Let's exchange our cells."

As if by some sort of force, the five of us came into each other's lives and became intertwined together without knowing why or how it had happened. Before we knew what was compelling us, we started to lose the barriers that we put up to protect ourselves from the cruelties and futilities in life. It had just happened as simple as that.

Every one of us had problems of our own. The problems might not seem like a big deal, but they were still problems we had to deal with every single day of our lives. Sometimes, the problems just piled up until we no longer had any control and we just gave up. That was what we all did. We had given up.

We just accepted _this_ as an answer to our problems, an easy escape from Hell.

What we didn't know was that we were going to become a part of something we've always hated... the something we all wanted an escape from.

"Flame," Abyss spoke very quietly, "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded.

"Why do you want to—" she took a quick pause, "—rid of yourself? I know that every one of us has problems, but we've never heard of your reason. Till now, I still don't know what is it that you want to give up."

The others stopped whatever they were doing to look at us. There was a long pause, and for a moment, I couldn't find my own voice.

Pi was the youngest in the group, yet he was in a higher grade than the rest of us. But in an environment where money and looks were all that mattered, his intelligence was shunned upon as a _thing_ that excluded him from the "_normal_" crowd, labeling him an outcast with no friends, no nothing.

Heroin, the junkie in the group, turned to drugs when society rejected him as a human being. Heroin and marijuana were his best friends; his _only_ friends. In the eyes of others, he was nothing but an addict. But he wasn't addicted to the drugs. He was addicted to the end result of the drugs. _Death_.

Raven aka Daidouji Tomoyo seemed to be leading the perfect life every girl dreamed about for years. She was lucky enough to be born into a rich family with a pretty face that could put anyone to shame and graced with a popular reputation…but there was more to the girl than what was on the outside. Raven was raised to be perfection and nothing less by her mother. Every step that she took and every breath that she breathed had to be _perfect_, or else it wouldn't be up to her mother's standards. Her mother starved her whenever she gained a little weight, and the girl was expected to throw up twice a day, morning and night. She was also not allowed to leave the house unless her mother approved of her appearance. She wasn't allowed to be make friends of her own either; all of the people she hung out with had been specially handpicked by her mother for their well-connected family or evident successful future.

Abyss, the second youngest in the group, had anything but a smooth life. Her mother passed away when she was little, and she had to live with her father, an abusive and sick man. She'd developed a fear of the opposite sex because her mind was haunted by the things he'd done to her. She didn't tell us what kind of things he'd done to her specifically, but I could've guessed.

All of our problems were different from each other. Mine was nothing compared to them.

"Problems," scoffed Heroin when he saw my silence. "We all have them. It doesn't matter."

"Yeah," agreed Raven.

I turned my back to them and looked out into the parking lot. Cars were slowly pulling in; probably the teachers. I licked my dry lips and parted them slightly before letting the words out...slowly.

"I killed my parents."

* * *

«—to be continued—»

.x.

Word Count: 4,136


	2. wings

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「W ◦ I ◦ N ◦ G ◦ S」

For a moment, I didn't know if it was my own voice or someone else's. A long silence passed over us and I didn't turn around to look at them. I couldn't. As I looked out into the parking pot, I started to remember how it all had started not too long ago. To me, the memories felt as though they were just from yesterday. No matter what I'd tried, or how long ago it was, the memories still followed me like a haunting shadow.

I'd always felt as though I hated my parents. I had loathed them with a strong passion. Although my existence would've been nothing without them, I hated them for bringing me into this world and then forgetting that I even existed in their lives.

To them, I was always _different_ from everyone else, especially my brother, and that was a disappointment to them because I could never _be_ like my brother. In their eyes, he was the epitome of the perfect son; their perfect kid. Me...? I was just the _other_ child, a dim shadow under my brother's spotlight.

_"Sakura, please don't play with your cereal," my mother had said one morning. She quickly snatched the spoon from my hand. "Your father and I put food on the table so you can eat, not so you can play with it. Eat."_

_She handed the spoon back to me, and I started to eat slowly, not looking at anybody at the breakfast table. My father was reading the newspaper, like every other morning. He was always looking for odd jobs to earn a little extra money. My mother worked as a cook for this run-down restaurant, earning enough to buy a certain amount of food every month. It was my father's paychecks that paid for the bills, our clothes, and everything else financially. My father had to work multiple jobs in order to keep the family running._

_It wasn't until recently that my parents became stressed about our financial problems. My brother, who was going to graduate from high school soon, was preparing to go to college and my parents wanted to do everything to ensure that he would have a bright future because he was their only hope._

_They never thought of me. Of course, they didn't have the time to. It was always _'Touya this', 'Touya that'_, and '_Sakura, look at Touya's footsteps and follow them'_. Being five at that time, I didn't understand anything. Sometimes, I would naively ask my brother if our parents loved me or not. He would laugh and ruffle my hair before saying that they did and that I shouldn't think otherwise._

_When my brother left for college, it was like the only affection I had left was taken away from me also. The house became very sullen, and my parents were always working. At first, I had this foolish idea that I could make my parents proud, somehow._

_"Otou-san, Okaa-san! Look at the picture that I drew in class yesterday!"_

_"Is that what they teach you in school?" said my father with unconcealed contempt. "Public school systems. You pay the taxes and they teach your kids to draw and color."_

_"Hurry up and eat your breakfast, Sakura," my mother said. "Your father and I have to go to work soon."_

_I guessed my father saw the slightly disappointed look on my face because the next thing he said brightened my whole day. "It's a very nice drawing."_

_Happiness was ephemeral though. It came and went just like that. Happiness never lasted, especially for me._

_I tried everything to get my parents to acknowledge me, to see me, and to praise me. Although, most attempts were in vain because in their eyes, I was nothing compared to my older brother. I had always loved my older brother because he was the only one that paid attention to me, played with me, and praised me for the little things that I did. I had always looked up to him starting from when I was very young. To me, he was like a hero who was always there to save me from danger when I was growing up._

_But that love soon grew into jealousy, which sparked an underlying aversion that I never knew was there until he'd come back from college on my seventh birthday. It was supposed to be a big day for me. I had waited all year long for that day to come because I'd foolishly thought that my parents would pay some attention to me. That I was going to get a little of their affection, even if it was just for one day._

_My parents were happy... _very _happy. But it wasn't because it was my birthday. It was because their _wonderful _son had come home. Although Touya bought me the doll set that I wanted very badly, I couldn't help but hate him. I hated him for taking away the little attention that was rightfully mine._

_It was then and there that I hated all of them. Every single one of them: my mother, my father, and my brother. All of them._

_I hated all of them._

_And it was then and there that I'd decided not to become a part of my brother's shadow._

_It was also then and there that I'd started to lose myself, little by little._

I continued to look out into the parking lot. More cars were coming in now, and deep down inside, I knew our time was up... for now.

"We should go." Abyss broke the silence. "We'll meet up later."

The others agreed and gradually left, one by one, until it was just me and Raven on the roof together. I still had my back to her.

"Flame, thank you for coming," she said before turning around to walk away.

When everyone was gone, when nobody was there with me anymore, I finally turned around and slid down to the ground, letting my tears fall into the palms of my hands. I didn't know why I was crying. I just did, and the tears wouldn't stop falling either.

The door suddenly opened.

"Flame, I forgot to tell you to meet me—" I looked up to meet Heroin's startled expression. "Were you crying?"

I wiped the tears from my face. "Something was in my eyes," I lied.

"You must really think drugs make me stupid or something," he said; frowning slightly. "Don't insult my intelligence by lying to me."

"What did you want to tell me?" I quickly changed the subject, not wanting to dwell on my one moment of weakness any longer.

It didn't matter why I cried. To be more precise, it would not matter once I'd destroyed every shred of life within me; including the weaknesses I hated most about myself.

He stared fixedly at my face for a whole second before shrugging his shoulders and nonchalantly said, "Meet me after school."

I didn't get a chance to say a simple 'Okay' or 'Where?' because he'd already turned around and left. I could hear his slow and steady footsteps through the open door, growing fainter and fainter.

I finally pushed myself onto my feet after sitting there for another minute and headed towards the exit. I let the door shut quietly behind me. It's hard to think that I was just making my way up the same stairs an hour ago, and now... there I was _again_, walking to God knows where and awaiting for God knows what.

My life had seemed so simple before this moment.

_Before everything started..._

As I walked down the hall, I noticed weird stares I was receiving from the few students that were standing around the hall.

"I can't believe she's one of the special ed kids," one girl whispered to her friend.

The other girl laughed and said, "They're all _freaks_."

"Well, _duh_, that class is like a circus of freaks!" the first girl said again. "Half of them have some sort of mental problems or whatever. They're all like slow and retarded."

The two girls stopped talking when I sent them a glare.

I clenched my fists together as they walked away, laughing to themselves, thinking that they were so clever and everything. They disgusted me. All of them.

I wasn't aware of how hard I was clenching my fists until I felt a slight twinge of pain as my fingernails dug deep into my skin. I quickly unclenched my hands and took a step forward, continuing to walk forward like nothing had happened. Far away, I could see Raven's eyes focusing on me from where she was standing with her group of _friends_. Our eyes met for a brief second before I fixed my attention upon Abyss, who was sitting in a little corner by herself, gazing up at people's feet, not literally of course.

And standing at his locker was Pi, surrounded by a group of bullies as he quietly handed his homework over to them. I couldn't find Heroin anywhere.

I slowly rounded around the corner and entered room 409B, which was perhaps the only _real_ thing about this false world.

"Sa-ku-ra!" A girl waved at me with a smile on her face. "Good mor-ning!"

I simply nodded at her before taking my seat.

When I was told that I was going to be put into a special ed class, I highly frowned upon the idea, not liking it one bit. Touya thought that the city air was becoming too much for me and that the suburban life was probably better for my "condition", or what he and Kaho-san liked to call it. A condition. They pretended that _it_ was nothing, and that it could be saved; that _I_ could be saved.

At first, I wanted nothing to do with _these_ kids. I felt like I didn't belong.

I'd been with them for at least three years now. Three short, simple years. And during those three years, I grew to admire them greatly.

In them, I saw the innocence that had vanished when mankind first roamed this world. Their insouciance was enviable. They lived lives that many thought of living. Lives that didn't involve worries or concerns because they were shielded from the _true_ reality. They weren't aware of what was lying on the other side of the green meadow. No... They weren't taught such things, or told of them. They were blinded from what people really thought of them and said about them.

_The things people say... they never say to your face._

_Perhaps that's why it hurt so much._

Whenever I looked upon their smiling faces, I hoped... with all my heart... that they would never lose their sense of innocence, or have to face the harsh reality of life.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

The message read: _Meet me behind the school._

"Sakura?"

I quickly tucked my phone back into my pocket and looked up.

"Are you going home?" Kaho-san asked. I nodded. "I'm going to see your brother for our monthly meeting. I'll give you a ride home."

"Actually, Kaho-san," I quickly said, "I was going to meet up with my friend after calling Onii-chan to let him know I will be home later than usual."

"Oh?" I could tell that she was delighted to hear what I'd just said. To her, it was a sign that I was moving on. But little did she know it was far from that. "I don't want you to be late. Go ahead. I will tell your brother for you."

I thanked her and began to walk in the opposite direction. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone again, it was another message from Heroin.

This time, it said in capitalized letters: _NOW._

I sighed silently to myself. He was definitely not a patient guy, was he? I wondered if he realized that I was in a special education class, and there was only _one_ special ed class in the entire school. Not to mention that it was located all the way on the top floor. It was going to take me a while to get from where I was to where he was. If he had made our meeting place at the front gate, I wouldn't have had to walk around the building to get to the back gate, though I understood why he wanted to meet behind the school instead.

There were people leaving at the front gate; upperclassmen to be more exact, the most feared predators of the food chain. It would've caused a scene if a junkie and a freak were to be seen together.

I made sure to turn around and check behind me every now and then to make sure that no one saw me.

Heroin was leaning against a fairly clean looking black car when I got to the back gate. To be honest, I didn't expect him to have such a nice car. I was expecting something _rough_ looking.

"About time," he growled, with a cigarette between his lips.

"Is this your car?" I asked out of curiosity.

He snorted and threw the cigarette away. "I didn't steal it, if that's what you're meaning to ask."

I didn't want him to take it the wrong way. "It's a nice car," I simply said. And how he even afforded such a nice car still baffled me. But perhaps, I was just treating him the same way that everyone else did; making judgments about him when I didn't even know him. The thought disgusted me.

"Get in."

He got into the car, and I soon followed quietly.

We didn't say anything once he put the car into motion. The only sound being transmitted was the loud metal rock music that was booming from the stereo. I shifted slightly in my seat so that I was resting my head against the window; quietly glimpsing at the other boy, suddenly becoming amused by what I saw. He was slowly rocking his head and lip-synching to the song on the radio. I could see his lips moving along to the verse, '_I hate my life_', over and over again, his fingers tapping rhythmically on the steering wheel, and his head bopping faster as the song picked up its pace.

He seemed so... _relaxed_. It was as though _this_ was a way for him to find _temporary_ relief; if you could hardly call it _that_.

"Why did you choose Flame?" he asked all of a sudden.

"W-What?"

"I've always wondered why you chose that name—" he turned to look at me for a brief second, "—could it be fear?"

Fear?

In a way, I suppose it did represent my fear.

"That and much more," I said. "Heroin, do you ever feel scared? Scared of dying... pain... the consequences...?"

"It's the only humane thing," he simply answered. "By the time that Death comes for you, you won't be scared because you will have died once already."

Perhaps... he was right.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

Raven called and said that she was going to be a little late. Heroin and I just waited in the car in silence for the others to arrive. Well, more like we had nothing to say to each other.

It felt like an eternity.

"Y-You..." Heroin was the first to speak. "...Do you want to get out of the car?"

Looking out the window, I pointed to the cliff beside the cabin. "Do you want to go sit over there?" I asked.

He shrugged, and I took that as a 'Yes'.

It felt weird being on the edge of the cliff; but at the same time, it felt so nice. I liked the feeling, being able to sit up high and look down at the things below from a different view. It felt like having wings.

I closed my eyes and imagined what it would feel like to fall through the air, to have the wind blowing in my face, my arms spread out as though wings were carrying me through space. I imagined...

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Heroin's voice snapped me out of my daydream.

I smiled knowingly.

"How high do you think this cliff is?" He sat down on the grass, legs hanging over space.

I took the spot beside him. "High enough," I answered.

_The easiest escape..._

"Heroin! Flame!"

We turned around and saw Raven coming out of her black convertible. She was carrying some sort of bags with her, two in each hand. We pushed ourselves up from the grass and walked towards her.

"What are the bags for?" I asked.

"Food," Raven replied with a smile. "If this is going to be our meeting place from now on, we will need to stock up."

"Oh."

"I could only get a few items," she explained. "I'll buy more next time."

_A few_, she said.

"How long have you two been here?"

"Not long," I answered. "Heroin and I found what all of us have been looking for."

"What?"

"Let's wait until Pi and Abyss get here."

"Okay," she said. "We should wait inside. It's kind of cold out here. Flame, aren't you cold wearing that short sleeved shirt?"

The two looked at me.

"No," I replied.

How could I feel cold when there was no warmth within me in the first place?

"Let's go inside before you get sick," insisted the other girl. "Heroin, how could you let her stay outside in this weather?"

"Raven, it's nothing..." I said, "I'm fine."

"It's a good thing I bought some things to make hot tea."

I sighed silently, gazing at her back as she walked away. A small part of me smiled at her worrying over me. For a minute, it didn't feel as though we were strangers to each other; it felt like we'd been friends for a long time, and we were just hanging out like any normal group of friends.

I started to follow her inside when I noticed that Heroin was still standing there.

"Are you coming?"

He looked like he was thinking about something. His head jolted lightly, and he turned to look at me. "Did you say something?"

"We're going inside."

"Oh."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

When Pi and Abyss arrived, Heroin and I showed everyone our discovery: the cliff.

"What do you think?" I asked.

Pi removed his glasses and wiped the lens with a cleaning cloth, putting it back on again as he adjusted it to have a clearer view. He was constantly moving his fingers while he observed the cliff, like he was calculating something in his head. Everyone looked at him attentively, and, after another minute or so, he looked at us with a small smile on his face, nodding his head to indicate his approval.

"Everyone agrees then," I said.

Heroin asked the most important question of all, "When?"

"How about the last day of the year?" Pi suggested. "It marks the end of the year..."

"...and the end to everything," added Abyss.

Heroin pulled a cigarette out from his pocket. "It's only three months away."

Three months till we left everything behind…

"Let's make a compact," said Raven. "No matter what happens in the next three months, no matter how much you want to let go, you need to hold on to when that day comes. No one should have to do it alone, because none of us are alone anymore. We came together as one, so we should break free as one."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"I'm home." I saw a pair of black heels on the floor when I came into the house. I closed the door behind me and walked into the living room.

"Welcome home, Sakura." Kaho-san greeted me, setting the drink she was holding onto the table. "Did you have fun with your friend?"

My brother signaled to the armchair across from him. "Sit."

I always dreaded the monthly meetings. For the past 10 years, the three of us would sit down once or twice a month and Kaho-san would ask me questions that she would later "analyze" and report to my brother about my _condition._

Touya had always felt as though he failed me as an older brother.

But in reality, it wasn't him who had failed; it was _me_. I was lucky to have him as my older brother, but he wasn't so lucky to have me for a sister. I wanted him to be happy, but I could do nothing to bring that happiness to him. He'd told me once that all he wanted was to see me happy, and I told him that it was impossible. I was incapable of doing anything for him other than always troubling him and reminding him of the most painful things in his life. If it wasn't for me, if I was never in his life, then perhaps he would be so much happier today.

"You should invite your friend over for dinner sometimes," he said, with a light smile on his face, a genuine one. I don't remember the last time I'd seen him smile like that; it was too long ago. "Is this friend in your class?"

"My special ed class? No."

"Sakura..." the look on my brother's face was unbearable. The way he looked at me softly with concern in his voice, it reminded me of how much I have wronged him, how much I'd taken away from him.

"You and Kaho-san probably have some things to talk about. I'll go to my room," I said, getting up from my seat and bowing to them before running up to my room.

I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

I leaned against the door and clutched a hand over my chest.

My phone started to ring. It rang five times before I pulled it out of my pocket. "Hello?" I answered without looking at the caller ID.

"Are you okay? Did something happen? You don't sound so good."

Heroin...

It was strange how he always caught me during my weakest hour.

"Yes and no," I said.

He snorted. "You suck at lying, Flame."

"Did you want something?"

"Just wanted to call and check to see if you're okay. Did your brother say anything about you coming home late?"

"No."

"Oh, okay. Are you sure you're fine?"

I once again assured that that nothing was wrong.

"Well, bye," he said on the other line.

"...bye..."

There had been many moments in my life in which I'd felt like giving up. That was one of them, but I knew that I couldn't give up no matter what. I knew that I had to hang on, that I had to wait for _that_ day to come, because my goal was waiting for me up ahead, not too far away.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

The weekend went by fast and school started on Monday again.

The others and I would steal glances at each other in the hall when we saw each other, but other than that, we showed no signs of knowing each other. The day was like any other day of our lives, like nothing had changed; or rather, the changes were only seen by us and no one else.

Even though we had gone back to the way things were before, no one had forgotten why we gathered the other day.

It wasn't to kill ourselves, but rather it was to _save_ ourselves. There's a big difference between the two.

A small voice had said to us, '_Let's end this_...'

It might have been me who said it out loud, but the voice had been inside our head all along. We had just pushed that voice aside into a small corner.

The five of us all had one single thought in mind: _until that day comes, let's keep going_.

* * *

«—to be continued—»

.x.

Word Count: 4,013


	3. shattered

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「S ◦ H ◦ A ◦ T ◦ T ◦ E ◦ R ◦ E ◦ D」

It was a Sunday afternoon, and we were having a meeting at the deserted cabin. The cabin became a sanctuary to us, a place to keep us safe from the rest of world.

Three weeks had passed since our first encounter there. We would find each other at the cabin whenever we felt like escaping from the outside world. It was the only place we could come together as one, or look at each other in the face. At school, we would pretend not to know each other so none of us dared to look at each other directly. We would, however, steal glances when no one was watching us.

Why?

Because we were afraid of being caught like a trapped deer under headlights.

"My mom passed away when I was five. It was just my dad and me in that small, raggedy apartment. I guess I started to hate life the minute that my mom was gone. I wouldn't necessarily say that my mom was a good mother. At some point, I started to dislike her, but I could never hate her. Despite the things that she did—or rather, _didn't_ do, she was the closest thing to me."

"And your father—you hate him, don't you?" asked Raven.

Abyss slowly ran a hand through her hair. "If I could slit his throat with my own hands, I probably would," she answered. "But more than him, what I actually hate is life itself. I see other girls in my classes with nothing but smiles on their faces when their parents come to pick them up from school, and I can't help but ask, why can't that be me?"

I quietly played her words in my mind again.

I began to question whether I should be sitting there or not.

Unlike these people, I didn't hate "life". What I hated was myself and I. What I wanted to destroy was my own existence. I began to see how pathetic I really was.

"Pi, I've been wondering," said Heroin, "just how old are you?"

"Hey! I've been thinking that, too!" Raven exclaimed. The conversation had suddenly played a different tune.

"Does it matter?" the younger boy retorted.

Abyss poked him playfully. "Hey, now, I just turned sixteen so you can't be any younger than fifteen."

"I'm not telling!" Pi sulked.

The others laughed. "That means he is," I said.

Heroin snorted. "Don't tell me you're thirteen or fourteen."

"Turning fifteen actually."

We were all speechless. "I was just guessing," said Heroin.

Abyss sighed. "If only I'm half as smart."

"Maybe I should start asking Pi to tutor me in math," I said.

Raven giggled and nodded her head like she was agreeing with me. "That's right. Flame is good at math as a fish is good at walking. We were on the phone one time and it took her thirty minutes to do one math problem."

"I can't help it if they know me, but I don't know them."

"Wait. If you're barely fifteen—" Abyss said, "—then how did you get your license, Pi?"

Pi took his glasses off and started cleaning the lenses, a habit he was used to doing whenever he was feeling nervous or embarrassed. "I didn't. At first glance, people think I'm eighteen. My parents gave me a car because they didn't want to bother with me."

"You're telling me that you've been driving me around without a license?"

"Pretty much."

"Who wants to be my new ride?"

Pi rolled his eyes. "Ungrateful."

We all laughed.

The conversation eventually led to a debate between Heroin, Pi and Raven on who was the better driver. I smiled faintly as I listened to them.

Not only was this a place for us to find shelter, it was also a place where we could be _normal_. Where we didn't have to live by our labels or whatsoever. The atmosphere was warm and cozy, and we were always having fun and laughing, making small memories in our insignificant lives.

Little did we know that our lives were slowly changing because of these small memories, which seemed to have meant so little…

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"...I'm home," I said.

While I was hanging up my coat, I noticed a pair of men's shoes on the floor. I wondered who was over this hour of the night. Touya had never brought any of his colleagues or friends over. I didn't think he even had time for friends because he was always looking after me.

I suppose I should be happy for him if he had a friend or two.

Then, as I started heading upstairs, I heard a strange sound coming from the living room. A sound that hadn't been heard in this household for a very, very long time: laughter.

"Sakura, is that you?" Touya called out.

"Yes," I answered.

The sound of laughter ceased, and I heard footsteps coming towards me. When I saw my brother coming through the doorway, I didn't recognize him at first. The happy expression on his face, his gentle eyes and smile, he was not the older brother that I knew. He was a different person.

"Do you want me to warm dinner up for you?" he asked.

I tried to shake myself out of it. "N-No, it's fine. I'm not hungry."

"Did you eat anything at your friend's place?"

"Yes." I looked around slightly before asking, "Do we have a guest over?"

"Oh, I bumped into an old friend just recently," he said. "You remember Yukito, don't you?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"He will be very excited if you come to say hi to him."

He was happy. I could tell from the tone of his voice and the expression on his face. He was really happy. I should have been glad that he was happy, but why...

"I-I'm kind of tired," I lied. "Maybe next time."

"Okay."

_...why did I feel otherwise?_

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

_I would never forget the look on my brother's face when he was called to the hospital on that faithful day. He stood in the doorway with this inexplicable expression on his face, frozen like a statue as he gazed at me. I stared back at him impassively as if asking him what he was going to do next._

_I wanted him to yell at me and tell me how much he hated me and how I shouldn't have lived._

_I wanted him to tell me all these things... but he didn't._

_Touya slowly came towards me and gently wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug as he cried against me. "Thank God you're okay," he said into my ears. "Let's go home, okay?"_

"_Home...?" I asked._

_Where was this 'home'? Home, in my mind, was gone forever. It was never going to come back again._

"_Yes, home. We still have a home as long as we're still a family."_

"_I don't want to go home!" I cried and pushed him away. If he had meant _that _'home' then I didn't want it._

"_Kaijuu!"_

_...and that was the last time he'd called me by that nickname, because his little sister didn't exist anymore. She was gone..._

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"Flame?" the other line picked up.

"I'm sorry," I said, hesitating; asking myself what the hell I was doing. "A-Are you busy?"

"No," Heroin answered. "I was just coming out of the shower."

"O-Oh..."

"So, why you called?"

Why _did_ I call him?

I didn't know the answer to the question myself. I didn't know why I'd called him. I'd just instinctively dialed his number. Didn't it make much more sense for me to call Raven or Abyss instead? But the first person that popped into my head was him.

"Flame, what happened?" There was concern in his voice.

I smiled faintly and said, "Nothing. Nothing happened. I just feel like talking to someone for a while."

"Is something bothering you?" he asked. "You were quiet at the meeting."

"Heroin, am I a bad person?"

"What?"

"What is wrong with me?"

"..._nothing_..." he answered quietly," ...nothing is wrong with you, Sakura."

Hearing my name escape from his lips sent a chill through me. It was a strange feeling, and quite difficult to explain. I just didn't understand it at all... the unfamiliar warmth that was surrounding me.

Heroin quietly listened to me on the phone until I grew tired and fell asleep. Even so, he didn't hang up. He waited on the other line, promising to be there if and when I needed him.

That night I dreamed of the past.

"_Kaho-san, what is wrong with me?" I had asked during one of our sessions._

"_Nothing," she answered. "Nothing is wrong with you, Sakura."_

"_Then why… why am I here?"_

"_You are here because you need guidance, not because there is something wrong with you." Kaho-san smiled and gently patted me on the head. "Everyone needs guidance when they are lost. There is nothing shameful about needing help once in a while. That's why I'm here, Sakura. I'm here to help you."_

"_No..." I said. "I meant to ask why I am still alive."_

_The red head froze as the black pen in her hand dropped and rolled onto the floor. "Sakura, is that what you think? That you should have died in the fire?"_

"_I killed them. I killed my parents."_

"_Sakura, listen to me!" Kaho-san shook my shoulders roughly. "You didn't kill them. Your parents died in an accidental fire. You had nothing to do with it."_

"_Yes, I did! I wished that they would die! I wished that they would...disappear."_

When I woke up the next morning, Heroin was on the other line to say good morning. After that, we both had to get ready for school so we hung up. I didn't get a chance to say thank you.

My mind was still cloudy over last night's events.

"Sakura, are you up?" Touya knocked on the door.

"Yes," I answered.

"Okay, breakfast is ready."

I gazed at door that stood between him and me. A thin wall separated us, but we seemed so far away from each other, like we were both in two different worlds. I suppose we _were_ in two different worlds.

He, where reality was. And I, in a world where everything was nothing.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I was on my way to the main office, because Kaho-san had asked to come see her early Monday morning. I wondered what she wanted to see me about. We just had our monthly meeting last week.

All the thoughts were quickly pushed to the side when I saw Heroin sitting outside the principal's office, bruises on his face. I wanted to walk over to him and ask if he was okay, but I couldn't. It wasn't possible as long as we were pretending not to know each other in front of everyone else.

I wondered who he got into a fight with, and this early in the morning. The first class had hardly started.

"Ah, Sakura, you're here," Kaho-san said. "Come on in."

I greeted her good morning and walked into her office. Kaho-san turned towards Heroin, shook her head, and smiled. "Don't give him too much trouble, Syaoran. It's his first day here, and he's too young to die of a heart attack."

Heroin merely grunted at the woman.

Once she closed the door and went to her seat, I turned to ask her, "You know him, Kaho-san? The boy we saw getting into a fight that other time."

"His name is Li Syaoran," Kaho-san answered. "His record is as high as Mt. Everest, but three-fourths of the things people accuse him of aren't even his doings."

"They just think that he's a good scapegoat?"

Kaho-san seemed surprised by the rancor behind my words. "We have a new principal as of today," she quickly changed the topic. "You know him as well, Sakura. Tsukishiro Yukito has just transferred over to our district."

"Did Touya have anything to do with this?"

"Touya was just as surprised when I told him, dear."

"...I see."

"Sakura, has something been bothering you lately?" she asked all of a sudden.

"No," I said. "Why do you ask?"

"You seem to have reverted back to, well, the old you…" she said, her voice trailing off.

I didn't know what she had meant by that. When I left her office, Heroin was gone already.

That morning made me realize something: we knew nothing of Heroin. All we knew about him was that the only reason he'd joined in the hotline in the first place was because his probation officer had made him. We also knew that he was an avid drug user, but that wasn't a secret; almost everybody knew.

He was still a complete mystery.

Or he just didn't trust us.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

It was lunchtime and I was walking to the bathroom when I heard someone said around the corner, "Tomoyo, where have you been lately?"

I stopped to quietly watch the scene before me.

Raven and her group of friends were standing in front of the girl's restroom. The expression on Raven's face was heartbreaking. Her "friends" couldn't see that they were only hurting her. Did they want to drive her into a corner—was that what they wanted?

"We hardly see you anymore," a girl said. I recognized her as the one who had pushed Abyss down because her shirt has been ruined. "And we can never reach you on your phone either."

"I've been busy," Raven answered.

At that minute, Abyss was exiting the restroom when she suddenly bumped into the other upperclassman girl who had stepped on her hand, not thinking that anyone would be standing in front of the restroom door.

"You again!" the girl screamed, pushing Abyss violently against the wall. "Don't you have eyes?"

I bit my bottom lip when I saw that the other girl was preparing to hit Abyss. I took a step forward but stopped myself when I saw Raven taking a stand.

"Stop it, Namiko," she said, standing between Abyss and the other girl. Raven turned to Abyss and gently asked, "Are you okay?"

Abyss nodded. "Y-Yeah..."

Raven ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "Your elbow is scraped. I'll walk you to the nurse."

"T-Tomoyo!"

By now, a lot of people had stop to gather around in the hallway to see what was going on.

"Just stop it, Namiko!" It seemed like Raven had finally lost it as amethyst eyes blazed with fury. "Are you so pathetic and weak that you have to pick on someone else to make yourself feel better?"

All eyes widened in shock as the popular Daidouji Tomoyo walked alongside a 'nobody'. I saw Heroin standing in a corner not too far away. Apparently he had seen everything, too. He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and walked away.

I was still too surprised to move. Raven openly defended Abyss.

What was going to happen to them after this?

By the time lunch was over, everyone was already talking about what had happened outside the restroom. I even heard some of the teachers talking about it when I passed by the teacher's lounge. One after another, rumors spread like the plague.

The day went by slowly. I wondered what was happening outside classroom 409B. What was being said by those people? What was happening to Abyss and Raven?

I kept asking myself all these questions, finding myself anticipating for the last bell to come faster. There was this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something bad was going to happen. I just knew something was going to happen.

"Terada-san, I have to go to the bathroom!" I exclaimed, quickly jumping out of my seat and running out of the room before he could say anything. I knew that he wouldn't get me into trouble. I just had to go because I was feeling uneasy about the situation.

Something didn't feel right.

I just wanted to want to make sure everything was okay to ease my troubled mind. I just needed to go to the bathroom and send them a quick text. While I walking, I saw two upperclassman girls coming down the hall.

"I feel sorry for that freshman girl," one girl said.

"I think Namiko is taking it too far dragging the freshman up to the roof," the other girl replied. "If she gets caught, she's going to be in big trouble. I heard the new principal is very strict."

_Abyss..._

I started running towards the stairwell before I knew what was happening. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket to send a text to the others.

The message read: _Come to the roof. Abyss is in trouble._

It felt like my blood was rushing to my head, making me dizzy at the moment. I told myself to pick up the pace; that Abyss was relying on me to save her. I told myself that I had to save her... that I _had_ to… that I couldn't let her down.

"_Sakura...Sakura...Sakura!" I heard them calling out my name, but I couldn't move._

_I merely stood there._

"_Sakura..." My father reached out his hand._

_"NO!" I cried, taking a step away from them._

_I didn't save them._

"STOP IT!" I shouted as I threw the door open.

"Who the hell are you?"

_Abyss..._ She was lying on the ground. I ran over to the girl and knelt down alongside her, smiling determinedly at the motionless, unresponsive body lying there before my eyes. I took the girl's hand with a limp, clammy grip.

"Hang in there," I said to her. "The others are coming."

Eyelids fluttered but did not open, and her fingers twitched once in my hand but failed to clasp it in return. "F-Flame..." I sighed in relief. She was okay. "...t-thank you..."

She became unconscious again.

I glared at the girls standing in front of me. "You won't get away with this!"

"And what are you going to do about it?" Namiko laughed. "Isn't this amusing? A freak suddenly defending the nobody. Hah! It's already a laughingstock that Tomoyo defended the rat."

The brunette grabbed me by the arm and started to pull me up. "Let me go!" I pushed her away, and she fell to the ground.

"You little bitch!" She grabbed a bat from one of the girls. I was too busy worrying about Abyss and making sure that she was alright, I hadn't paid any attention to the other girls.

It was over. There was no way I could escape from them.

I took a step back as Namiko advanced towards me, a cynical smile on her face. "I'll give you the special treatment we gave your friend."

"You are crazy!"

I stopped and looked behind me when my back suddenly hit the rail. There was no turning back, so I did the only thing I thought was logical at that moment. I tried to pry the bat out of Namiko's hand, hoping to hold it off for as long as possible until somebody could come to the rescue.

"Don't stand there! Get her off!" She called out to the other girls, who came over to lend her a hand.

The girls threw me against the rails.

"You stupid bitch!" I felt a piercing pain on the side as the bat came in contact with my body. "Throw her off the rails."

"Namiko, that's going too far!"

"I don't mean to throw her off and let her die. I just want to teach her a lesson. I'm not telling you to let her go."

I tried to fight back as they shoved me over the rail, but it was no use. There were just too many of them, and there was only one of me. Compared to them, I was weak.

I looked up helplessly as I hung over the edge, being held up by them. If they let go, I would be sent flying to my grave.

Wasn't Death what I wanted?

Wasn't that what I had wished for?

Wasn't that I was looking for?

So, why did it matter...?

From the corner of my eyes, I saw the others in the doorway, along with Kaho-san and a man I didn't recognize at first. The girls that were holding me gasped in surprise; in the process, dropping my hands by accident. They tried to grabbed hold of my hands again, but they weren't quick enough. But luckily, I grabbed the rail in the nick of time, just barely enough to save my life.

Pain surged through my mind as I gazed at the worried looks of those people I knew.

My head felt heavy, and everything around me seemed to be spinning round and round and round. I felt dizzy. My grip loosened and I felt myself being pulled down by gravity.

_…Why did I not want to die_?

A part of me wanted to let go, because then that would mean the end of everything. My goal would be accomplished. But another part of me wanted to hang on, a tiny part inside of me I didn't even know existed until then.

An image of my brother suddenly appeared in my mind. He had tears in his eyes as he stood in the doorway of that hospital room.

I closed my eyes to brush away the tears.

I wanted to call out to him.

I wanted to reach out to him.

I wanted to say: please save me.

* * *

«—to be continued—»

.x.

Word Count: 3,636


	4. deception

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「D ◦ E ◦ C ◦ E ◦ P ◦ T ◦ I ◦ O ◦ N」

I was being pulled down to earth by a soft and gentle gravity. I didn't know where it was taking me, and I didn't know what to expect either. But just when I thought it was all over, a pair of gentle hands quickly pulled me back.

"It's okay." A warm smile welcomed me back from Death's door. "I've got you, Sakura-chan."

"...Yukito-san..."

His smile widened. "Hold on tight, okay?"

Heroin appeared beside Yukito-san. He held out his hand and said, "Give me your other hand."

I nodded.

Inch by inch, I was being lifted upward until I was standing on firm ground again. Even then, my legs felt wobbly and my head was still spinning about. The last thing I saw before darkness overcame me was Heroin reaching out to grab me as I fell.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

When I opened my eyes, I found myself in the infirmary. Sleeping in the bed beside mine was Abyss, her wounds cleaned and properly treated. I was glad that she was okay.

The door opened and Kaho-san walked in.

"Is she going to be okay?" I asked.

She nodded and asked, "How do you two know each other? And since when did you become friends with Daidouji Tomoyo? Syaoran and Eriol, too."

"You mean, how did we—the freak, nobody, junkie, geek, and most popular girl in school—ever meet each other? It's a phenomenon, isn't it?"

She walked over to an empty bed and sat herself down. She crossed her arms together with a small frown on her face. "Sakura, you know I don't mean it in that way."

"I know you don't, Kaho-san," I said. "But others will."

"You've been keeping it a secret," she stated ever-so-calmly, "from me _and_ from your brother."

I averted my eyes to the floor.

The older woman took that as a sign that I had no intention of responding and continued, "Why, Sakura?"

Why?

Because I knew they wouldn't have understood.

"Did you think your brother and I were going to make you cut ties with them? Sakura—" her voice softened a bit, "—your brother and I could give a rat's ass about society and its so-called ladder. We want to support you. But we can't do that unless we know what you are going through. Trust your brother and me to support you, Sakura."

Trust...?

It wasn't a matter of trust or support; it was a matter of strong over weak. Although she said they were going to support me, but to what extent and how long would they hold on to that promise? Sooner or later, they would have to succumb to society's rules, just like everyone else.

_It didn't matter how much we put up a fight; in the end, there was only _one _escape._

If that was going to be the case then why should I lend my trust and have it thrown back at me in the end? Wasn't it better to save myself now from that feeling of disappointment and betrayal if all should come crashing down anyway?

Our conversation was interrupted when a light knock came at the door.

"I heard talking, so I thought I would check on Sakura-chan." Yukito-san poked his head into the room, a smile plastered on his face. He hadn't changed at all. He still had that same smile from many years ago, a smile that could warm up anyone's heart when they see it.

It used to warm mine...once upon a time.

"How did it go with those girls?" Kaho-san asked.

Yukito-san smiled as he said, "Rules are rules. They will be expelled, and, unless they move to another place, they will not be permitted to attend any of the schools in this district."

"That's very bold." Kaho-san grinned. She teased the man, "Their parents will try to contact you with a very fat check. You've hit a jackpot, Yukito."

"Kaho, you should know me better than that." Yukito-san played along. "You know I am immune to money. If they want to bribe me, it will have to be an all-you-can-eat buffet."

Kaho-san snickered.

Yukito-san smiled at me before his eyes wandered over to Abyss, and the smile quickly disappeared. "Have you told her yet?" he turned to ask Kaho-san, who shook her head.

"You interrupted," she said, still teasing him I supposed.

"Oh, right. Sorry." He turned to leave.

"You can stay," said Kaho-san.

"I think it'll be better if you two are alone," he responded. "I haven't called Touya yet, so I'll go and do that."

_My brother..._

Kaho-san glanced at Abyss briefly before saying, "Let's go to my office."

When we were alone in her office, Kaho-san directed me to sit down. I could tell that whatever she wanted to talk to me about was serious business because she had her pen and notepad out.

"Sakura, when I asked you earlier how you and the others met," she continued slowly, "I also wanted to know how well you know them—how well you know Li Meiling to be more specific."

"Why do you ask?"

"When the nurse was cleaning her wounds, she found some disturbing discoveries."

I felt a knot in my stomach. "W-What do you mean?"

"Bruises on her body—" Kaho-san paused slightly, the grip on her pen tightening all of a sudden. "—there were hand prints and rope marks all over her body, old and new. Do you know if she's going through some sort of trouble...?"

I didn't say anything. I couldn't.

I knew Kaho-san was only trying to help Abyss. I didn't have the right to disclose her deepest and darkest secret like that.

"Sakura, you don't have to answer me." Kaho-san saw through me. "It's okay. To be honest with you, I wanted to ask you if it would be alright with you if Meiling stays with you and your brother for a while."

"...what?"

"We all agreed that with her condition being like this—" she continued, "—and because we don't know what kind of situation she is in, it will be better if she doesn't go home at this very moment."

"I don't mind," I said. "But her dad will probably—"

I quickly shut up when I realized what I'd just said and what effect it had.

Kaho-san smiled. "I will make sure that nothing unnecessary will be said to him. Don't worry about anything, Sakura. You can look at this like having a friend over for a sleepover."

I soon realized that Kaho-san had two intentions in mind: (1) to help Abyss, and (2) to help _me_. I eventually sighed and nodded my head. She would never give up, would she?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"You can have the room across from Sakura's," Touya said when we got home.

He had taken the rest of the day off from work after Yukito-san called him, to pick Abyss and me up from school. Yukito-san told Abyss not to worry about the rest of her classes.

The younger girl nodded shyly as she moved closer to me.

"I think Meiling is still tired," I said. "I'll show her to her room."

"Okay."

I told Abyss to follow me and led the way. I showed her to her room and told her to rest. "Don't worry about anything," I said to her.

"Flame..." She called out to me when I was leaving the room.

"Don't worry," I said, quietly. "I didn't tell anybody."

I could hear a sigh of relief coming from her. I gave her a small smile, "Just have a nice rest, okay?"

"C-Can you stay with me for a while?" she asked. "Just until I fall asleep...?"

I nodded.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and silently watched over her, waiting for her to fall asleep. I could tell that she felt weird being in a strange place and lying in an unfamiliar bed. I also knew that a lot of things were going on in her mind; a lot of unhappy things.

"It's okay," I finally said. "When you wake up, you will be able to find me across the hall. You won't see _him_—at least for a little while."

The girl opened her eyes and looked at me with helplessness. "I'm so pathetic, aren't I?"

"No, you're not."

"I have problems falling asleep and being near men," she said, quietly. "When your brother carried me to the car, I was really scared. I wanted to cry, but I held it in."

I stayed quiet and didn't say anything. Or rather, I didn't know what to say. I knew that she didn't want pity or sympathy from me, so I silently sat there and did the only thing I could do for her: _listen_.

We didn't talk about anything afterwards. I left the room after she'd fallen asleep, and went into my own room. I threw myself onto my bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering to myself what would happen from this point on.

"Is she asleep?" Touya stood in the doorway.

"Yeah," I replied up and looked at him. "Sorry for bothering you today. But you didn't have to take a day off work."

"I need a little time off every now and then," he said, smiling a little. "Are you sure you're not hurt anywhere?"

I nodded my head. "Don't worry about me."

_Please_.

"Oh, okay then..." he said, sadness in his eyes. He was about to walk away when he suddenly stopped and turned around to say, "This is the third time I've received a phone call like this one. I was scared—scared of something happening to you. I was scared of losing you. I really hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I can't do anything to help you. I hate standing on the side and watch you deal with your problems alone. But I know there is nothing that I can do, and I hate that feeling. If I could, I would like to take your entire burden onto my own shoulders so that you won't feel any pain. _If only I could_..."

He rested his hand on the door knob and started to close the door. He paused.

"However... _I will wait_," he said with a soft, gentle look in his eyes. "I will wait for that day when my little sister comes back to me with that radiant look in her eyes and her loving smiles—because I believe in her. I have faith that she will find the way back on her own."

_Onii-chan..._

"So hurry up and come back to me... Okay, _kaijuu_?" And he closed the door.

I could hear his footsteps, slowly, fading into the distant.

"_Onii-chaaaan, look at the stuffed animals!" I shouted enthusiastically; pointing to a toy shop. "KAWAII!"_

_Touya chuckled and ruffled my hair. "We'll come back later. You need to go to preschool and I have to go to school."_

"_But I want one now!"_

_Touya sighed exasperatedly. "Fine, fine."_

"_Yay!" I ran into the shop and eagerly looked at the stuffed animals on display._

"_Just pick one already." Touya growled, glancing at his watch in irritation. "I'm going to be late for school."_

"_This one!"_

_I left the shop with a happy smile on my face and Touya with a frown._

_"I'm late!" He picked me up and hurled me over his shoulders. He started running quickly. "This is your fault, kaijuu!"_

"_It's SA-KU-RA!"_

I glanced at the yellow, small yellow, bear-like stuffed animal that was sitting on the top of my desk. Its color had been worn out and its coat mixed with dusts, untouched for many years. Even objects went cold...

_Let alone a human being._

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"I want to go to school," Abyss said the next morning.

Touya snorted. "You—" he poured her a glass of milk, "—are staying at home."

"I'm feeling much better," the girl insisted.

"Feeling better and _being_ better are two different things." Of course, Touya was not one to give in either. "You are staying home and that's that."

I held back the urge to giggle when Abyss pouted childishly. She jabbed her spoon into the cereal bowl and ate grumpily, muttering to herself how annoying men were. Touya rolled his eyes, calling her an ingrate.

"Well, I'll be leaving now," I exclaimed and got up from my seat. "Don't kill each other while I'm gone."

"Do you want me to drive you?"

"I'll walk," I said.

"How can you let her walk? It's cold outside!" Abyss started getting on Touya's case. "What kind of man are you?"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

I sighed and walked out the room quietly, ignoring the two.

At first, I was against the idea of having Abyss home alone with Touya, who had decided to take another day off work to watch over the girl. I was worried that the girl's androphobia might make it unbearable for her to be around Touya, but it seemed like the two would do just fine keeping each other company.

It would be wonders if I didn't come home to find the two killing each other.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I was at the school's gate when I received a text message from Abyss. It read: _When did you leave?_

I replied: _You and Touya were too busy getting along with each other._

Her reply said: _I hate men._

"Flame!"

I turned around and saw Raven running towards my direction. I put my phone away and waved to the girl.

"How are you? How is Abyss? What happened afterward? Why didn't you go to the cabin yesterday?" The girl hardly had a second to breathe because she was firing questions nonstop. "Where is Abyss? Is she okay?"

"Okay, okay. Breathe."

She giggled. "Okay, I've calmed down."

"I am fine, and Abyss is fine," I started to answer her questions, one by one. "She'll be staying with me for a while. We couldn't go to the cabin because we were both relatively tired. Everything is okay. Yukito-san punished those girls, so now everything is history."

"I'm so sorry! If it wasn't for me—if I had stopped to think before I acted."

"It can't be helped," I said. "But your reputation..."

Raven shrugged. "It's okay. I didn't live for the spotlight so it doesn't matter, though my mother will certainly have a heart attack." We both laughed at the last part, but I knew that deep down inside, the other girl was worried about how her mother would react. "Pi asked me to tell you and Abyss to get well. He has to attend some kind of academic competition for the school, so he's not at school today. Can I drop by your place after school to visit Abyss?"

I nodded.

"Okay, I'll meet you after the last period then!" She smiled. "I have to go to a student council meeting now, so I'll catch up with you later."

I waved to her as she ran off.

As I walked towards the school, I noticed Heroin standing under a tree nearby. I remembered that I haven't thanked him yet. I waved to him. I was about to walk over to him when he suddenly turned around and walked a different direction. Didn't he see that I was coming over to talk to him?

He saw... didn't he?

I rubbed my temples in frustration, not understanding it one bit.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"Do you think Heroin was being weird today?" I asked.

Raven took her eyes off the road for a second to look at me. "Why do you say that?"

"Keep going straight for another block," I directed. Tomoyo had waited at the front gate when all the upperclassmen were dismissed; her reputation taking another nosedive. I said, "Because he hasn't said a word to me at all today."

The girl giggled. "Aw! You two are so cute together!"

"It's not like that," I said. "I think he's trying to avoid me or something."

"Are you annoyed?"

"A little... He seems a little stranger than usual." Not to mention yesterday he had a really weird expression on his face when he was saving me. I suppose I was more worried than annoyed.

"I don't think he's being weird," said Raven. "He was perfectly normal when I talked to him during lunch. You know, 'Heroin' normal—a grunt here and a scold there. If you're lucky, you might get a growl. He is like a pet dog."

"He'll definitely appreciate your compliment."

"I wouldn't worry about Heroin," she said. "He's can take care of himself. People like him like to deal with their own problems—you know? They don't want, nor do they need help from outsiders. You can tell that he values his pride a lot. Asking him to let you help him will only diminish that pride of his and offend him. So, don't worry."

"It's that white house there," I pointed out to her.

"Do you have a guest over?"

I, too, noticed the black car on the front lawn. It wasn't Kaho-san's car, nor could it Yukito-san because he was still at school. Raven pulled over on the sidewalk and turned off the engine.

We got out of the car and walked toward the house. When we got to the door, a crash was heard coming from the inside.

"Don't tell me they're really killing each other in there," I muttered to myself.

When I stepped into the house, I felt like there was something strange about the atmosphere of the place.

"I'm home!" I called out.

No answer.

I walked into the living room, only to be surprised to find the coffee table knocked over and a broken vase on the floor. I looked at my brother and then at the strange man standing on the other side of the room.

"Sakura, you and your friend go upstairs," commanded Touya. "_Now_."

"What happened?" I asked.

"Just go upstairs, Sakura."

I pulled onto Raven and headed upstairs, hesitantly. I took one last glimpse at the stranger in our house. Something about him scared me. Perhaps it was his cold, icy glare, or maybe it was the scar on his face.

"What do you think happened?" Raven asked.

I shrugged. "Abyss?" I knocked on her door.

I turned the door knob and walked inside. There was the black haired girl, crouched on the floor in a fetal position. "Abyss!" Raven ran over to her side. "What's wrong?"

The poor girl was shaking to death.

"What should we do, Flame?" Raven turned to ask me.

I didn't know what we should do. How was I supposed to know? My body froze at the sight of the younger girl. At that moment, my brother came into the room. He picked Abyss from the floor and set her on the bed.

"You there—" he looked at Raven, "—go get me a warm towel. Sakura, get out of here."

"B-But..." I protested, still looking at the girl's shaken form.

His voice deepened. "_Now_, Sakura."

I went into my room and sat down on the bed, feeling as though blood was rushing to my head.

"_Sakura, get out of here!" the brown haired woman said, her voice was raspy and breathless._

_I sat there on the floor, cold and stiff. The flames were surrounding us and the air was becoming harder to breathe. The woman was twitching and shaking violently on the floor; she looked like she was in a lot of pain. After a while, I wondered why she wasn't talking to me anymore. She'd stopped shaking, too. I thought she'd fell asleep._

_I crawled over to her side and shook her gently. "Wake up," I said. I looked at the flames around us. "...I'm scared. Please wake up."_

_But she didn't._

_The firefighters finally came. One of them removed his mask, tears in his eyes. "Nakuru..." He gathered the woman into his arms._

Touya's fiancé died that day, along with his unborn child.

"Flame?" Raven knocked on the door.

"Come in."

"Are you alright?"

I nodded. "How is she?"

"She's fine now. Your brother explained that it's just a panic, not a seizure or anything like that."

"That man..."

"Your brother said he left."

"Who was he?"

Raven looked at the floor sadly. "...her father."

That explained the panic attack.

"Flame," Raven started to say softly, "...what happened back there? You just blanked out all of a sudden."

"...I remembered something from the past," I replied.

"I was worried about you."

"I'm sorry."

"I'll come back tomorrow," said Raven. "Take care, okay?"

I walked her to the door and watched her leave. I waited for her car to drive off before going back into the house and locking the door. I walked into the living room, finding it just as I had last seen it: messy. I straightened up the coffee table and started to pick up broken pieces of the vase.

"Leave it," my brother said, coming down the stairs. "I'll clean it up later."

"H-How is she?" I asked.

"She's sleeping now."

"What happened? Why did her father come all of a sudden?"

Touya sighed. "The bastard came to 'bring' his daughter home. Meiling started to have a panic attack, and I told him it wasn't wise to take her home now. Things got a little rough."

"Will he come back?"

"Sakura, you know we can't keep Meiling with us for a long time." I was hoping we could. After seeing her like that, how could anyone let her go back to that man? "I managed to convince him to let her stay for a while though. We'll figure out a permanent solution for Meiling in the meantime."

"That's good," I said instead of telling him that we'd already found the solution.

"You look tired," he remarked. "Go upstairs and rest. I'll clean up and make dinner."

"Aren't you tired, Touya?"

"Me? Nah! Your brother is strong as an ox."

"You should take a break if you are tired."

He smiled slightly. "I know," he said. "I'm just afraid that I'll be so used to the leisure that I can't go back to being your beacon, your light in the dark."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

_'To leave a message, please stay on the line.'_

I closed the phone and threw it aside. I tried calling Heroin, but I kept reaching his voicemail.

Where was he?

Was he trying to avoid me?

"Where are you when I need you?" I whispered to no one in particular and closed my eyes.

That night, I could hear soft sobs coming from across the hall. Abyss wasn't the only one crying herself to sleep. When I closed my eyes, somewhere in the back of my mind, I could almost picture Touya lying in bed and holding a picture of Nakuru as he shed silent tears, asking himself how many years it had been.

Sleep didn't come for any of us that night.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

Days went by quickly.

Raven came to visit Abyss again when Pi was back in town, and they continued to come every day afterward. The only person that didn't show was Heroin.

Pi said he couldn't get in touch with the other boy either. I wondered if he was okay, and if he knew what kind of pain the rest of us were going through. Did he even care?

Abyss was getting better—much thanks to Touya for fighting with her every single day. Her father hadn't shown up ever since either; but Abyss knew that she couldn't escape him. She knew that there would be a time when she would have to go back to that man. She knew, therefore, she didn't dare to hope.

…to hope for a miracle to happen.

So, we all thought that it was best to just endure... endure everything and wait for the storm to be over.

But, life's not that simple.

Life is comprised of one storm after the next, one ends as another begins.

"Flame! Flame! Flame!" I was sitting in the living room with Touya and Abyss when Raven came running in screaming.

Touya rolled his eyes. "Tomoyo, you are getting too comfortable with this place," he said. "Don't you knock or ring the doorbell? And why are you screaming fire?"

"It's an inside joke," I quickly said.

Raven smiled cutely. "You should have locked the door then, Touya."

"Three girls and one guy here—I am out of here." Touya got up and left.

"Raven, you need to be more careful," I said. "Touya doesn't know about our little nicknames."

The girl made an 'O' shape with her mouth. "S-Sorry!"

"What are you so excited about?" Abyss asked.

Raven held up a magazine for us to see. "Look at who's on the cover!"

"...Heroin," the name slipped out before I even realized it.

* * *

«—To be continued—»

.x.

Word Count: 4,209


	5. destruction

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「D ◦ E ◦ S ◦ T ◦ R ◦ U ◦ C ◦ T ◦ I ◦ O ◦ N」

I couldn't take my eyes off the magazine.

'_Youth Today: Bad Influence, Poor Parenting, or Is It Society?_' was written at the top of the cover. In the middle of the page was a picture of Heroin in handcuffs, and next to his picture were the words '_Pity__ to the pretty face'._ I could see the sorrow and pain written in his eyes. Amber eyes had stared into the camera so emotionlessly, like he, himself, was there no more.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"Can you believe the things happening at our school?"

"I know, right? First, Namiko and the upperclassman girls were expelled, and now _this_."

I overheard a group of girls were talking to each other as I passed by.

"I wish the school would just kick _these_ kinds of people out—they're ruining the image of our school." I heard a guy said, staring right at me as I was walking.

"The thought of breathing the same air with them disgusts me," another said.

I wished these people would just shut up.

"I wouldn't be surprised if one of them comes to school with a weapon and starts to shoot everyone like a crazy lunatic."

I wished...I wished they would all disappear.

"Bite your tongues and shut up!" someone screamed out in a high voice. "Stop speaking nonsense!"

_...Raven._

"I'm glad to see that you're taking a stand," said Pi; rubbing his temples, "but did you have to scream while standing beside me?"

She huffed. "I never knew they were so..._irritating_!"

"That's because you had to pretend to stand them before," I said.

"Oh, yeah, that's right."

The three of us started walking together.

"I heard that he's coming back to school today," said Raven. I knew she was talking to me.

It was a week ago that we saw Heroin's arrest in a magazine article. He was found with cargoes of illegal drugs and was arrested on the spot for drug dealing. For the past week, news of him swarmed the media like crazy. I had asked myself many times: _what was he thinking...and why_?

"I think that it is best if we wait until this thing dies out before having contact with him," Pi said. "He is still under investigation even though there is insufficient amount of evidence against him."

"_What_?" I couldn't understand what I was hearing.

"He is accused of drug dealing, Sakura. He was caught with drugs—not just a _few_, but enough to turn him into a millionaire overnight. No kid in high school can get his hands on a shit load of drugs without having connections. Authority would want to watch all of his movements. If we are seen with him, it will do us no good." Although the things Raven was saying were things that I didn't want to hear particularly, I knew she was right. "Maybe I'm just selfish, but Pi and I don't want to draw unnecessary attention to ourselves."

"So, what do we do if we see him?" I said.

Pi sighed. "I'm sure he will understand."

"Do you really think he did it?" I asked quietly.

Pi adjusted his glasses a little and said, "...I think he is _capable_ of doing such things, but I don't believe he would."

Raven agreed with him. "There's always bad TPL—time, place, and location."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I decided to go up to the roof for a little fresh air when lunchtime came. I felt like I needed to breathe for just one minute and take a break from whatever it was that was suffocating me on the inside. I didn't know what the feeling was; a dark cloud loomed over my head, and it wouldn't go away. I felt like something bad was going to happen.

I felt like I was going to lose control of myself and do something horrible.

When I got to the top, I was surprised to see that the exit door was wide open, which meant that somebody was already up there. I glimpsed outside and found a certain brunet lying on the ground. I wanted to turn around and head back, but my body wouldn't listen to what my mind was telling it to do. My body just acted on its own, like I was pulled by an unknown force that was attracting me to him. Perhaps, it was my own sense of curiosity.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He turned to look at me briefly. "Getting away. You?"

"Fresh air." I stood there for another minute, quiet and still. After a while, I finally said, "Thank you for saving me the other day."

He nodded his head and didn't say anything more as he went back to staring at the sky. For a minute, he seemed sad and restless. He asked, "Don't you have something to ask me?"

His question left an awkward silence hanging over our head and a collection of thoughts that neither one of us wanted to be alone with.

I sat down beside him on the ground. "Have you eaten anything?" I asked.

He laughed.

I looked at him, genuinely confused.

"There have been all sorts of stories about me and all you have to ask is whether I have eaten or not?" He turned to look at me, his eyebrows rising in question. "Don't you want to confirm to see if it's true? Aren't you curious at all?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Perhaps I am curious by approaching you, but I don't believe in prying. First reason, it's none of my business. Second reason, if you don't want to tell anyone, then there is so use for me to pry—isn't that right?"

"No..." he said.

"No?"

"No, I have not eaten," he answered. "Why are you up here again?"

I stretched my arms out. "Fresh air."

He snorted. "Is that all?"

I didn't answer him though.

He then asked, "Is Abyss okay?"

"She's currently staying with my brother and me," I replied and continued to relate what had happened during his absence. "I'm worried about letting her go home. It's not a safe place for her."

Heroin laughed; this time, his laughter sent a cold chill through my body. "Tell me, Flame," he said with an inexplicable smile on his face, "_where_ is a safe place for anyone?"

"..."

That I could not answer; perhaps no one in this world could.

He closed his eyes and said, softly, "You shouldn't be seen with me so you should go."

"Are you staying here?"

He smirked. "Why go when I know that my presence will only make things more uncomfortable than it already is? I want to die, Flame, but I don't want to make my deathbed just yet."

"I never knew you were capable of making jokes," I said.

"Did you think I was a prune?"

"Uptight to be more exact."

"Thank you so much for your compliment."

I giggled. "Well, I personally think that it's better than being compared to a dog by Raven."

He snorted and rolled over to one side. "Ah, remind me to get back at the princess later."

"I'll place a rock to hold the door so you don't lock yourself out."

"Hn."

I got up and started walking away.

"Flame!" he called out all of a sudden. "_I didn't do it._"

It was a very soft whisper but I heard it loud and clear. I smiled, glancing at his back one last time before closing the door behind me.

"I know you didn't," I said through the closed door.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"I'm home." I stepped into the quiet house.

My brother came out from the kitchen to greet me. "Are you hungry?"

I shook my head. "I'll be in my room."

I walked past him without another word and went into my room, locking the door behind me. I shut my eyes in despair, seeing those unwanted memories in my mind. No matter what I did, I couldn't suppress these memories...these constant reminders of my sins, my sorrows, and my pains.

Then _that_ uneasy feeling came again, a feeling that something terrible was waiting just around the corner in the future. I could not describe that feeling.

"Touya-baka-nii-chan!"

My eyes snapped open when I heard Abyss's voice. Why was she home early? And why, in particular, was she calling Touya, _my_ brother, 'nii-chan?

"Who are you calling a 'baka'? You brat!" I heard Touya's voice next. "Why are you home early? Are you skipping classes?"

"I'm hungry."

"Don't you walk away from me! I demand to know why you're not in school at this hour. Meiling, are you listening to me?"

"Baka-nii-chan, I'm hungry!"

"Shut up and stop calling me that! I'll go make sandwiches."

Their voices slowly faded away. But perhaps I had chosen to tune them out because I didn't want to hear anymore. I closed my eyes and my mouth tightened; my fists were clenched tightly. What was that feeling that had suddenly come over me while I was listening to their conversation, and why...why did I dislike every bit of it?

I opened my eyes again when I heard a soft knock on the door. "Flame, are you in there?"

I let out a small sigh and turned around to open the door. "Yes?"

"Are you busy?" she asked, bearing a smile on her face.

I shook my head. "Why are you home early?"

"Oh, my classes were canceled for the day because the teacher had to leave all of a sudden."

"I see."

"Are you hungry? Your brother is making sandwiches downstairs."

"I...sorry, I'm not hungry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I think I'm going to take a little nap because I'm kind of tired."

"Okay. I'll come up and call you when it's time for dinner!"

I waited for her to walk away before closing the door. I knew I shouldn't have had this thought but... _I hated her smiling face._

That evening they kept calling my name on the other side of the door but I didn't answer them, nor did I go down for dinner. I stayed in my room the whole night. I just lay there on my bed; staring emptily at the ceiling, wishing that a hole would just open up on the floor and swallow me whole, taking me to a place far, far away from this misery.

My phone started vibrating but I didn't answer. After a while, it stopped for a good second or two, and then it started to vibrate again. Finally fed up with it, I reached over to grab the phone off the nightstand.

"Hello?"

"Took you long enough to pick up," the voice on the other line scorned. "Are you...okay?"

_Heroin_…

"Yeah. Why do you ask?"

"Abyss called me," he replied. "She said she was worried about you because you didn't look so good this afternoon."

"I'm fine."

"You're skipping dinner."

"I don't feel like eating."

"Right."

"I won't die because I didn't eat for one night."

"But you're torturing your body. Raven told me you didn't eat lunch either."

"Just let me be..._please_."

And he did. He hung up without saying another word.

The line between sleep and wakefulness is indistinct at the best of times. I waited for sleep, but sleep did not come.

There seemed to be two people in the room, not just me alone, and though the other flitted in and out of mind like a postponed task forgotten, her presence was still distinct. She was there with me. She had always been with me; always whispering quietly into my ears: _Sakura, come play with me. I'm lonely._

She was..._the other me_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I had thought I would feel a little bit better after the night passed away, but when morning came, it felt as though nothing had changed. The ailing feeling was still there, if not stronger than the day before.

A knock came on the door.

"Sakura, get up or you'll be late for school."

I got out of bed and walked to the door. "I want to stay home today," I said.

A worried look suddenly appeared on my brother's face and he quickly felt my forehead with his hand. "Are you sick? How do you feel? Do you feel hot?"

I pushed his hand away. "I'm fine. I just don't feel like going to school today, that's all."

"Do you want me to stay home with you?"

"No. Your job is more important."

Touya frowned. "No, Sakura—_you_ are more important to me."

I was happy to hear him say that, but at the same time, the pain that was dwelling inside of me increased by a ton hearing those sweet words. I didn't deserve it.

"I'm fine," I said. "Don't worry about me."

"Sakura, your breakfast is getting cold! I made pancakes!" I could hear Abyss screaming from the kitchen.

"I'll put your breakfast in the microwave, and I will call you during my break."

I nodded.

I quietly watched him leave, his back moving farther and farther away. I wondered if this was how it had always been, if I had always been watching him all these years—watching him shrink in the horizon, essentially leaving me behind. This was my thought as I watched him go. I sighed silently and walked back into my room, throwing myself onto the bed and pulling the cover tightly over my head. It wasn't long before I heard a gentle rapping on the door.

"Come in." I mumbled through the pillow.

"Flame, are you sick?"

"I'm fine, Abyss." _I just don't want to see you right now_, was what I wanted to add but I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to say those words to her, no matter how much I wanted to. I wanted to avoid her as much as possible, or at least until I figured out what I was going through in my mind. "I'll be fine. Go to school."

There was a long pause before I heard her footsteps come and go. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I didn't want to get up. Sunlight stabbed through the crack in the shade. I heard the sound of an engine starting, and I knew immediately that it was Touya's car. He was taking Abyss to school. I could hear it backing out of the driveway and onto the street before driving away, and then I could hear it no more.

I pulled the cover over my head again to blind out all the light. Perhaps, if I closed my eyes and welcome the darkness, it will all go away...

..._maybe the pain will suddenly vanish_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

But I was wrong.

A week slowly passed and everything was still the name. Nothing had changed; the pain was still visibly there.

It was a Friday afternoon, and I was getting home from school. I walked into the kitchen and was surprised to find my brother with a little fishbowl on the table.

"Are we getting a pet fish?" I asked.

"I was with a colleague this afternoon, and we went to the pet store to buy some toys for the dogs down at the station. I saw the goldfish and remembered Meiling saying that she'd always wanted a pet, so I bought one."

"Oh," I said rather simply.

"Sakura, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said quickly. "I'll be in my room."

"No, Sakura, you stay right there." He got up from where he was sitting and came towards me. He gripped my shoulders and turned me around; he was suddenly surprised by the look on my face. "Sakura—"

"I said I'm fine."

"You look like you're about to bawl your eyes out and you tell me you're fine? Sakura, I'm your brother for God's sake! Don't you think I'd know when something is bothering you?"

I snorted. "Do you now, Touya?" I hadn't meant to sound so bitter.

"Sakura, what is this about?"

"Nothing! It's about nothing. Can we please drop the topic?" I pushed his hands away and attempted to walk away, but he pulled me back.

"No, we are going to talk about this."

I was on the verge of breaking down. I didn't want to, at least not then. "_Please_... just drop the topic and go back to your stupid fish."

Touya looked at me in a strange way. "Is this about the fish? If you don't like having a fish, I can always—"

"It's not about the fish!"

There was a long silent between us before he spoke again. "...is this about Meiling?" he asked, quietly, almost as if he was whispering those words.

I turned my gaze away from him.

"Is it?" he asked again. "What about Meiling? Sakura, _tell me_."

His eyes glittered with concern as he strode closer to me till he'd pulled me into a warm embrace. I sank into his embrace as I had done many times before a long time ago whenever I was scared of the dark or when I was sad. Touya had always comforted me this way when I was little. As I held onto him, all I could register through my mind was that _this_ was my brother and no one else's.

"I don't like it..." I whimpered quietly into his shirt.

"What don't you like?"

"...this..." I drew in a deep breath. "I hate this."

"Sakura..."

"I don't like sharing you with someone else!"

"I'm home." The front door suddenly opened as a smiling Meiling came in, followed by Kaho-san and Yukito-san. I quickly dried my face and pushed myself away from my brother.

"Sakura—!" I was already out the door when Touya called my name. I never turned back once to look at them, because I was afraid to see a sad look on the other girl's face if she had heard me.

I wondered if they all had heard me. Did they? What did she think of me now? Was I a horrible person to have had such thoughts? I must've been a horrible person to have wished that she wasn't with us anymore, right?

It seemed like I was walking down an endless path that was leading to nowhere. I didn't feel like stopping, perhaps because I wanted to run away from everything. I didn't know how long I had been walking. I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. I knew that it was for quite a long time because after a while, my muscles started to become tired and I couldn't take another step.

I sat down on a bench and looked around. It seemed like a small park, and I could see an apartment building not too far away. The building looked like a place for the wealthy, so I must've somehow ended up on the rich side of town.

I jumped a little when my phone started ringing. I looked at the caller ID before answering. "Hello?"

Heroin growled in frustration as soon as I answered. "If you've decided to run away from home, then run to a place where no one can find you. Don't suddenly run to where I live."

I looked around my surrounding. "Where are you?"

"I'm right behind you, baka."

I turned around and was greeted by a pair of frustrated amber eyes.

"D-Did Abyss call you?"

He gave me an exasperated look that said 'Who else would it be?' before walking over and sitting down beside me. "You like to make people worry, don't you? Flame—" he sighed exasperatedly when I didn't respond to him, "—what's the problem?"

"Nothing."

"Sitting here and moping in front of my place considers as nothing. Do you take me for a fool?"

"You live in this area?"

He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. "You don't have to have _that_ kind of reaction." He pointed to the building behind us. "I live in there."

"You're almost like Raven then."

"No, I just live there."

I didn't get it. This was an area for the upper class, was it not?

He didn't care to elaborate. I supposed he was waiting for me to talk about something else. So I asked, "Have you ever been scared of losing something precious to you?"

"Me?" He stopped to think for a minute. "Nothing that I would ever mourn over."

"None at all?"

"None at all."

"I think I have... just recently," I said. "I think I hurt Abyss today—I didn't mean to. I don't know what overcame me. Lately I've been getting this unnerving feeling. Every time I see my brother and her together, I can't control my emotions."

"You feel like you're slowly losing your brother."

I nodded. "But maybe I've lost him a long, long time ago."

"Sorry, but I can't say any sentimental words of wisdom to you. What I can tell you though is to suck it up and go home, it's going to rain soon."

"I didn't ask you for your words of wisdom." I snapped at him. "Even if you have any, I wouldn't want it anyway."

He suddenly threw his cigarette onto the ground and crushed it rather violently. I wondered if I had angered him with my words. "Have you ever lived for somebody before?" he suddenly asked.

"...what?"

"Have you ever lived for someone? Not for yourself, but for someone else—someone important in your life. Do you know what it's like to wait for something all of your life, to always hope and dream, but deep down inside, you know that it's all in vain?" He snorted. "Flame, you are looking for something different than the rest of us. Perhaps, the person looking for a resolution isn't you, but your brother."

I suddenly felt as though the world had rushed past me and I was the only one standing still, sitting there, staring at the rest of the world, sinking into a silent abyss. I was sinking deeper and deeper into that void, not knowing how to get out.

As darkness surrounded me, Heroin's words suddenly became conscious in my mind: _perhaps, the person looking for a resolution isn't you, but your brother_.

Maybe, just maybe… the person that wanted to let go of everything most wasn't me, but the person that had always wanted to be saved _was _me.

I suddenly became very confused. I didn't understand anything anymore. My mind was in turmoil.

I felt raindrops on my shoulders.

"Let's go," said Heroin; but I hesitated. "Let's go!"

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the building. We ran into the lobby and were greeted by a middle-aged man, who handed each of us a towel.

"Meeting your girlfriend in the rain, Li-san? How cute," the man said with amusement in his voice.

Heroin glared at him and growled. "It's not like that!"

The man smiled kindly. "Yue will be most definitely amused."

"I told you it's not like that!" Maybe the man would've believed him more if his face wasn't turning so red, was what I wanted to tell Heroin but decided that it probably wasn't the wisest thing to do. "Let's go," he said to me.

I bowed to the man and quickly followed Heroin into the elevator. "Who was that?"

"Wei," he answered. "He's the manager of the place."

"And Yue?"

"My probation officer."

I nodded quietly. "I see."

I couldn't help but notice that his face was still somewhat red. It was amusing to see him like this.

"Were you thinking about what I said earlier?"

I opened my mouth but closed it, and then opened it again. "I'll be lying if I say it didn't disturb me," I said.

"Forget about it."

"You know I can't just forget about it."

"That's probably your biggest problem—you _can't_ forget." The elevator stopped and he stepped out. "This way."

I followed him to a door down the hall and watched as he unlocked it. "Do you live alone?" I asked as I stepped into the apartment. The atmosphere was surprisingly cozy.

"Follow me." He walked away without answering my question.

I had a feeling he was avoiding the topic in general, and made a mental note not to ask him for the second time.

"Hurry up. There's nothing to look at it," he scorned, noticing that I was gazing at some of his furniture.

So this was how the upper class lived. The walls were painted with a rich, elegant creamy color, and the furniture were more than _grand_.

"Are you done looking already?"

"Sorry!" I ran to catch up with him.

"Get out of those wet clothes, and I'll find you something to change in."

I looked around the room. "H-Here?"

He laughed all of a sudden. "You sound like I'm going to do something to you. And there's an empty bathroom over there."

I felt embarrassed. He could've just pointed to the bathroom without saying anything. Why did he even need to laugh?

I quickly ran into the bathroom to hide my flushed face. It was one thing to let him think that he'd embarrassed me but it was another thing to let him _know_ that I was embarrassed.

"Heroin, there's only one towel in here."

"Just use it."

"...okay."

I slowly undressed myself, taking off the wet clothes and neatly discarded them in a little pile on the floor. After drying my hair with the towel, I wrapped the towel around my body and went to ask Heroin what I should do with my wet clothes. As soon as I opened the door, a piece of clothing suddenly flew into my face.

"Don't come out yet!"

I quickly shut the door, not knowing what was wrong or what had just happened. I thought about it for a few seconds before coming to a conclusion: _Oh, he was undressing..._

He knocked on the door a few minutes later.

"Give me your wet clothes," he said and handed me a change of clothes.

I looked at the object in my hand, stunned. It was a silver charmeuse dress with a pleated front and gold-tone beads that detailed the V-neck beautifully.

"...Heroin?"

"What is it?"

"Should I wear this?"

"I don't mind you wearing the towel either."

"Thanks," I said dryly and closed the door to his face.

I finally emerged from the bathroom to find him lying on the bed with a magazine in his hands. He put the magazine down to look at me, a weird smile forming on his face. "Not bad," was what he said.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Isn't it a waste to let me wear something like this?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I have no use for it, so you might as well wear it."

"Don't you want to give it to whoever you bought it for?" I asked. "Unless you have _that_ kind of interest and had bought the dress for yourself. Come to think of it, the style is kind of mature so I'm sure it's for an older woman." He still didn't say anything. He pretended to ignore me by reading the magazine. I giggled and said, "So I see you're into older women."

He said behind the magazine, "I can rip that dress off if you have such a problem wearing it."

"No need to, I got the hint."

"I asked Wei to take care of your wet clothes," he added.

"Thanks. I'm sorry for troubling you today."

He looked at me when I started to rock back and forth on the balls of my feet. "You can sit down you know."

I sat down on the edge, making sure there was somewhat of a distance between us. He saw this and rolled his eyes slightly in exasperation. I opened my mouth to say something but was cut off by a loud bang. It sounded like the front door had been slammed shut.

A female voice then shouted, "I know you're home!"

Heroin put the magazine down and got off the bed. "Stay in here and don't make a sound. Don't come out no matter what happens," he ordered.

I nodded.

He left, closing the door behind him. I listened quietly to what was happening outside. I could make out their voices, but I couldn't hear what was being said clearly. I wondered who the woman was. His older girlfriend or a roommate, perhaps? I had never seen him react like that before.

Minutes passed. Nothing seemed to be happening out there. I had spoken too soon. A loud crash came out of nowhere and the voices were getting louder. Or rather, the woman's voice was getting louder and Heroin could be heard no more.

And then a few more crashes. It sounded like glasses breaking and furniture being thrown around.

"...you worthless piece of...!"

I jumped up from where I was sitting to get to the door. I stopped myself remembering what Heroin had said not to do.

"If it hadn't been for you, my life wouldn't be so miserable right now! I hate you…I fucking hate you!"

I heard hitting. I could see it. No... I could _feel_ it.

"...if I had just let you die!"

..._Heroin_.

Minutes continued to pass by. Half an hour had passed and the screaming, breaking, and crashing were still happening. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself. At times like this, I felt so powerless. My body was stiff and my heart ached, but I wasn't sure why. It was almost as if I could feel his pain, but I know that was a silly thought... but it had seemed like I could.

After a little while, everything ceased: there was no more screaming, no more breaking, no more crashing. All was quiet and nothing but sweet silence filled the apartment. I was conscious when I heard footsteps coming down the hallway; each step was heavy and limp. I heard the sound of the room across the hall opening, and it was a long five or ten minutes before I heard the door close. I nearly jumped from where I was standing when Syaoran's bedroom door suddenly opened, and he stood in the doorway with small bruises on his face, red marks around his neck, and a cut on his...

"You're blee—" He quickly covered my mouth. I noticed the limp in his walk and helped him over to the bed.

"Close the door and lock it," he whispered into my ears.

I did so and ran into the bathroom to grab the towel I'd used earlier. I came back out with a wet towel and cleaned his cut for him. Thankfully, it wasn't a very deep cut.

"What happened?" I asked quietly. "I heard a woman's voice. Who is she?"

"My mother," he said with a faint smile.

"Why..." I wanted to ask him why he'd let her do something like that. His wounds reminded me of the many times when I had seen him in the morning with bruises and whatnots all over him. "The wounds you've had before... they weren't from you fighting, were they?"

He didn't say anything.

"Heroin!"

He brought a finger to my lips. "Shh. She's sleeping."

"How can you be so kind to her when she's done something so horrible to you?"

"I'm going to take a little nap. I'll take you home when I wake up." He still bore that stupid smile on his face, that stupid little smile that forever engraved itself in my heart since that day.

..._his stupid little smile_…

"You idiot..." And for the first time in my life, I cried—not for myself but for someone else.

* * *

«—to be continued—»

.x.

Word Count: 5,325


	6. demise

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「D ◦ E ◦ M ◦ I ◦ S ◦ E」

"...do you live alone with your mother?" I asked during the ride to my house.

"Yeah."

"What about your father?"

There was a short pause before he answered, hesitantly, "I don't… She—"

He began to laugh all of a sudden.

I knew he was asking himself just what in the world was he doing, trying to explain his past and most personal feelings to an outsider. I saw the vulnerability in him; I saw it all for a brief second, and then it was quickly locked away again.

I sensed his uneasiness. "It's okay. You don't have to force yourself to tell me."

"It's really late." He started to change the topic. "You should have woken me up earlier."

I rolled my eyes slightly. "You think I didn't try? You slept like the dead! I would've had to shout at the top of my lungs to wake you up."

I didn't want to wake up his mother. I didn't know what kind of person she was; but judging from how she'd treated him, I didn't want to meet her at all. Not now, not _ever_.

When I had decided to wake Heroin up, his mother was already gone. It was about quarter-past eleven when I heard the bedroom door open across the hall. Her footsteps slowly faded away until all that could be heard in the end was the slamming of the front door and complete silence that followed afterward.

He grunted. "I _do not_ sleep like a dead pig."

I snorted at the expression on his face. It was amusing, _really_ amusing. And so typical of Heroin.

Surprisingly, despite all of the things that had happened that day, we were able to make jokes with each other and laugh. _We laughed._

We had laughed and laughed until the car came to a gradual stop and he turned to say to me, "We're here."

Just like that, with those two little words, we were brought back to the harsh reality.

"...yeah, we are..." I whispered softly, gazing at the house just up ahead. I unbuckled my seatbelt and sat there, still staring. It was as though I was waiting for some sort of sign to tell me what to do.

I didn't want to go.

I didn't want to face them, the people I had ran out on...

"Flame."

"How should I face him, Heroin?" I lowered my head in shame. "Did you know that he could've been father if it wasn't for me? He would make a very good father, too—I could be an aunt right now."

I stared out the window. All of the lights downstairs were on and I could see my brother's shadow walking from one room to the next, pacing back and forth in the living room and then walking back into the kitchen again.

He didn't answer.

He rolled down the window and grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the glove department. He lit a stick in his mouth and turned off the engine before turning to look at me briefly, offering the pack to me.

"No, thank you."

He shrugged his shoulders and threw the pack back where he had gotten it.

"You asked me earlier if the dress was meant for somebody—" he stopped to take a deep inhale, "—it was a gift to my mother on her birthday. Do you know what she'd said when I handed it to her?" He blew a puff of smoke in the air and laughed. "She threw it back into my face and said she didn't want anything that I bought with my filthy money. Irony can be something, don't you agree? Do you get what I'm trying to tell you, Flame?"

"...you and your mom both make dirty money?"

He rolled his eyes. "Real cute."

"Can't say I didn't try."

"You better go. I don't want your brother to run out looking for you and end up finding you in my car in the middle of the night," he said.

"Wouldn't that be a pretty sight though?"

"See if I take you in the next time you decide to run away."

I gave him a smile and got out of the car. Leaning over the door, I asked, "Are you going home?"

What I wanted to know was if he was going to be fine going home after what had happened, but I didn't feel right asking him that.

He nodded.

I shut the door and walked away slowly, not looking back at him once. I knew that was what he'd wanted. He'd rather watch me go than the other way around. That way, he didn't have to feel like a weakling.

That way, we wouldn't have to feel like we'd intruded into each other's lives. And _that_ way, we could overlook everything without feeling a heavy burden on our shoulders.

"T-Touya-nii, Sakura is b-back!" Abyss exclaimed with much enthusiasm as soon as she saw me coming through the door. She got up from the bottom of the stairs and ran over to me, throwing her arms around me like we hadn't seen each other in years.

I didn't know how to respond to her.

"Were you waiting for me?" I asked instead.

She nodded. "I knew I could count on Heroin," she quietly whispered to me, bearing a smile on her face.

"Sakura, where have you been? Do you know what fucking time it is?" I looked at my brother's face; worries evidently shown in his eyes.

"Touya, it's okay." Yukito-san was there also. "She's home now, safe and sound."

"It's late." Kaho signaled for Yukito-san to take my brother away. She then turned to address Meiling and me, "You two should go to bed. It has been a very long day. Go on."

"Actually..." I stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "Kaho-san, may I ask for a very selfish request?"

The woman seemed surprised. "Of course, Sakura."

"Can you take Meiling to your place tonight?" Said girl had whirled around at this point. I avoided looking at whatever expression was on the younger girl's face. "I want to talk to Touya about something."

Touya looked at Abyss. "You don't mind, do you?"

"N-No, of course not!"

I gave her a polite nod. "Thank you."

She nodded back and quietly left with Kaho-san and Yukito-san. My brother and I didn't move from where we were standing for a good minute or two. He then cleared his throat and motioned for me to follow him as he walked through the living room to the back patio. When I reached for the switch to turn on the patio lights, he said, "Leave it."

I sat down on the steps and looked up at the sky. "The air is getting colder as the days go by," I said.

"Winter is approaching."

"Yes, _it_ is coming."

"Sakura, what's been bugging you?"

I let out a quiet sigh and said, "Everything."

A cold wind blew at my face, and I closed my eyes collecting all of my thoughts together, trying to stay as calm as possible.

"Touya, have you—" I searched for that voice inside of me. "Have you ever hated me?"

"Sakura, what are you saying? You are my only sister for God's sake! _How_ can I hate you?"

I smiled distantly. "Funny. Because _I_ hated you. Not too long ago, I hated you with such a passion when you hadn't even done anything wrong towards me. All I ever asked for was, perhaps, a little attention from our parents, some sort of acknowledgment or an indication that they were aware of my existence. It had seemed to me then that I was extra luggage that they didn't need nor _want_. There were times when I questioned myself why I was even born. If it had started with a mistake, then why not _correct_ that mistake when they were given the chance to?"

"Do _not_ say that you were a mistake. Our parents _loved_ you."

"Love—they loved me?" I chuckled, the bitterness of the laugh still clinging to my tongue. "Touya, they loved _you_. I know I sound like a sad, pathetic little girl who's just dying to get some affection, and maybe I am—who knows? I just _don't know_ anymore. The line between hate and love, just how thin is it?"

"Sakura, you are losing me. What are you trying to say?"

"I was so consumed in my own little world where I had lived and thrived on hatred alone, so convinced that I had been wronged greatly, to the point that I...I killed them."

"You didn't kill them."

"But I did," I whispered. "I watched them as they were engulfed in an inferno of flames that had turned everything into debris and ashes. I heard their cries for help. They had called out my name several times, and their hands were reaching out to me. I _had_ the chance to help them, and I could have saved them. _Run, Sakura. Go for help, Sakura_. But I turned my head away, acting like I had heard nothing. '_Don't look at me...it's too late to look at me now_,' were my last words to them before I closed my eyes and wished for everything to vanish in front of me. And my wish came true. They were gone."

Touya remained silent. I wondered if he was feeling speechlessness or utter disgust.

"I felt _satisfied_. However, it wasn't until I saw your face that I realized just what I had done exactly, and I felt ashamed of myself... _I felt like an animal_."

_I had sunken into a deep void before I could even know it._

"You secluded yourself entirely because of these thoughts...?"

I just gave him a quick glance. "Unlike you, Touya, I couldn't tell where I belonged exactly: inside that pit of darkness or with you. I didn't choose the darkness. _The darkness chose me_, and I welcomed it."

I stared at my hands shakily.

"These hands...although they have never touched blood, I feel like they are tainted."

"Why didn't you talk to me?" He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "_Dang it_, Sakura, just what am I to you? Have you ever thought of me as your older brother? Because you're my little sister, I had to—I hel..." He stopped midsentence all so suddenly, as if he'd caught himself saying something he knew he shouldn't.

"Tell me, Touya. If it hadn't been for me, would you have let go a long time ago?"

_Perhaps, the person looking for a resolution isn't you...but your brother_.

He looked wearily towards me. "If you had left like all of them then yes, I would've let go a long time ago. Certain thoughts have crossed my mind before—like if I had given up in the beginning, I didn't have to meet Nakuru, and if I didn't meet Nakuru, I didn't have to feel the agonizing pain that came afterwards when everything I had thought _would_ be mine was taken away in the blink of an eye."

"Then why?"

He snorted. "If I had left you alone, Nakuru would've kicked my ass so hard I'd wake up from the dead the minute that I did something _stupid_."

"She had you whipped, didn't she?" I teased.

"Now you listen here. The person wearing the pants in our relationship was _me_—not her."

"_Just_ the pants, Touya?"

"W-Where did you learn to—_don't_ make me hurt you." In the end, he resorted to a threat to have the last word and save himself from a moment of embarrassment in front of his little sister. Somehow, that didn't surprise me at all. It was so Touya like. And, for a second, it had felt like he and I were truly brother and sister again. "I'll go make us some hot cocoa."

"Okay."

I let out a sigh, feeling tired and well…everything else.

At times like these, I wondered why human bodies were so weak. Humans would be so much more at peace without complicated things like emotions; but, perhaps, emotions were what defined us as humans. But wouldn't we better off if we didn't feel pain or sorrow?

How could a person willingly throw himself into something while knowing that it would only bring him suffering and, maybe, even more pain?

Was it stupidity, or was it courage?

I didn't quite know if I was referring to my brother or Heroin in particular.

Even though my brother didn't give a clear answer to my question, I knew what he was really thinking. _If I had left you alone..._

"That took a while, didn't it?"

I snapped out of my daze and graciously took the hot cup of cocoa from him. "Thank you."

There was little conversation between us afterwards. We'd just sat there, quietly drinking our own cocoa and gazing at the starless sky. We both had a lot on our minds, a lot of things we wanted to say to each other, but the words wouldn't come out. Perhaps if either one of us had gathered the courage to say something—_anything at all_—then we _might_ could've looked up at the same sky that night.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I woke up next morning at nine o'clock, feeling slightly troubled and uneasy. I found myself confronted with the recollection of what happened the night before, or rather, just a few hours ago. I remembered every detail of the conversation with my brother, and though the conversation made a few things easier between us, it didn't suddenly heal the wounds we had all these years.

"Sakura, are you up?" Touya opened the door and poked his head in with the phone in one hand. "Tomoyo is on the phone."

He handed me the phone and left.

"Hello?"

"Hey, is something wrong? I tried calling you last night, but you never picked up. Then I ended up calling Abyss at like 1 AM, and she said she was staying with Kaho-san for the night. What happened?"

"Nothing," I said. "Just some small family matters. Anyway, is there a reason that you've called?"

"Yeah, we're meeting at the cabin today. Can you come?"

"I'll have to see."

"Heroin said to be ready soon. What do you have to _see_ about?" The girl giggled on the other line. "I already called him, and he asked me to pass you the message before hanging up."

"Oh, okay then."

I could suddenly see an image of the other girl, wherever she was, grinning from chin to chin as she waited for just the right moment to pop in a sly comment.

"You sound somewhat disappointed." And there it was. "Were you hoping to use this as an excuse to talk to him by any chance?"

"There is nothing going on between us!"

She laughed. "Okay, I'll stop teasing you. I have to go now. See you later."

"Alright."

I could smell the sweet scent of pancakes and syrup when I got downstairs. I walked into the kitchen, finding my brother sitting at the table alone with a newspaper in front of him.

"Meiling isn't back yet?" I asked.

"Not yet."

"Oh..."

I had thought she was back already because ever since she'd come to live with us, she had been the one making the pancakes for breakfast. I suppose that I was somewhat expecting her presence that morning. It felt weird coming into the kitchen and sitting down with a hot plate of pancakes in front of me without having a certain black-haired girl sitting beside me asking me constantly if the pancakes were alright or if I needed more syrup like she needed my approval or something.

Touya looked up from his morning paper. "Is something wrong? You're just looking at your plate."

"It's n-nothing..." I answered. "I don't feel very hungry."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Just then, a loud honk was heard out of nowhere. Something told me that was Heroin—no doubt about it.

"That's my ride," I said, quickly getting out of my seat.

"Where are you going?" Touya folded his newspaper to look at me; kicking into older brother mode.

"Tomoyo wants to hang out!" I called back as I hurried out of the house and ran as fast as I could to the familiar car. I got inside quickly and screamed, "Go, go, go!"

Heroin stepped on the gas immediately.

"Why did you honk?" I yelled at him once we were far enough from my house. "My brother was home!"

"I didn't see his car, so I thought he wasn't home," he answered. "Did you get yelled at last night?"

I shook my head. "No, but we talked."

"And?"

"You were right."

"How are you feeling?"

I forced up a smile. "After talking to him, I can only realize how distant we really are. It's impossible for us to go back being what we once were. It's just not possible anymore."

"And?"

"And I don't know..." I answered quietly, almost as if I was whispering to myself. "What about you?" I asked.

"What about me?" he said back.

I had a feeling he didn't want to talk about it, so I dropped the topic. He never seemed to talk much about himself and I didn't want to say anything. The rest of the ride was pretty much spent in silence, except for the low music playing in the background. We finally arrived at the cabin after a few more minutes of awkwardness, and we couldn't have been any more relieved when we both got out of the car.

"This is strange." I turned my head to look at him, wondering what was wrong. "Where is Raven's car?"

If he hadn't pointed it out, I probably wouldn't have noticed that only Pi's car was there.

"Maybe she isn't here yet," I said. "Let's go inside."

"Yeah."

We walked toward the cabin door, stopping for a second when we heard voices coming from the inside. My initial thought was that Pi was there with Abyss because she normally rode with him every time we came here. However, I was surprised to see that it wasn't Abyss that was sitting with Pi in front of the fireplace, but Raven herself. I could sense that Heroin had the same reaction as I did when we entered through the door.

"Hey, you're here!" Raven cried out cheerily.

I looked around the place. I asked, "Where is Abyss?"

"I called her and asked if she needed a ride," answered Pi. "But she didn't want to come today."

I wondered if it was because of me that she didn't want to come.

"Is there a reason for calling this meeting?" asked Heroin, looking back and forth between Raven and Pi.

Raven shook her head slightly. "Not particularly. I just have something that I want to say to Flame in person."

Her words surprised me, and I wondered what she wanted to talk about. Something didn't feel right, and I wasn't the only one who felt like that. Heroin sent me the same look I was sending _him_; we were both puzzled.

Raven gestured to the window and started walking. Despite my confusion, I followed her over to the edge of the cliff. She sat down and started to swing her feet over the edge. She looked up at me and patted the spot on the grass next to her.

"Sit," she said.

I sat down, peering into all the edges of the mountains while asking myself how long it had been since the last time I had sat on this edge for the first time...the _only_ time until now.

It felt so unfamiliar...and so weird; just sitting there and staring out into an empty pit. I didn't remember having this feeling when I'd sat on the edge for the first time. What changed? Everything looked the same. Everything was _still_ the same. So _what_ changed?

"Flame..." Raven started speaking, "I want to say thank you."

I promptly turned my head and looked at the other girl. "For what?"

"For coming to the rooftop," she answered. "Your presence made a difference in everything."

"What do you mean?"

"It was your presence that made everyone stuck together because you were the one who had said _it_." She smiled. "We all started to believe that we have an escape—that we _can_ escape—because you brought us together with your words. I now know that I don't have to live this life, and that I have a choice to leave it all behind me. I, too, can have happiness if I take it into my own hands. Although my action can hurt a lot of people, I want to do something for myself just this once—I hope you will understand."

"...Raven, where are you getting at?" I asked.

"I want to ask for your forgiveness in advance," she said.

"My forgiveness for what?"

She didn't answer. She just looked at me and smiled.

I watched her silently, trying to find some sort of hidden message behind her smile but I couldn't find anything. All I saw was an excited sparkle in the pair of amethyst eyes, almost as if she was anticipating or waiting for a certain something that was to come in the near future. And I asked myself, _what was going on_?

"Please remember that you will always be a dear friend to me," the girl said. "You guys might hate me later, but all I can say now is that I'm sorry."

"Raven, I'm not following you on this at all."

Again, she just simply smiled. She got up all of sudden and started to walk away from me without answering any of my questions. I followed her back with my eyes. After she disappeared back inside the cabin, I fell back onto the grass and gazed at the sky, pondering over her previous words.

Heroin and I parted with Pi and Raven around a quarter past noon after the four of us had enjoyed the lunch that Raven prepared. The two stayed behind because Raven wanted to clean up a little around the cabin. I offered to help, but she said that Pi was enough help. Ever since my private conversation with the girl, I couldn't help but think about what she could've meant by her words. I asked Heroin on the ride home if the other two had seemed a little weird to him.

"You noticed, too?"

"Did Pi say anything weird to you?"

"We didn't talk when we were alone with each other," he answered. "But he did tell me to be careful of what I get myself into from now on. I also noticed something strange about the two of them when they were in the same room together. Their eyes would find each other every now and then, and Raven jumped a lot whenever I caught her looking at Pi."

"I didn't understand what Raven was saying to me either." I told him about my conversation with the girl.

Heroin chuckled. "It sounds like today was a goodbye session instead of a meeting."

He quickly slammed on the brake, and we both jerked forward. I gasped for breath as my seat belt cut into my chest, my hair blanketing my face.

Then it hit me.

Why did it take me so long to see it?

Heroin made a sharp U-turn and raced back to the cabin, stepping hard on the gas pedal. When we got there, Pi's car was gone. On the steps was the key to the cabin and a piece of paper under it.

Heroin picked up the key and briefly read over the paper.

"What does it say?" I asked.

"It's for you," he said.

I took the piece of paper from him, my hands were trembling.

"You don't think—" I trailed off, my eyes falling upon the cliff. "The car isn't here, that should be a good sign... _right_?"

"We shouldn't jump to conclusions," he said, quietly. So quiet that it scared me. "First, we need to tell Abyss. Then, we will try to contact them. If that doesn't work out, we'll wait..."

I nodded and looked back at the piece of paper in my hand.

Written on it were the words: _Thank you, Sakura—till we meet again. Love, Tomoyo_.

Just then, a gust of wind came from out of nowhere and blew the piece of paper away. And it was gone with the wind...

_To a place unknown_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

When I got home, I found my brother sitting in the living room with a book in his hand.

"Meiling still isn't back yet?" I asked.

"No, she called earlier and said that she'll be spending the rest of the weekend with Kaho."

"I see. She really likes it there, huh?"

My brother closed the book he was reading. "It's not because of you, Sakura. Kaho insisted on the girl staying with her. Did something happen? Your face seems a little pale."

I quickly shook my head. "No, nothing happened."

"Sakura, there's something you should know," Touya said. "Meiling will be going against her father in court soon. If successful, she will be living with us—as another Kinomoto."

* * *

«—to be continued—»

(1) **Eriol and Tomoyo are out of the picture for good**. I never intended for these two to have much of a role. They're no longer relevant to the plot as they have served their purpose. Keeping them just means extra drama to keep the story exciting, and Edge is _not_ meant to be exciting. _Are they alive, or did they jump?_—that is for you to decide on your own. How pessimistic or optimistic are you? :)

.x.

Word Count: 4,232


	7. shadows

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「S ◦ H ◦ A ◦ D ◦ O ◦ W ◦ S」

People say that autumn is the season of loss and grief. As the autumn tree loses its leaves and seems to be exposed and vulnerable so, too, may we in a time of loss, grief and change.

Grief can be described as the tearing apart of one's life. One feels wounded and hurt, and the pain is both physical and emotional. Some move quickly through this cold and dark time, while others will last for some time in this maze of despair.

For us... autumn was just the beginning.

Weeks had passed since I last saw Raven and Pi. We didn't hear a word from them ever since then. Though, there had been rumors going around the school concerning Raven's disappearance. Her _friends_ claimed to have heard from Raven's mother that she'd gone off to some top-notch boarding school abroad. I didn't believe a word of it.

There were also talks in the air of the disappearance of the school's smartest student. Yukito-san mentioned that Pi had come to see him earlier about dropping out of school. The school tried to contact his parents but they were never available, and when someone finally did contact the school back, it was the Hiiragizawa's lawyer, telling Yukito-san to stop wasting his clients' precious time. Kaho-san said that she wasn't surprised that had happened. Every time she'd tried to get in touch with his parents a lot of times regarding scholarships and his college admission, it was the lawyer who'd always called her back.

Kaho-san asked me if I knew anything about their disappearance, and I told her that I didn't. I had a tiny suspicion, but I wasn't going to tell her or anybody else when I wasn't even sure myself.

As time went by, everyone started to believe the lies that were hanging in the air. Everyone but us. We knew that the rumors weren't true. Or were they?

Maybe Raven's mother was telling the truth.

Maybe she did go to some boarding school far away in another country. But what about Pi?

None of it made any sense to me. At some point, I felt angry towards the other girl.

Wasn't it she who said we had to hold on no matter what? She had said that we'd go through this together as a group. So then... _why_?

"Flame?"

I opened my eyes and sat up. "You're here."

Abyss nodded and sat down in front of me. "Sorry. Were you napping?"

I shook my head. "Just thinking."

"_I think we should just forget about them_," were the words I hadn't expected to hear.

I didn't say anything, for I didn't know _what_ to say in response.

"Whatever happened to them," she continued, "it doesn't matter anymore, because they left us."

Saying that they _left_ us was like saying that they didn't care. That it didn't matter to them what would happen to the rest of us in the future, and that everything that had happened until then didn't mean anything to them. I suppose I was holding on to the hope that it wasn't true—that, perhaps, they did care about us.

Abyss noticed where my thoughts were leading me, and so she quickly changed the subject to set me at ease again. She said instead, "I bumped into Heroin on my way here. He said he's going to be a little late."

For the past few weeks, Heroin, Abyss, and I met up every day at lunch time in the stairway leading up to the roof. At first, it was just a mean of getting away from the hectic gossips and nasty stares from the other students, but lately the stairway had become a different kind of shelter.

"Oh... I see. By the way, how are things going with Kaho-san?" I asked. Abyss still lived with Kaho-san. The adults thought that it was safer for the girl to live with Kaho-san till the trial was over.

"Things are good, except she's like a nagging mother. Always nagging me to do my homework, study a little more, and pick up what little mess I make."

I smiled a little. "That's Kaho-san for you."

"How long have Kaho-san, Yukito-san, and Touya known each other? They seem really close."

"Yukito-san and Touya have been friends since Junior high, I think. Kaho-san didn't know them until college," I said. "Kaho-san was the one who had introduced Nak—"

I stopped myself from saying anything further.

Abyss looked at me with curious eyes.

"She was the one who had introduced Nakuru to Touya," I continued. If the girl was going to become a part of the family, then she deserved to know. "Nakuru was Touya's fiancé."

"_Was_?"

"She passed away five years ago."

I could tell she wanted to ask _how_, but couldn't bring herself to. I was grateful that she didn't, because I wouldn't have been able to answer her even if she'd asked me.

"Sorry but I can't really stay today," said the other girl, apologetically. "I only came by to tell you what Heroin said. I have to finish up a project for one of my classes, so I'll see you after school."

"Okay."

"Are you going to wait for Heroin?" she asked with a little smile on her face, like she knew something that I didn't.

I slapped her on the arm playfully. "Not you, too!"

"You're blushing! Oh my goodness, you're really _blushing_!" the girl cried in astonishment, with an almost childlike giggle. "Sakura likes—!"

Clearly frustrated _and_ embarrassed, I instantly covered her mouth with my hand, at which she responded with a yelp. I began to say, "I assure you, I _do not_ like—"

"_What_ are you two doing?"

Standing a few steps below us was Heroin with the most dumbfounded look plastered on his face, having not a clue whether he should continue up the stairs or turn around and leave pretending as though he'd seen nothing. I let go of Abyss, and we turned to look at each other before looking at him and then at each other again. We burst out laughing.

"_Girls_."

We looked back at him and laughed some more.

It was a good minute or two before we composed ourselves again, and Abyss said that she really needed to go. However, she didn't leave quite yet. She had to stay a few more seconds to throw in: "Heroin, you shouldn't make a girl wait, you know."

I watched as she ran off and tried to prevent myself from reddening when Heroin turned to look at me. I understood right away that the girl's comment was meant to poke fun at me more than ridicule the other boy.

"I never imagined audaciousness to be in her character," he said, walking to the top of the stairs.

"Looks _can_ be deceiving after all."

Heroin sat down and leaned back against the exit door. He stuffed a hand into his left pocket and brought out a lighter. I quickly snatched the lighter away from him.

"Don't even think about it."

"Flame, give me a break." He was _near_ pleading. "I had a tough night."

"Heroin, if she doesn't kill you, _this_ will."

"I've had worse," he said, quietly.

I reluctantly handed the lighter back to him and took a seat beside him on the cold, hard floor. I observed quietly as he lit a cigarette in his mouth and took a deep draw, letting the smoke fill his lungs and the nicotine take its sweet effect. But it didn't. He felt nothing.

"Was it worse than usual?" I asked; not realizing that I had raised my hand to touch the thin cut on his neck. I felt his body stiffen, rigid with unnamed emotion, and then he nodded, briefly, before taking in another inhale.

I withdrew my hand and switched my gaze elsewhere, feeling somewhat confused about my action.

Why did I reach out to him like that? What impulse made me touch him like that?

He must've thought I was weird.

"How is Abyss's trial going?" He changed the subject.

"Okay," I replied. "Touya isn't just aiming to take guardianship away from her father anymore."

"He wants to send the bastard away?"

I nodded. "So do Kaho-san and Yukito-san."

"And you're okay with having Abyss added to the family?"

"I can't say that I was completely comfortable with the idea when my brother told me," I said. "But my brother's tone of voice had been a sign that this is how it's going to be with or without my consent, so I might as well learn how to share."

He chuckled. He stood up, threw the cigarette away, and stomped on it. He pushed the exit door open to let a little air out. "When is the trial?" he asked.

"This Monday," I replied shortly. "But they are meeting with her father and the defense attorney this weekend to see if they can come to a settlement outside of court."

He closed the door and sat down again. "Are you going?"

I shook my head. "If I go, it'll just be too many people."

"I see..."

We sat in silence for what seemed like hours... but it wasn't hours. It was hardly five minutes, but it had felt like hours to me. The tension was rising, and my body was stiff. I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure what. I stole a glance at him. His eyes were glazed, fixed on the floor, but I knew that he knew that I was watching him. His expression was mixed with confusion and tiredness. I knew something was bothering him. It pained me to see him like that. The pain twisted my guts inside out because I didn't know what was bothering him, and I didn't know how to go about asking him.

I had this strange urge, a burning desire, to just reach out and embrace him, to make him feel safe. I wanted to comfort him and assure him that everything would be all right. But I couldn't make that promise because I didn't know it to be true.

"..._Oh, God_..."

He looked at me in surprise. "What's wrong? You look terrified."

I _was_ terrified.

I was terrified by the realization that I cared for him... that I possibly _liked_ him.

"Are you okay?"

I was lost under his gaze. I wonder how I had come to develop feelings for him...and since when?

"I-I'm fine," I finally pulled myself together.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded and said, "I should get going."

"But the bell hasn't—"

"I'll see you later!" And I took off as fast as I could.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I managed to avoid Heroin at school for the remainder of that week. We rarely crossed paths at school, except for meeting on the stairwell, so all I had to do was not have lunch with them. Abyss asked me why, and I lied to her by saying that I wanted to spend some time with the kids in my special ed class. Fortunately, she believed me.

I didn't want to avoid him for the rest of my life or anything. I just wanted some time to think about my emotions and let my mind calm down a bit. I had never liked anybody before. In fact, I'd never really come in contact with the opposite sex, with the exceptions of my brother and Yukito-san. And there was Pi, but he was just... well, _Pi_.

So, why was it so difficult for me to look at Heroin in a _normal_ kind of way?

I sighed heavily.

"Sakura, don't sigh so much," said Kaho-san, patting me on the back. "We will win this for sure!"

"Huh?" It took me awhile to realize that the woman was talking about the meeting. "Oh, right. That's today."

"What's wrong? You've been out of it lately." Touya looked at me with concern. "Are you sick? Do you want me to stay home with you?"

"No, no. I'm fine. And you _have_ to go, remember?"

"I can stay home with you," Yukito-san offered politely.

"Honestly, I'm fine!"

"If you say so." Touya sounded unconvinced.

Kaho-san looked at the time and said, "We should get going."

I walked them to the door and saw them out. Abyss turned around and said to me, "Are you sure you don't want to come? It's boring staying home all alone."

I smiled slightly. "I'll be fine. Call me with good news."

"Okay!" I was about to go back inside when she suddenly turned around again. This time saying, "By the way, if you're doing nothing, why not visit Syaoran?"

I was surprised by the question. She didn't know anything, _did she_?

"I'm sure he's busy today," I said instead.

"Oh, I wouldn't think so. He didn't look so good yesterday at school when I saw him. He seemed really sick."

"He's sick?"

She nodded. "Well, bye!"

"Who's this brat they're talking about?" I heard Touya ask Yukito-san in a low growl. I couldn't hear what Yukito-san was whispering to Touya, but my brother suddenly shouted, "Over my dead body!"

Kaho-san sighed and dragged him away. "Let's go, mother hen. You've laid the eggs, now let them hatch."

"Technically speaking, he didn't lay the eggs." Yukito-san said to Abyss, who laughed, and they followed the other two to the car.

Once they drove away, I went back inside and picked up my phone. I dialed Heroin's number and waited for someone to pick up, but no one did. I tried calling a few more times, but no one picked up still.

I grabbed my jacket out of the coat closet. "Don't tell me he's so sick that he can't answer the phone."

I locked the door before I went out. Before I knew it, I was running down the street in the direction of his neighborhood. I was still wearing the clothes I'd slept in the night before, shorts and a t-shirt. I didn't care how cold my legs were. I was just running, almost like I was running away from the cold, or away from something, or _after_ something. It seemed like I was running endlessly. The more I ran, the further away my destination seemed. My heart started pounding and frustration was welling up inside of me. After a while, I _finally_ reached the small park near his apartment complex. I decided to stop and rest for a bit; catching my breath so that I wouldn't look crazy when I went to see him.

I walked towards the building. The old man from last time greeted me warmly. "Do you remember me?" I asked him.

"Li-san's girlfriend, yes?"

I said, "Not exactly, but I see you remember me."

"How can I help you?"

"Is he home?"

"He is."

"Is his mom?" I asked carefully.

He smiled and said, "She is not."

"Can you tell me his apartment number, please?"

"Fourth floor, down the hall, last one on the right."

I bowed to him politely before leaving.

"Please wait!" I ran to the elevator and got inside just in time. I turned to the person inside the elevator and said, "Thank you."

"Which floor?"

"Fourth."

I was amazed to see the man had silver hair that flowed down to his waist. I doubted it was his natural hair color; there was no such thing as _silver_ hair. He was tall but a little shorter than Touya. With such a stern expression on his face, he looked mad enough to break a person in half. He frowned even more when he noticed me staring. I switched my gaze elsewhere, and it suddenly fell on the gun hanging by his side in its holster. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nearly ran out of the elevator when it stopped on the fourth floor.

I found Heroin's apartment and rang the doorbell repetitively like my life depended on it while glancing back at the elevator. The man was coming towards me.

"Heroin!" I started banging on the door.

The door opened. "...Flame?" Heroin rubbed his eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"T-There's a s-s-scary man behind me and I-I..."

"Are you talking about me?"

I suddenly felt chills down my spine when I heard a deep voice coming from behind me.

Heroin rolled his eyes. "_That_ guy?"

"Do you know him?" I asked.

He yawned loudly. "The scary man you're trying to run away from is Yue."

"Who are you calling scary?" the man scowled.

"S-Sorry." I was completely embarrassed. "Your gun..."

"I'm heading to work," he explained. "I always drop by on Saturday mornings to check up on _him_."

Heroin snorted. "I'm not a little kid, you know."

"If it'll keep you out of trouble, it's what I'll do."

"Yeah, yeah. You can go now."

Yue smirked. "Aren't you going to invite me in, or introduce your _friend_ to me?"

"You can go to hell." Heroin pulled me inside and slammed the door to the man's face. "Sit. What do you want to drink?"

"No, it's okay."

"What are you doing here?" he asked, sitting on the couch across from me.

I looked at him closely. "You don't..."

"I don't what?"

"...you don't look like someone who is sick."

"Who said I was sick?"

"Abyss," I said. "She said you looked really sick yesterday."

"And you came all the way here?"

"Well, I called you many times but no one picked up."

"I was sleeping."

"...oh..." And I was really, _really_ embarrassed.

He laughed. "Come on," he said while getting up. "Let's go."

"Go where?"

"I'll take you home. I don't want you to get sick in _that_." He pointed to my shorts.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"So where have you been at lunch?" he asked during the ride.

"I've been eating lunch in my classroom."

"Why?"

"No special reason."

"So, were you okay the other day? You ran off in a hurry."

Why did he have to remind me?

"Yeah..."

"You know, you really suck at lying."

"How do you even know I'm lying? How do you know I'm not telling the truth?"

He snorted. "Because if you were telling me the truth, you wouldn't be asking how I know."

"And they say drugs kill your brain cells."

"I had a lot to start with," he said with a smirk.

I laughed. "You can just park in the driveway," I told him when we got to my house.

"What if your brother comes home?"

"Then I guess it'll be your lucky day."

I invited him inside. I made hot cocoa after I'd changed into something more suitable for company. While I cooked breakfast, he sat at the kitchen table, and we talked about random things. He commented on the house, and I told him about its history, what the previous owner had told us when we bought the house anyway. After he finished eating, he offered to help with the dishes; I washed and he dried.

When we were done, we moved from the kitchen to the living room. He lay on his stomach on the futon couch while I sat on the floor across from him, by the coffee table. And we talked. He told me about how he'd met Yue-san, how the man had become his second guardian, and how he had snuck out from home to go to Yue-san's place.

"So you stayed with Yue-san a lot?" I asked.

"Until I was old enough to stay home by myself."

"Your mother didn't mind?"

"She didn't know I wasn't home half of the time."

"And what did Yue do when he caught you sneaking out?"

He scrunched his nose and said, "Spank me."

I laughed. "How I wish I can see _that_! Did you cry, Heroin?"

"You will not tell this to Abyss."

"So it's our little secret then?" I smiled slightly.

It felt _nice_... talking to him like this. I liked that feeling.

We talked for another hour or so, and then he said that he should be get going. I walked him to the door, and he thanked me for breakfast. I waited for him to get into his car before closing the door. As I stood with my back against the door, listening to his car backing out of the driveway, a lingering feeling came over me. I felt a sense of loss such as I had never known before.

"_Tch_, Sakura! What are you getting yourself at?" I said to myself. "There's no way he'll like someone like _you_."

I had shown him so many ugly sides to me.

I was going to head back into the living room when I heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. I thought Heroin had come back because he'd forgotten something. I opened the door and saw not one, but four faces.

"Sakura!" Abyss shouted with excitement.

I smiled. "Good news?"

"Can't you tell?" Kaho-san chuckled.

"That's great!" I said.

It was over... _finally over._

"We bought cake on the way home." Yukito-san beamed brightly at the box in his hands.

"I'll make tea," Kaho-san took the box away from him and went into the kitchen.

"I'll help you." Abyss followed her.

"What's wrong with Touya?" I asked Yukito-san when I noticed that Touya was still standing outside.

"He's not so happy with the results we got."

"Why not?"

"Meiling's father is only put away for two years."

"How come? I thought even if he pleads guilty in court, he'll at least get three or four years." Even I was upset, let alone my brother.

Yukito-san patted me on the back. "I know it's just not fair. They knew we would agree on a settlement because we were trying to keep Meiling off the stand."

Touya walked towards us while muttering 'there is no justice in this world' under his breath. I sighed. At least the bastard would be out of her life, right?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

Later that evening, I was getting ready for bed when a light knock came on the door. "Come in," I said.

Abyss popped her head into the room.

"You can come in. I'm still up."

She came into the room, and closed the door behind her. "So...?"

"So?"

"You know," she said, walking over to my bed.

"Know what?"

A big grin appeared on her face. "How is Heroin feeling? Is he any better?"

"Oh, yes... about that—" I grabbed a pillow and whacked her with it. "That's for tricking me!"

She giggled, taking the pillow away from me. "All in all, you fell for it. You know what that means!"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, stop denying it! He came here today, didn't he? And don't you deny it—I saw his car turning around the corner when we were coming home."

"How do you know he's not just driving by?"

"Because nothing is that coincidental."

"Okay, that's enough for today." I pulled her up and pushed her along. "Out you go."

"You know you're just in denial."

"Yeah, yeah. Goodnight!"

She stuck her tongue at me playfully.

"Oh, Meiling—" I smiled at her, pleasantly. "—welcome to the family."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

The days went by quickly. Autumn ended and winter was beginning. A little over a month had passed, and I'd been making adjustments here and there to my life ever since an additional member was added to my family. At first I wasn't used to the idea of having a third person in the family after so many years. It was awkward having a little sister all of a sudden, but I slowly got used to it. Meiling and I didn't quite have the same kind of relationship that other siblings had, but we didn't really mind.

We liked what we had with each other.

We could say that we met each other on the hotline and had known each other from there, but our lives didn't cross paths until we all met up in person on that faithful day. And since then, we were held together by a special kind of bond; a _different_ kind of bond.

"I am freezing. Where is he?" Meiling was annoyed. "How dare he make us wait? You should dump him, Sakura."

I groaned. "For the last time, he and I are not going out."

"You could've fooled me," she said under her breath.

"I can hear you, you know. Besides, his house isn't as close to the school as ours."

"I am freezing!"

Meiling and I were standing in the school parking lot waiting for Syaoran to pick us up. It was the last day of school before the winter holiday. There was a faculty meeting so both Kaho-san and Yukito-san couldn't take us home, and Touya had to work, so we had to rely on Syaoran, who had decided to skip school that day. I looked around for his car, but I only saw people looking at us weirdly.

When Meiling's surname changed from Li to Kinomoto, rumors started to spread around the school and we were the center of the school's talks. It was Yukito-san who put an end to the gossips. Just when I thought life was looking up and things were changing for the better, I was proven wrong. It was then that I realized there would always be people and things like _that_ in this world to rain down on one's parade.

It was inescapable.

"...Sakura?"

I forced up a smile. "I'm fine, don't worry. I don't care anymore."

"He's here!"

Syaoran pulled the car up in front of us, and Meiling quickly ran to the car and got into the backseat. As I walked to the car, I could hear the two of them bickering with each other. I sighed exasperatedly.

"You're late!"

"Blame the weather."

"Maybe you should have thought of the weather and left your house earlier."

"And maybe you should have _walked_ home instead."

I turned on the radio and leaned back into my seat, tuning them out for the rest of the ride home.

Syaoran pulled into the driveway and Meiling got out first, apparently upset because she'd lost their little battle. I turned to ask Syaoran, "Can't you let her win at least once?"

"I'll never hear the end of it if she _does_ win."

I laughed. "Thanks for the ride. By the way, are you doing anything tomorrow evening?"

"No."

"Would you like to come over for dinner?" I quickly added, "We're having a Christmas Eve dinner, and Kaho-san and Yukito-san are coming as well. You can ask Yue-san to come if you would like."

"What time should we come over?"

"Around seven, maybe?"

"And how should I dress to meet your brother?"

I giggled. "Yue-san will tell you. See you tomorrow."

I got out and headed into the house.

Meiling was standing in the hallway. "Did you ask him?"

I nodded.

"This will be a very interesting dinner," she said with a giggle.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I decided to tell Touya about Syaoran an hour before the dinner started. He took it better than I'd thought.

"If he has any kind of piercing—tongue, ear, lip, eyebrow, nose, navel, nipple—I will rip them off, and then throw him out. If he has any tattoo, I will skin him. If he comes within five feet of you, I will _kill_ him."

"Does he have any of those things?" Meiling whispered to me.

"I wouldn't know," I said, in the middle of slicing cucumbers for the salad. "There's nothing on his face though."

"Let's hope they're not elsewhere either."

We laughed at the thought.

"Sakura, be careful with the knife," Touya said. "Meiling, when you're done with the table, wash the tomatoes. We don't have dressing for the salad, so I'm going to run to the store real quick. If the timer goes off, turn off the oven and you can leave everything in it. If the guests come early, just sit them in the living room."

"Okay."

I jumped when the phone rang all of a sudden, dropping the knife to the ground. I stared at how close the knife had come to my foot.

"Are you okay, Sakura?" Meiling asked.

"Yeah..." I picked up the knife and placed it on the counter. Then I went to answer the phone. "Hello?"

"Sakura, is Touya there?" Yukito-san was on the other line.

"Yes, but he's going to the store to get something."

"Listen to me, Sakura—tell him to stay home."

"What's wrong...? You sound nervous."

"I'll explain later, but right now tell Touya not to leave the house."

"Okay." I ran out of the kitchen, hoping to catch my brother before he left. "Touya, Yukito-san called and said not to—"

I froze. The phone slipped out of my hand and fell to the ground.

"TOUYAAA!"

* * *

«—To be continued—»

.x.

Word Count: 4,857


	8. tears

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

「T ◦ E ◦ A ◦ R ◦ S」

(..._in the future/present_...)

"NOOOO!"

I wake up screaming and kicking at the white sheet covering me, and if not for a pair of arms around me, holding me tightly, I'd probably do myself some damage. There's a moment or two of abject terror as my mind remains a total blank to me. I blow a strand of fallen hair out of my face, closing my eyes momentarily, as everything starts to come back to me slowly. I run a hand through my hair and stare at the ceiling, lost in my thoughts of nothingness, trying to forget all of it. But it isn't possible.

It's impossible to forget _that_ feeling.

After all, I can close my eyes from the things that I don't want to see, but I can't shield my heart from things that I don't want to feel. I glance around the room again, and, for the first time in a long while, feel the key word to the description to be _empty_. Though the room is pitch black, I can see the white walls surrounding me very clearly, enclosing me, trapping me...like they are mocking me.

I listen silently to the pitter patter of the rain falling down on the roof. The rain grows harder with every passing moment, and I can hear the wind howling ominously. I turn to look at the sleeping figure beside me, and smile.

Just as I reach out to touch his face, wanting to make sure it's not all just surreal, he stirs awake and looks over at me. "Sakura, what's wrong?" he asks, taking my hand in his. "Is it another nightmare?"

I can only keep my head down, not knowing what or how to answer him. What am I to say? What can I say without having to worry him?

How can I tell him that I feel lonely, very lonely even with him lying there beside me? I don't understand this loneliness.

"Every time I close my eyes, I see blood everywhere..." I say, wrapping my arms around my knee and pulling it as close to me as possible. "My hands...they were tainted in blood. I hear your cry, you were screaming out to me. And then—"

He draws closer to me. "Then what?"

I turn to face him, staring into his eyes. "You were gone."

"But I'm right here with you. See, Sakura? You can touch me..." He gently holds my hand; his voice so soft, almost like a whisper. "I'm right here."

"Yes, yes you are."

He is here with me. Just a dream…

Yes, it was just a dream.

"Sakura?" a startled voice says. Yukito stands in the doorway, shock and confusion written on his face. "..._who are you talking to_?"

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"We need to get her away from this place, Yukito."

I press my ear up to the door with curiosity when I hear Kaho-san's voice. Why is she here? It's been over a year since the last time I've seen her.

"Kaho, I know what you are saying and it pains me to see her in _this_ place as well, but she needs to be here," Yukito replies. "Two weeks ago, I was coming to visit her and I heard her talking to someone. I thought she was talking to one of the nurses, but there was nobody in the room with her when I opened the door. When I asked who she was talking to, she smiled and said _his_ name."

"The more we need to get her away from this place, as far away as possible!" cries Kaho-san. "Let me take her with me, Yukito. At least in America, she will have Meiling and me. In this place, all she has are painful memories of the past."

"I'll talk to her doctor and see what he thinks. Maybe taking her far away from this place will help her forget about him."

"No..." I say to myself. "I don't want to go!"

Yukito and Kaho-san rush into the room after hearing my cry. I look at them, pleadingly.

"Please… Don't take away the one thing I have left."

Kaho-san looks at me with sympathetic eyes. "Sakura..." She gently wraps her arms around me. She strokes my hair and says, soothingly, "You need to let go of the past, because he is never coming back... Syaoran is gone, Sakura."

"No, he's still here with me. He has always been with me... always."

Yukito places a hand on my shoulder and says, "He passed away two years ago, Sakura."

I refuse to look into their eyes, afraid that what they're saying might be true. I don't want it to be true. Somewhere deep down inside of me, I know that I'm only lying to myself...but, _please_, let me live in this world of lies that I've created. At least in this world, I don't know of pain or loss. And in this world, _he_ is still here with me.

'_Kinomoto Sakura, I will love you for as long as I live. Will you marry me?_'

I look down at the ring on my finger—set not with diamonds, but rubies. His birthstone. Tears begin to fall down my face and I feel so alone just thinking about not having him beside me. The sight before me begins to blur as an image of his face faintly appears in my mind.

"It hurts..." I cry.

"I know it hurts, Sakura," Kaho-san says. "That's why you must forget."

But how is it possible? How can you forget something that has always been a part of you? Essentially, that means forgetting about one's self; but if I forget myself, I will no longer be me…

_So, who will I become_?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(..._the past_...)

"TOUYAAA!" I screamed.

Oh, Kami-sama, no...

"NOOOOOO!"

Touya fell back against the wall, holding where he was stabbed to try and stop the bleeding. He tried to get up again, but failed.

"Sakura, what is wrong? Why are you screa—?"

"You think you got rid of me?" The man laughed maniacally. "I'll show you."

Meiling was frozen to the spot seeing the man standing before her.

"Sakura!" Touya screamed out to me.

"SHUT UP!"

I watched as my brother was kicked in the stomach and sent sprawling over the floor. He was then kicked repetitively in the face with a full foot, two or three times.

"Stop! STOP IT!" Meiling cried out when Touya started to bleed more. But the attacker didn't stop. He continued to attack Touya until the pain was so unbearable, he couldn't even lift a finger.

Meiling's father laughed, seeing my brother's limp body. "What a fool."

"YOU MONSTER!" Meiling was about to hurl herself at him, but I quickly held her back and pulled her with me. We hurried upstairs to hide in my room. I locked the door and propped a chair under the knob before walking over to the shivering girl. I hit her across the face to get her to snap out of it.

"Meiling, I want you to listen to me, and I want you to listen very closely," I said. "I need you to be with me. We have to get out of here!"

"H-How?"

"There is a small bush just outside. Since we're not that far off the ground, we can make it," I said as I walked over to the window. Hands shaking, I fumbled with the window latch.

Meiling whimpered as we both heard footsteps coming up the stairs. "Sakura, he's coming."

I jerked on the latch with all my strength. "Please, please..." I muttered. The footsteps got the louder, and we knew he was getting closer.

And then, with a click that seemed much too loud, the latch gave way and the window slid open. At the same time, there came a bang on the other side, like someone was trying to break down the door.

"Meiling, hurry!" I called out to the girl. "As soon as you've landed, I want you to run to the neighbors for help."

"B-But, Sakura—"

"There isn't much time, we have to go now!" I said as I pushed her along. "Be careful and watch your steps."

Meiling climbed through the window so that she was squatting on the ledge, only braced by her hands on the windowsill. She looked at the small bush below her and then at me. I gave her a small assured smile but I, too, didn't know whether the bush could break her fall as we both hoped. She took in a deep breath and jumped. I stuck my head out the window to see if she was okay, and was relieved to see that she'd landed safely.

"Go!" I quietly shouted to her when she looked up at me.

She seemed to have hesitated for a second before running off in the opposite direction toward our neighbor's house. Once she was in our neighbor's yard, I lowered myself and swung one leg over the windowsill, preparing for my own jump, hoping for just as much luck as she'd had. Just as I was bringing my other leg over, the door bolted open and there stood Meiling's father with a murderous look in his eyes.

I felt my body stiffen.

"You can't escape me," he said as he walked toward me; the knife still in his hand.

"Touya!" I shouted out in surprise when I saw Touya staggering into the room and throwing himself on top of the other man, holding him down on the floor. Meiling's father tried to throw Touya off by kicking and punching him.

"Go, Sakura!" Touya managed to breathe out as he held on to Meiling's father. "GO NOW!"

"You meddling son of a—!"

I couldn't breathe.

The man stabbed him once, twice, and three, then five times; all the while laughing maniacally. Blood was everywhere, covering everything in sight like a huge, crimson blanket. What was once beige carpet was now a crimson color on which my brother's still body laid.

"...T-Touya..." My grip on the windowsill tightened, and I felt my stomach churning.

A gunshot came out of nowhere followed by a thud. I looked down and saw Meiling's father on the floor, his blood slowly mixing with that of my brother's. Yue-san was standing in the hallway, out of breath and a gun in his hand. He walked towards me and held out his hand, helping me back into the room. He then said, "Nothing I say will make the situation any better... but I'm really sorry."

I didn't respond.

I could only stare at Touya's lifeless body as his eyes gazed back at me, like his last words to me were 'Run, Sakura, run.'

"ONII-CHAAAAAN!"

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"_I don't want to go! You can't make me go!" I was wailing and clinging onto my brother on my first day of preschool._

"_Kaijuu, don't be such a baby."_

"_Onii-chaaan!" I continued to whine._

"_You have to go to preschool, and I have to go to school," he explained calmly._

"_Why can't I go with you?"_

_Touya laughed and ruffled my hair. "Because no kaijuu is allowed at my school."_

_I stuck my tongue out at him. "I'm no kaijuu!"_

"_Then be a good little girl and go inside." He pointed to where the teacher was waiting for me. "You will have fun."_

"_Really?"_

_He smiled and said, "I promise. As long as Onii-chan is here, I will make sure you're always happy."_

x X x

"_I don't want you to go! You can't go!" I cried._

_Touya sighed exasperatedly as he easily removed his leg from my grasp. "Kaijuu, I cannot NOT go to college."_

"_Sakura, be reasonable!" my mother scolded at me._

"_I'll talk to her, Okaa-san," Touya said to her. "Kaijuu—"_

_I turned my head away from him. "Hmph! You don't love me!"_

"_Of course, I do. You will always be my little kaijuu. You know that, right?" He scooped me up in his arms and gave me the biggest hug while twirling me round and round._

"_I don't want to be a kaijuu!" I pouted, and he laughed._

"_But that's what you are—a little kaijuu." He pinched my cheeks lightly. "Someone I will protect with my life."_

Rays of sunlight passed through the window and shone on my face. My eyelashes fluttered as I woke up, my head throbbing in pain. And I wished I hadn't woken up. I wished that I was still in a deep slumber, so that I wouldn't have had to deal with reality and its nightmares. I looked around the room and knew, almost immediately, that I was in the hospital. I looked over to the door with hopeful eyes that any minute now, my brother would come through that door and run over to embrace me, like the other time in the past. He would then say to me: '_It's fine now... Let's go home._'

_Home_.

Home sounded really nice at that minute; but it felt broken somehow.

The door creaked open slowly and Meiling poked her head into the room. I couldn't quite describe how I felt when I saw her face; a lot of things went through my mind. One feeling I could recognize in particular was that it was real... that **_it_** actually happened... that my brother was gone, forever... and that I was alone again.

_Touya._

"Sakura..." She approached me slowly. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were wet with tears. She was obviously distraught. She looked at me and kept shaking her head and repeating, "...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's because of me that...that..."

Her lips quivered with each word as she spoke.

I looked away from her and said, "Close the blinds."

"S-Sakura?"

"Please close the blinds," I said again and rolled over on my side, facing the window. Meiling went to close the blinds, and the room became dimmer. She stood there, tears still falling down her face and her lips still trembling. "I would like to be alone."

"...I'm sorry..." she said before leaving.

The door closed with a click. Then everything was dead quiet. I was left alone with my thoughts, my emotions, and the bitter taste of silence. I pondered on Meiling's earlier words: '_It's because of me..._'

..._it's because of me_...

It was because of me.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I gazed at myself through the mirror; frozen in shock, in sadness, and in mourning.

I was dressed in a slim black dress that came to my knees and my hair was put up and wrapped in lavish waves of auburn curls. My lips were tinted blue from natural coldness. I was ready to go to something I never thought I would ever go to: my brother's funeral. My legs subconsciously carried me out of the house, and waiting outside in the driveway was Yukito-san with Kaho-san and Meiling already seated in the back of the car. Yukito-san apologized for my loss, but I didn't respond as I went to the passenger side.

I looked into the rear view mirror and found Kaho-san's eyes looking at me with sorrow, but I turned my head away and stared outside the window. I felt the car shift backward and reverse out of the driveway. As the car got faster, blurry images began to form of evergreen trees, light green grass, and buildings of boring brown and red. It wasn't long before my memory turned its attention to that dreadful night. It had been approximately two weeks since then, and all of us were still very much affected.

We arrived at the cemetery, and though the grass was a lively color of green, I felt like I was walking on something that was dead and cold. I knew that it was because there was a rotting body underneath my feet. I winced at the thought of Touya being underneath that ground. Never seeing his face and never hearing his voice again. I forced away the tears that wanted to climb down out of my eyes, and finally they stopped coming. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry.

I saw the satin black temple appear in distance and saw people walking towards it. It was built to hold wind and rain, but I was certain that something bad was going to happen. A little drop of rain plummeted on my hair and for sure I knew it was going to rain eventually.

"I think it's going to rain," said Yukito-san. "Let's hurry."

And we made it to the temple just in time before the rain started pouring down. We slowly made our made way down the aisle, passing all of the guests who turned to me and gave their sincerest apologies. I merely nodded my head at them, not lifting my eyes to look at anyone. We walked to the front, where Syaoran was already seated.

I sat down beside him and looked in front of me to see Touya's coffin a few feet away. It was open which made it harder to look at him. I saw him lying flat on his back with his eyes and lips shut closed. He was wearing a dark black tuxedo, and pictures of him were placed in frames which sat still in the bouquet of carnations and flowers. I saw the minister upon the altar. He wore a black robe with half-moon glasses on the tip of his nose. His hair was graying and a thick beard rested on his limp chest. I saw him give a cough, but then he passed it off and got out his Bible. The minister opened his Bible and we all steered our eyes away from the basket case to him.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Kinomoto Touya. He will always remain in each of us; never leaving us in fear, never leaving us in lost hope, always staying in us through the toughest of times, even at this moment. We all loved him as a brother, a best friend, a colleague, and someone in our acquaintance. He shall fly to the heavens where angels greet him with open arms and songs of love and peace. He will never be forgotten for we will not forget the memories we cherished—the laughter, the tears, or the smiles..." the preacher continued to speak these words to us, and time passed by quickly.

I diverted my gaze away from the preacher and looked down at my hands. Syaoran suddenly put his hand on top of mine, giving it a light squeeze. "It's okay to cry," he whispered into my ear.

I closed my eyes, and tears trickled out of my eyes and dropped on my lip and onto my black dress. I, then, heard the slow unfortunate music begin to play and opened my eyes, realizing that the ceremony was over before I knew it. Now it was time for me to see my brother being lowered into the ground, and it killed me to even think of that.

Four men picked up his casket and walked to the open cemetery, and everyone started to rise from their seats. I started to breathe heavily. "Sakura, what's wrong?" Kaho-san came towards me, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. She noticed my abnormal breathing. "Take a deep breath, Sakura."

I had to get out of there.

I just had to.

I stepped away from her and pushed my way through the crowd of people surrounding me to see if I was okay; first walking fast, then gaining speed. I took off down the aisle having my feet race as fast as possible.

"Sakura!" they called out my name. But I ignored them and kept on running.

I was running away from accepting the fact that my brother was now gone forever, and I just ran into oblivion as tears flowed down my face while the rain poured down my body. I couldn't tell my tears apart from the rain.

"Sakura!" I heard Syaoran calling out behind me. I felt myself suddenly being jerked backward, and the next thing I knew, I was being held tightly in his arms. "Don't, Sakura...don't run away."

"I can't do it, Syaoran—" I let myself cried on his shoulder. "—I thought I could, but I can't."

He tightened his arms around me and said, "I'm sorry. I should have been there sooner."

"I've wronged him greatly when he was alive. To think that I'd thought of suicide—I was selfish enough to think of leaving him alone so that I can find my own peace. Is this the price that I have to pay?"

"No, Sakura..." he breathed out quietly, "...selfishness is only human nature. It's not your fault. Your brother died protecting you. That was a decision he chose to make himself, there was nothing you could've done."

"I always took him for granted, because I knew that no matter what he would always be there with me. He had always been. But now that he's gone—"

Now that he was gone...

My very first reaction to death had showed itself as shock, numbness, and even disbelief.

This feeling of shock acted as a blanket to numb the raw wounds. This view into death made me vitally aware of my own mortality. Tears had expressed what words could not.

Tears were the water release that had carried me through the darkest part of mourning. Tears had expressed my fear, anguish, desolation, and utter frustration. Tears were my first step out of the numbness of denial. Beyond that denial was the pain: the pain of loss, the pain of death, the pain of loneliness, and the pain of complete separation.

"...you still have me," he said.

It was because of those words that I still believed.

And it was because of those words that I didn't give up.

For my dead brother.

For my remaining loved ones.

…for myself...

_And for him_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(..._1 year and 3 months later_...)

Despite all of the things that had happened, we made it: Syaoran, Meiling, and I made it through. On New Year's Eve of _that_ year, we'd met at the cabin, but it wasn't to carry out the compact. Instead, we made a new compact with each other.

"_No matter what happens," said Syaoran._

_I looked at Meiling and then him. "We will always have each other."_

"_And we will never give up on each other—" Meiling smiled, "—or ourselves."_

Meiling and I had been living with Kaho-san since. We had to sell the house because neither of us could truly rid ourselves of the terrible memories from that night. Though I was able to accept Touya's death, I couldn't completely move on with my life just yet. Kaho-san said that it was natural, that it took time to mourn, and that Rome wasn't exactly built in a day.

But how many days was it actually built in? I didn't know when I would be able to move on with my life, but I did know that I didn't want to lose another person close to me. Not anymore.

Over a year passed and a lot of things had changed. Syaoran and I made it through high school and it was our graduation day. He and I were officially "adults." To be exact, we were one step closer to being an adult.

"I can't believe it is over," he said to me with a chuckle as we stood on the school ground after the ceremony was over.

"What are you planning to do after high school?" I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders slightly before pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. "I was offered a job, so I might take the offer."

I snatched the pack away from him. "What kind of job?"

He snatched it back from me and said, "I can take care of myself."

I rolled my eyes. "Are you referring to the job, or _this_—" I grabbed the pack and threw it onto the ground, crushing it with the sole of my shoe.

"You didn't have to do that. Cigarettes aren't cheap you know."

"That's why you should stop smoking. Just because you have a job, that doesn't mean you should spend your money leisurely. Do you know how much you can save each week if you stop smoking, or just reduce the amount that you smoke?"

He smirked. "You sound like a nagging wife."

"I refuse to retort to such a remark."

He laughed.

"Syaoran! Sakura! Congratulations!" Meiling ran towards us. Walking slowly behind her were Yukito-san and Kaho-san, who held two bouquets of flowers with her.

"You two looked absolutely great up there." Kaho-san handed each of us a bouquet. Syaoran looked at his bouquet with a disgusted look on his face. "Now, Syaoran, is that any way to say thank you?"

"Really now, Kaho-san—_roses_?" he said to her. "Whatever made you think I _like_ roses?"

"You could've smiled a little more when you got your diploma," said Yukito-san before adding, "And I'd like to compare Sakura-chan to a rose."

Meiling and Kaho-san exchanged giggles while Syaoran rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. So it was up to me to answer the other man. "I feel very flattered that you think of me as a rose, Yukito-san, but roses wilt easily. Are you saying my beauty is only temporary?"

Yukito-san smiled. "Of course that wasn't what I was implying."

"What _were_ you implying?" I said with a small grin, as if I was daring the man to say it.

He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Kaho-san. "Let's not embarrass Syaoran, Yukito. It's the third biggest day of his life."

"What's the first and second biggest day of his life?" Meiling asked with curiosity.

Kaho-san smiled cunningly. "Well, you see..." And she whispered something into the girl's ear, who responded with a small giggle while looking at Syaoran and me.

"What are you telling her?" I asked, although I wasn't sure I really wanted to know.

"Nothing," they said at the same time.

"You told me not to embarrass him, but you two are worse than me." Yukito dragged the two away with him. "Let's go. We're going to be late for our reservation at the restaurant."

I shook my head and tried to hold down the urge to laugh. If it weren't for them, I probably wouldn't have been able to accept Touya's death as easily as I did.

"Let's go," I turned and said to Syaoran.

He suddenly grabbed onto my wrist.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "What is it?"

"Hold out your hand."

I didn't know why he was telling me to hold out my hand, but I did it anyway. He placed a small button into the palm of my hand. I just kind of stared at it before staring up at him, confused.

"Syaoran," I said; not sure how to word my thoughts. "I don't know how to sew a button back on… why don't you ask Kaho-san?"

He stared at me with an open mouth for a minute before screaming out, "BAKA!"

He then stormed off after the others.

"What?" I ran after him. "I'm an idiot for not knowing how to sew a button back on?"

* * *

«—discontinued in 2008—»

.x.

Word Count: 4,600


	9. finale

**09.10.12**—Here is the wrap-up chapter for this story. And being a "wrap-up" chapter, I **strongly** advise you not to expect much, details-wise and the in-betweens (if it's not there, just assume lols)—think of it like a "fast-forwarded" version. I apologize beforehand for the atrocious grammatical errors that you _will_ find. I tried going back and reading over the whole thing, but I kinda gave up a quarter of the way. Thankfully, I have a totally awesome beta-reader ^_^. But till I update the edited version, you'll just have to work with this… C:

**NOTE**: This chapter switches between "the future" and "the past" quite a few times. The future _is_ presented ambiguously in chronological order. In addition, I know nothing on Japan's laws/customs/whatnots, so everything is US based except for the academic calendar.

* * *

ღ†O N · _the_ · **E D G E**†ღ  
by: **ÆSHÅ**

«—the rest of the story—»

Word Count: approx. 29, 000

.x.

_**The funny thing about love is that I was so scared of it, but strangely enough it was the one thing that I wanted most in the world. And when I finally had it within reaching distance, I just didn't know what to do with it.**_

_**I panicked.**_

_**And so I pulled away. Not because I didn't care, but because I cared too much.**_

_**I was too afraid to love.**_

I closed the book just as the bedroom door slowly creaked open. I looked up and, unbeknownst to me, a smile had started to spread across my face at the sight of Syaoran in the doorway. There was just something so familiar with the picture. It was just perfect. He'd told—well, _tried_ to tell me he'd liked me after our graduation; Kaho-san had to explain the whole button thing to me. We, as Meiling put it, became an item afterward. When summer was over, I started community college and he found work at an auto repair shop, often picking up whatever extra work he could outside of that job as well.

"Hey," I said.

He grinned. "Hey."

I moved over on the bed and he climbed in beside me. I watched him from across the pillow and sighed, the odor of oil and musky scent wafting up to my nostrils.

Even though we'd been together for half a year already, the whole idea behind _dating_ was still fairly foreign to me. I was almost certain I didn't know _how_ to be his girlfriend, and since Meiling was also no expert in the matter, I started to seek help from romance novels.

"I didn't have time to go home and shower," he quietly said, his eyes slowly drooping. Syaoran still didn't talk about his mother much, if hardly at all. I could only wait very patiently and hope for the day when he would be ready to tell me everything.

"I'm sorry…"

He looked at me with one eye open and asked, "Sorry for what?"

_I'm sorry for being so useless_.

"It's nothing."

"I know you better than that."

"I don't know how to put it. It's just… I feel like you always try to be everything that you can be, in every possible way, for my sake, for everyone else's sake, except for your own. You once told me it is human nature to be selfish, but I'm starting to think it's not in your nature, huh?"

He leaned over and touched his forehead to mine. "You have no idea how selfish you make me want to be. You make me want to run far, far away…to forget everything and everyone else in this world so that it's just you and me. You make me want to lock you up and chain you to me. You make me want to hurt you."

"H-Hoe?"

He fell back against the pillow and ran a hand through chocolate brown hair. "You make me want to love you," he said, almost a whisper.

I wanted to ask if it was really that difficult—love, that is.

"Is love so bad?" I found myself asking; my eyes gazing at the book I was still holding in my hand.

He slid a hand behind my neck and pulled me close as his other arm wrapped around my waist, pressing our bodies together.

"I didn't mean that love," he breathed into my ear. My heart pounded so hard there was no way he couldn't have heard it. The touch of his kiss burned into my skin. A gasp escaped my lips, and he chuckled. "Go to sleep. I have to go now."

"Are you going home?"

"I picked up a second job," he answered, sitting up on the edge of the bed.

"At this hour? It's—" I looked at the time, "—ten. What kind of job is it?"

"Just work. I'll call you during lunch. I can't leave if you keep frowning, Sakura."

"Well, you make me worry, Syaoran."

"I can take care of myself. I'm made of tougher stuff than you think." He leaned down to kiss my forehead. "I'll just let myself out."

"Don't work too hard and make sure you get some rest."

He waved back as he left and closed the door behind him.

I heard Kaho-san's voice in the hallway. "Oh, you're leaving already? I have some food in the kitchen, take it with you."

"Thanks, Kaho-san. Later, Meiling!"

"Bye!" Meiling shouted from her room. Seconds later the younger girl was emerging from the bathroom that she and I shared, grinning from chin to chin. "So…?"

"So what?"

"So why did he leave so early?"

"Oh. He has a second job to go to."

She yawned and climbed into my bed. "Ugh!" She instantly scrunched her nose and jumped off the bed. "He always leaves behind that repugnant smell! I swear I think he does it on purpose so I don't sleep in your bed."

I laughed. "Really? I kind of like the smell…"

"You're weird, Sakura. I think females are just weird in general. I dropped by the garage on my way home from school the other day and there were these girls standing there looking at him with googly eyes." She continued, "So naturally I shouted 'Brother-in-law!', and they all scrammed at the speed of light."

I nearly choked from surprise. "Meiling, you did not!"

She merely shrugged. "I might as well get used to the idea of Syaoran being such."

"You are awful!" I tossed a pillow at her. "When did you become so cheeky?"

"Not cheeky, just stating the obvious." She sat down on the floor. "So have the books helped you at all?"

I shook my head. "Not really. I still don't know what _love_ is."

It didn't explain in any of the books I'd read how one might know if one was _in_ love. In all the books, the main character was already _head over heels_ before he or she even knew what hit them. Every author completely glossed over the process of _falling_ in love—did they just assume every person on the planet would know the meaning of _love_? What about the people who had never fallen in love before? People like me… people who lack the ability to _feel_ it from the bottom of the heart and just _know_ that the feeling is love.

"Maybe I'm just not meant to understand love." Meiling looked at me with concern, and I smiled to let her know I was okay. "So how is school? Do the other students still bully you?"

Despite how nauseating she found the odor Syaoran had left behind, the girl still climbed into my bed and cuddled up beside me. Laying her head on my shoulder, she answered, "Not really. Now that the school counselor is my guardian, the worst they've done is leaving hateful notes on my desk and locker. The rumor around school that Kaho-san and Yukito-san are dating also plays in my favor."

I was surprised to hear that, so I wanted to confirm. "_Are_ they dating?"

"I was going to ask you what their deal is. Why aren't they together?"

"I guess now is just as good as any other time to tell you," I spoke softly enough so Kaho-san wouldn't happen to overhear our conversation. "Kaho-san loved Touya—I think she still does actually."

Meiling gasped. "What? No! I thought you said she introduced Touya to his fiancé. Did Touya know?"

"Nakuru and Kaho-san were best friends. Everyone except for Touya knew—if he did, then he hid it very well," I replied. "I think Yukito-san sticks around because he doesn't want Kaho-san to be lonely."

The other girl yawned again, snuggling closer to me, and said, "I don't want to love a man ever."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_in the future/present_…)

"Sakura, this is Ken. We're engaged." The black-haired girl I used to know has grown into such a beautiful woman.

She is what, thirty-three now? Has it really been seventeen years since we've met? Syaoran passed away almost twelve years ago, but it feels like just yesterday that I saw his lifeless body before my eyes.

"I am honored to finally meet you," says the Japanese-American with a charming smile on his face. "Meiling has told me so much about you. It would mean the world to us—_to me_—if you'll be there at the wedding to give her away, Nee-san."

Meiling has told me a lot about him as well. From their first meeting at the daycare where she works, to his four years of unsuccessful courtship, and finally her submission to a first date after I've kindly pointed out to her that the man would probably resort to kidnapping other people's children once he runs out of nieces and nephews to use as an excuse to come to the daycare. And now, almost six years later, she's taking a huge step in her life.

"Move to America and live with us, Sakura." Meiling goes on to describe the newly built house they have bought in great details, excitement clearly shown in both her voice and facial expression. I've never seen her so happy. I turn to give Ken a warm smile. I know he is the reason for this new side to Meiling, someone who has always been so skeptical towards love and men, someone who used to follow her head and not her heart, someone who once believed that when something good happens, something bad will undoubtedly follow, therefore it is better to not wish for good things at all. "I've prepared a room especially for you! I know how you like to read, so we picked a house with the most gorgeous backyard—there's this cute little gazebo sitting alongside the loveliest pond ever. Oh, please say you'll come live with us, Sakura!"

"Trust me, you don't want to live with Yukito and Kaho," Ken adds with a chuckle.

"I'll come to the wedding," I start to say slowly, "but I can't stay with you. I have to wait for him."

Meiling looks almost heartbroken. She sits down next to me on the couch and takes my frail hand in her steady one. "He isn't coming back, Sakura. Syaoran isn't coming back."

I give her hand a light squeeze. "I know he isn't coming back, Meiling. I've accepted his death years ago."

"Then what are you waiting for, Sakura?" she asks. "Why must you torture yourself by staying in this place?"

"I'm waiting for Yue-san," I answer. "I owe it to Syaoran to wait for him. So I can't leave this place yet."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_back to the past_…)

"….spend the remaining class time reading your partner's paper and writing at least a page worth of constructive feedback," the teacher directed. "The questions on the handout should help you write your feedback. Now pair up with someone and exchange papers."

Everyone started moving around once the teacher was done talking. I sat in my seat and waited as usual for someone to be left with no one else to be their partner so we would have to work with each other. It seemed easier that way than getting up and asking someone to be my partner at the risk of being rejected if they wanted to work with someone else.

"Kinomoto, right?" I turned to the source of the voice. The boy sitting to my right smiled. "My name is Yamazaki Hisashi—nice to meet you. Would you like to be partners?"

Before I could even give him an answer, he'd already leaned over to snatch my paper from my desk and switch it with his own. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he said, "This is how you ask someone to be your partner. I thought I should let you know."

I frowned. "Yamazaki-san, are you mocking me?"

He flashed me another smile. "I'm befriending you, Kinomoto Sakura."

I decided then and there that Yamazaki Hisashi was a weird one and I needed to stay away from him. Since then, he always sat next to me in class and he would scream out my name loudly every time we happened to cross paths with each other on campus. And whenever we had 'partner' assignments in class, he would insist on being my partner. I found myself getting up and asking other people to be my partner in order to get away from him. I didn't know whether to call him audacious or just plain pushy. Whatever it was, I hadn't minded so much till he started to bother me during lunch, a time I spent talking to Syaoran on the phone. I wasn't able to talk to Syaoran during lunch for weeks because Yamazaki Hisashi kept bothering me by dragging a bunch of his friends along and inviting themselves to join me, wherever I may be hiding. Unlike him, his friends were nice and considerate enough to just let me be. Yamazaki, on the other hand, always had to drag me into a conversation or make me the center of attention.

"Don't mind Hisashi," Mihara Chiharu, one of the two girls present, said when I asked Yamazaki why he wouldn't leave me alone. I had been sitting under a tree in a very secluded part of campus yet he was able to track me down so easily. "The Yamazaki brothers are notorious for their meddling ways."

"That is not true!" Yamazaki protested.

His twin brother—Yamazaki Takashi—added, "And it's not meddling—it's our special way of being helpful."

"Don't fool yourselves. You boys cause more trouble than help." A girl with short brown hair and glasses walked up to our spot. "I've looked all over campus for you guys for the past few weeks! Where have you been? This is a community college, how many places can you hide in?"

Takashi-kun grinned. "Sakura-chan knows some pretty nifty places. We've been following her the last three weeks and we've yet to be in the same spot twice."

The new girl suddenly glared at me as she forcefully placed herself between Yamazaki and Takashi-kun. She clung onto Yamazaki's arm and stuck her tongue out at me.

The other girl in the group, Sasaki Rika, rolled her eyes and said to me, "_That_ over there is Yanagisawa Naoko. She is Hisashi's stalker."

Aforementioned girl adjusted her glasses, sending a supercilious smile in my direction. "For your information, Hisashi and I are dating."

Chiharu snorted and mumbled low enough for me to hear only, "In her dreams."

"Are you seeing anyone?" Naoko asked me.

"Nao!" Chiharu shrieked.

"What?" Said girl pouted. "I'm just curious. I didn't mean to be rude."

"Well, whether she is seeing anyone or not, it doesn't concern you," Yamazaki stated matter-of-factly.

"But it might concern you!"

Yamazaki actually looked appalled by her bluntness.

"I am seeing someone actually," I told them; putting an end to the squabbling. I turned to address Yamazaki, "That's why I asked you leave me alone during lunch—you always dictated the conversation and never let me finish what I was going to say. I'm usually on the phone with my boyfriend during lunch, but because you've been bothering me the last few weeks, I haven't been able to talk to him at all. I already don't see him as much, so those half-an-hour phone calls really matter to me. I don't care if you bother me any other time, but please leave me alone during lunch."

Everyone was speechless for a minute.

"I don't mean to be offensive towards any of you," I said to the others.

Chiharu was the first to speak, "Oh no, we understand you completely! If Hisashi had told us, we wouldn't have bothered you so much, and we only did it because we like you."

"You poor girl!" Naoko's attitude towards me did a complete one-eighty-degree.

"It was so fun chasing after you, we didn't take into account how you would feel. Sorry, Sakura-chan," said Takashi-kun, reaching over Naoko and punching his twin on the side.

Yamazaki howled and finally grumbled, "Sorry."

Rika smiled sweetly. "We'll make sure Hisashi keep his meddling to a minimum from now on."

"Yeah! You can totally walk away and talk to your boyfriend," said Chiharu. "We'll just sit here and chill. Don't worry about us."

I didn't know how to tell them they'd misunderstood me completely.

Being with Yamazaki and his friends reminded me of the days when there were still five of us—when Flame, Heroin, Abyss, Raven and Pi still existed.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

One Saturday morning, Syaoran and I were hanging out in my room when I received a phone call from an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Sakura-chan!" a voice exclaimed on the other line. "It's Chiharu!"

"How did you get my number?"

"We found it in the student directory," she replied. "You never gave us your number—you're so mean, Sakura-chan!"

I must've looked utterly annoyed because Syaoran looked at me with concern and asked, "Who is it?"

I brought the phone away from my ear and mouthed, "Chiharu."

"Is Syaoran there?!" The girl had to be screaming into the phone if we were able to hear her loud and clear with the phone nowhere near our ears. "He doesn't have work today? Let me speak with him!"

I reluctantly handed the phone over to Syaoran. I watched with curiosity as he pressed the phone to his ear and listened to whatever the other girl had to say, offering only one syllable replies every now and then. Even after saying they would leave me alone during lunch, Yamazaki and his friends didn't leave me alone. For the most part, they let me have my phone calls with Syaoran, but there were always interruptions. They talked to Syaoran during lunch more than I did—whether it was Yamazaki and Takashi-kun asking Syaoran about cars or the girls teasing him, the phone was always snatched from my hand.

"So," he said, handing me the phone after hanging up, "they're at the amusement park waiting for us."

Syaoran laughed when I told him that I actually missed those days when people had ignored or left me alone.

"Do you want to go?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Didn't really like it when I went. Probably had something to do with the fact that I went with Yue…and I was fifteen."

I couldn't help but giggle.

Before I had the chance to ask him to tell me the whole story, he elaborated, "I was put on probation for shoplifting, and it just happened that Yue was assigned as my probation officer. Yue has a theory that I only do bad things when I'm bothered or upset. So he took me to the amusement park."

"Yue-san cares a lot about you. I think he was lonely, living in that apartment all by himself, till you came along." I hoped to use the opportunity to get Syaoran to talk a little more about himself.

He changed the subject however. "What about you? Have you been to an amusement park?"

"When I was little… Touya used to take me," I trailed off. My brother… he'd given me all the love that I needed. I was just too blind… too _stupid_… too goddamn selfish to see it.

Syaoran pulled me into a comforting hug and kissed me on the head.

I pushed myself from his embrace and said, "Let's go to the amusement park."

"Are you sure?"

"Meiling hasn't been to an amusement park," I said. "I want to take my sister to the amusement park."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"Sakura, your boyfriend is hot!" Chiharu said when the boys left to buy refreshments. "He has the bad boy vibe—totally hot!"

Naoko was bewildered by the puzzled look on my face. "Don't tell me you don't even know your own boyfriend is hot! Meiling, tell your sister she is crazy!"

The younger girl looked up at the mention of her name. She'd been extremely quiet around the others, and only spoke when she was spoken to. However, there was a happy gleam in her eyes whenever someone said something to her, and the rides certainly excited her.

"Syaoran is just Syaoran," the girl mumbled.

Chiharu sighed, exasperated. "These sisters—I give up."

I wanted to tell her that Meiling was right.

Syaoran was just, well, _Syaoran_.

He wasn't anybody else. He didn't look like anybody else—he just looked like Syaoran. And nobody else looked like him. Nobody.

He was just Syaoran…

… My Syaoran…

I shook my head once or twice in an attempt to get rid of such crazy thoughts from my head. Since when did I start staking my claim on Syaoran?

"Sakura, are you okay?" Rika asked; interrupting whatever Naoko was saying.

I nodded.

"As I was saying—" Naoko raised her voice slightly so that everyone's attention was back on her. "So then she was like…"

Tuning the other girl out, I looked in Syaoran's direction and our gazes suddenly met. I was about to turn away but then he smiled, and I felt the heat rising to my cheeks. I wondered vaguely why he had such an effect on me when no one else did. There was just something about the way he smiled that would make me smile, the way he laughed that would make me laugh, the way he touched me that would make my skin burn like it was on fire. I didn't understand it at all.

Was _this_ love?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I hadn't known what to give Syaoran for our one year anniversary. After a lot of thinking, I decided on giving myself to him—like the heroines in those romance novels. Chiharu, Rika, Naoko, and even Meiling were thrilled with the task of helping me prepare for this 'special occasion'. It would be the biggest understatement of the year to say that Syaoran was _surprised_ by the sight of romantic candles when he'd come into the apartment. Well, it was a good thing Kaho-san hadn't allowed the girls to scatter rose petals on the bed, because Syaoran probably would've bolted right out the front door. After dinner, we sat and watched TV, with me curled up on the couch next to him, my head resting on his lap. The clock on the wall barely chimed midnight when he suddenly put a silver necklace around my neck, followed by a 'Happy Anniversary' and a very sweet kiss. I knew I was ready the moment that I held the ruby 'S' shaped pendant between my fingertips.

"_Sakura_…" He breathed heavily as we pulled apart from the kiss. "We can't."

I looked at him, puzzled, pushing myself up from the couch.

"Oh, if you're not carrying protection, Kaho-san left me a pack of..." I trailed off, mentally scolding myself for feeling flushed all of a sudden.

I told myself I was ready. I was ready. I was ready.

I hadn't even thought of the possibility that, perhaps, he hadn't wanted me.

_Ohh_… the thought finally sunk in. Maybe he _didn't_ want me. I had been very conceited to think he'd wanted me without a single hesitation.

"You…don't…want me?" I was grateful the light was off, or else he would have been able to see how red I'd become. "Oh, gosh… I'm so sorry! I—I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. I should have just bought you cologne, or soap, or a wallet, or something _useful_."

He gripped my shoulders and forced me to look at him. "You have no idea how much I want you."

"Then… why?" I found myself asking.

He smiled, but the smile had looked so sad… so lonely… so hurt… so broken. He finally spoke, "I'm dirty."

I didn't know what he'd meant then.

Syaoran spent the night with me since Kaho-san and Meiling was staying with Yukito-san as part of the plan, but nothing happened. That night, even as I lay in his arms with him right beside me, I felt as though he was a thousand miles away. I wanted to desperately cling to him and draw him closer, never letting him out of my embrace.

Was _this_ love?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"What! You two didn't do it!?" Chiharu and Naoko screamed at the top of their lungs. I quickly shushed them when Takashi-kun and Hisashi-kun, not to mention everyone else in the café, turned around to look at us.

"B-But we planned everything so perfectly!" whined Naoko. "Did he at least see the undergarments?"

I shook my head.

"Let me call him!" Chiharu grabbed for my bag and started digging inside for my phone.

Luckily, Rika yanked the object away from the other girl before she could make the call. "Don't do anything unnecessary. It's not like you two are the ones who'll be doing it with him."

Naoko clapped her hands together. "Oh, I know! Your birthday is coming up! He has to do something sweet for you then!"

"Yeah! And if it doesn't happen then, there's always _his_ birthday!" Chiharu chimed in.

"Takashi and Hisashi are coming back," Rika quickly said. "So, you two, shut it."

Hisashi-kun placed a cup of tea and plate of decadent sweets in front of me.

Naoko pouted and said, "Hisashi, you're playing favorites again."

"You don't like sweets," he pointed out casually to her. He sat down between me and said girl. "What were you guys talking about?"

"It was just girl stuffs." Chiharu then changed the subject, "So are you guys ready for classes to start again?"

Naoko was the first to groan. "No! I didn't pass one of my classes last term, so I have to take it over."

Takashi-kun snorted. "Maybe if you spend less time in Hisashi's classes and more in yours, you will get better grades."

The other girl merely stuck her tongue at him. "Is that any way to speak to your future _older_ sister-in-law?"

"By two minutes," grumbled Takashi-kun.

Hisashi-kun smirked. "Still older, otouto."

"That's dangerous, Hisashi," said Rika, faking a serious face. "Nao just claimed she's going to be your wife and you didn't discourage her. You better be ready to take responsibility in the future."

Naoko beamed brightly, causing Hisashi-kun to laugh.

"This little monkey?" He ruffled her hair. "If no one wants her, I guess I can put a monkey cage in my backyard."

The others snickered.

I wondered why those two weren't dating. Naoko clearly liked him, and he wouldn't have put up with her as much as he did if he didn't like her back.

"Nao wears her heart on her sleeve," Rika said to me when it was just the two of us. Our houses were in the same direction while the others lived in the opposite direction, so we decided to walk together. "She has liked Hisashi since primary school. None of the other kids liked playing with her because she was bossy and just plain spoiled—granted, she still is, but not as much. So she often sat by herself on the swings. To a little Naoko, Hisashi was like a prince on a beautiful white horse the minute that he offered to push her on the swing. Chiharu and I became friends with her through Hisashi."

"But it feels like he likes her, too."

"At times it does feel like that. We all know Hisashi would never hurt Nao, or let anyone hurt her for that matter," she continued, "but it's hard to tell if he cares for her like an older brother or something else entirely. Although, there is one thing both Takashi and I have been able to conclude with certainty after observing Hisashi for a long period of time now…"

"What is it?" I asked with curiosity.

"Hisashi might like you, Sakura."

I halted to a stop. "What? But I have not given him any reason to, not even the slightest encouragement, I swear!"

Rika shrugged. "To tell you the truth, when I first met you, I didn't know what to think of you. I had thought you were just another one of Hisashi's charity cases—he can't stand the sight of anybody being unhappy. I didn't want you to fall for him like Naoko did because, as much as she annoys me with her occasional tantrums, she's one of my best friends."

I didn't know how to tell Rika that it was too late for Hisashi-kun to be my prince on a white horse. Syaoran already had that position filled. He didn't just save me from a kind of loneliness—he'd saved me. Period.

"I know you have Syaoran, so I'm not worried. If Hisashi does like you, he will soon realize it's all for naught." She then smiled. "Shall we get going?"

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_in the future/present_…)

I can't help but smile at the picture in my hand. Hisashi-kun is carrying Naoko bridal style on a beach; both are in their uniforms.

Written on the back of the picture are the words:

_Thank you for flying The Yamazaki Express. This is your Captain speaking.  
We've finally found the perfect location. We really wish everyone could've been there.  
We'll give you all the details when we get back. See you end of the month!  
- Hisashi._

I hang the picture on the fridge along with the other photos Meiling and Kaho-san have sent me over the years to let me know that I am always in their thoughts.

The front door opens and Yue-san walks in while saying, "Well, that's everything. Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nod my head instead of replying because there is no way for me to say a single word without bursting into a fit of giggles.

The older man frowns. "What?"

"I'm sorry but it'll take a while before I'm used to seeing you with short _black_ hair."

His frown deepens when I finally let out a giggle.

I still remember our first meeting after fifteen long years—_He and I stood on opposite side of the prison wall as we waited for the gates to open. The first thing I did was run my hand through his hair. The once beautiful silver color of his vibrant, soft flowing hair was suddenly a limp, dull grey. His complexion was no longer fair, but flawed with wrinkles and age spots. My first thought was that this man had lost so much because of me. As if he'd read my mind, he grinned and said, 'I can use a haircut.'_

"Are you ready?" Yue-san asks.

"I just need to say my goodbyes."

He gives me an understanding nod and leaves the room again after saying, "I'll wait outside."

The front door closes with a gentle click.

I take one last look around the apartment, engraving everything into my mind—the mismatched furniture, the color of the wooden floor to the granite countertops in the kitchen, the fridge where I hang all of the postcards and pictures I've received, the cactus sitting on the windowsill above the kitchen sink, the hole in the wall from my first big fight with Syaoran, and the various couple shots of Syaoran and me displayed throughout the apartment. I still remember, rather vividly, when I first came here with Syaoran.

'_Do you like it?' he'd asked. 'It's our home.'_

Home.

The place hasn't been such for many years now. Not without him.

I make my way to the bedroom. There is a large framed picture of Syaoran in a white tuxedo hanging on the wall above the bed. Hisashi-kun took the picture when Syaoran wasn't expecting; it was the only picture taken on that day. Syaoran looks so handsome in white. I don't think I've ever told him before, but no man can hold a candle to him. As far back as I can remember my eyes have followed him. And only him.

But I think… I think he was already aware of that.

I don't know if it's just a hallucination from many years of missing him, but I can still smell his scent lingering around the room. The pillows, the bed sheets, the closet, the air, my skin—everything smell of him.

Thinking about him brings a smile to my smile, but at the same time, it makes me want to cry endlessly.

"I'm sorry you have to wait so long."

I take the note on top of the dresser and leave the room.

I put the note on the kitchen table; glancing at the content one last time.

_Don't worry about me. I am happy, I promise.  
Love,  
Sakura L._

"Ready?" Yue-san asks when I open the door.

I look back at the apartment once more.

"Yeah… Let's go," I reply with smile and step out into the hallway, closing the door gently behind me. _Just a little longer… please wait for me just a little longer, my love._

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_back to the past_…)

Months passed.

Syaoran and I had not progressed to _that_ point of our relationship yet. However, his kisses did grow more intense. More demanding. Deeper. _Hungrier_. Yet, he'd pulled away each time, even when I'd thrown myself at him on his birthday. He'd told me that having me with him was enough. Liar. He was such a liar.

"Is someone coming to pick you up?" Kaho-san was watching me from the doorway. "Wear a scarf, it might get chilly tonight."

I grabbed a scarf and wrapped it around my neck. "Yes, Rika is coming to get me," I replied. "We're going to a host club to celebrate Naoko's 20th birthday."

"_Why_?" There was genuine confusion in her voice.

Meiling poked her head from under the blanket and said with a small laugh, "I believe the real reason is to make what his name jealous."

Kaho-san rolled her eyes, not realizing Meiling had been on my bed the entire time. "If I knew you were going to sleep in Sakura's bed every night, I would not have given up my office space."

The doorbell rang.

"That must be Rika," I said, grabbing for my phone and stuffing it into my bag.

"Call me if you're not going to come back tonight," Kaho-san instructed.

"I will! Good night, Meiling!" I called back as I hurried to the front door. I greeted Rika, "Hey."

She smiled. "Ready?"

I nodded.

The host club was not at all what I'd expected. The atmosphere was very calm and relaxing, and the décor was very elegant. It was just women sitting around talking and drinking with the male hosts—it didn't look so _bad_.

"Naoko says they're in one of the private rooms," Rika said, looking at her phone, and guided the way. She laughed at the bemused look on my face. "Sakura, you are too cute. It's like you've been living under a rock, and I mean that in the nicest way possible."

"What?"

She shook her head with a giggle. "Forget what I said. It's nothing. Let's go."

"You're late!" Naoko greeted us with a frown as soon as we walked into the room.

Rika shrugged her off. "Doesn't Nao look just lovely tonight, Sakura?"

Naoko jabbed a finger at Rika. "Don't think you're getting off _that_ easily." She handed Rika and me each a small glass of sake. "Drink!"

"Do you want to explain to Kaho-san how Sakura got drunk, Naoko?" Hisashi-kun took the cup from my hand and gave me a glass of juice instead. He took away Rika's cup as well. "Takashi, it's me and you to the rescue."

Takashi-kun sighed. "We might as well get drunk if we have to be stuck here. Honestly, Nao. Why _here_?"

"I've heard the hosts here are extremely good looking," Naoko replied, sending a side glance at Hisashi-kun who was, or was not, pretending to not hear what she'd said. "Speaking of them, they should be here soon. I told the manager to bring us only their best hosts."

Hisashi-kun stated, "Just because your father lavishes you with money, you should not be so prodigal."

Naoko muttered begrudgingly, "Not like he's around to lecture me."

Hisashi-kun gave her an annoyed look I'd never seen on his face before, but he didn't press on with the matter. The door opened and a stocky man wearing a purple suit walked in, followed by five male hosts.

"Here they are!" announced the man in the purple suit. "The best hosts we have to offer—our top 6 actually."

Takashi-kun turned to ask Naoko, "Why did you get six? There are only four girls here."

"There are only five of them," Naoko pointed out to the manager; completely ignoring Takashi-kun.

The last host then walked into the room, and I dropped the glass of juice in my hand.

We all gasped at the same time. "Syaoran!?"

The manager grinned. "I see you already know our Number 1 host! Well, I'll tell someone to come clean up that mess. Don't worry and enjoy yourselves!"

The room was dead quiet.

It was Hisashi-kun who stepped forward to nudge me lightly on the shoulder, whispering quietly into my ear, "You're only making both him and yourself feel worse by standing here and staring at each other like that. Take him outside and talk to him."

I did as he suggested. Syaoran and I went into the hall to discuss whatever it was that needed to be discussed between us. I just didn't know what. I had so many questions on my mind. Like, why didn't he tell me? Was he ashamed to tell me? Did he think it didn't matter? What else was he hiding from me? What did it mean exactly? Being a male host, that is. What did he do? Was it like some of the things people said?

"Is this—is this what…what you meant when you said you were…dirty…?" I finally found my voice; my eyes fixed on the floor.

He lifted my chin so that I would look him in the eyes. Amber eyes begged me to believe him when he said, "I only talk and drink with my patrons. I've never kissed another person."

Kissed…

So that meant he'd slept with someone.

Of course he'd slept with someone before me. I told myself I was oh-so stupid if I'd thought otherwise.

"Why didn't you tell me, Syaoran?" I asked. "I've always wondered what your second job is."

"It's not something I'm proud of doing," he said. "It's only temporary. My mother owns the place, and I'm only helping out until the business starts picking up again."

My head fell against his chest. He smelled _nice_. Kind of like white tea lily scented candles. "I like how you normally smell better," I mumbled into his shirt. I thought the muskiness of the oil odor from the garage fitted him much better.

"And how do I normally smell?"

I looked up at him. "You just smell like you."

He leaned down to kiss my lips. The sweetest, gentlest, and most amazing kiss I could ever imagine. He pulled back, looked into my eyes, and smiled. Then he leaned down to kiss me again, with his hand resting on my cheek. This time longer than the last. I thought I could just kiss him forever.

We pulled apart when a voice suddenly said, "Syaoran?"

A woman stood a few feet away, an inexplicable expression on her face as she looked over me from head to toe.

I could feel Syaoran tensing up beside me from the way he grabbed my hand into his and moved me behind him, all so discreetly.

The woman came closer. She had long black hair, dark eyes, and light pale skin. She didn't look a day over twenty. Her eyes never left me as she asked, "And who do we have here?"

"Mother…" he said, almost a whisper. My eyes widened in surprise to hear this woman was his mother. I couldn't believe I was actually standing face-to-face with her. She looked so nice and warm… so _motherly_. "This is Sakura, my girlfriend."

"I never knew Syaoran had such a cute girlfriend. Can you believe that he would not tell his own mother something so important? I think he's afraid that I might embarrass him." His mother smiled in a catlike manner. "Nice to meet you, Sakura-chan—you can call me Yelan if you'd like. You must come over for dinner soon!"

I felt Syaoran jerk.

"But run along, Syaoran, and take Sakura-chan home. She shouldn't be in a place like this." Despite the sweet smile on her face, there was something cold and bone chilling about the look in her eyes. "I hope to see you again, Sakura-chan."

His mother hated me, I could just tell.

After the meeting with his mother, for weeks Syaoran called me on the phone instead of coming to the apartment when he got off from his daytime job. He told me it was because the host club had gotten busy all of a sudden, but I knew it was a lie. When I did see him again a month later, no matter how faint the bruises on his neck and arms, they stood out to me more than anything—more than the dark circles around his eyes, more than the weary look on his face, and even more than that stupid little smile of his that had made a permanent home in my heart. I began to run my hand under his shirt, but he stopped me, like always.

"Don't," he whispered, clasping my hand in his.

"Please, Syaoran…" I begged of him. My breath hitched in my throat as I slowly pulled his shirt up over his head. I couldn't stop a small gasp from escaping. I bit my lips and swallowed the lump in my throat, yet I still couldn't find the words. He had so many scars—not bruises but scars, old and new. Where did one begin and where did it end? I couldn't tell. There were so many that I had difficulties discerning normal skin in between each one.

"It's ugly, I know. I didn't want you to see it…ever." He turned his back to and started to put his shirt back on.

I stopped him by wrapping my arms around his waist, and rested my head on his back; his skin felt so warm on the side of my face. He was wrong. I wanted to tell him that he was just perfect. But words couldn't begin to describe exactly _how_ perfect and absolutely beautiful he was to me. So I let my actions speak louder than words. I kissed every scar on his body, thanking Kami-sama for bringing him into my life and hoping, even if it was just for a moment, that I could erase some of his pain.

Was _this_ love?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

The holiday was just around the corner.

"Are you and Syaoran doing anything special for Christmas?" asked Naoko. "Hisashi and I are going snowboarding!"

Chiharu rolled her eyes. "Translation: the Yamazaki family is going snowboarding for Christmas and Naoko will _coincidentally_ show up at the same ski resort."

"It's a yearly ritual," Rika explained to me.

"Syaoran is coming over to spend Christmas day with my family," I said.

Naoko frowned. "No special Christmas Eve plans? What a bummer! I wish you guys would just do it already."

Rika slapped her arm. "I swear. You get ruder and ruder with age. Ignore her, Sakura."

I was pretty much used to Naoko's bluntness already. "Syaoran has to take care of something on Christmas Eve. Apparently he has a surprise for me Christmas morning."

"Aw!" the girls exclaimed.

I didn't know what Syaoran had in store for me, but to be quite honest, I was eager to find out.

Meiling and I visited Touya's grave the day before Christmas. Neither of us said much, or anything for that matter. We left flowers on his grave—Nakuru's grave as well—asked him if he was happy, and told him that we were both very, very happy. We didn't feel the need to fill him in on what was going on in our lives because we both knew he had been watching over us, wherever he was, never letting us out of his sight like the overprotective brother that he was.

I was restless on Christmas Eve. I didn't know to blame my restlessness on the fact that I wanted Christmas morning to arrive already or the giggling teenage girls who had taken over my room. Meiling was having a sleepover with a new friend she'd met in school. From what I could tell, the two had a lot in common, but one distinctive quality they both shared was their timid nature around strangers—_only_ strangers. After an hour or so, Meiling's friend decided I was harmless enough and her real nature showed.

"You escaped?" Kaho-san handed me a cup of hot cocoa. She occupied the seat next to me on the couch, and we watched TV together.

"I thought you went to get some work done."

"Those two are kind of loud," she said with a smile. "It doesn't look like you'll be getting your room back any time soon. Is your room a magical lair or something?"

I shrugged and blew on the hot liquid. "I'll sleep in Meiling's room tonight."

She looked at me from the corner of her eyes and asked, rather slyly, "Has Syaoran told you what time he will be coming tomorrow?"

"He hasn't called me in a week," I told her.

She glanced at her wristwatch. "It's only 9 o'clock."

I quietly sipped my hot cocoa and patiently waited for her to finish. Kaho-san smiled, realizing what I was doing, and got straight to the point.

"I can drive you to see him for a little bit, if it's eating at you so much." She quickly added, "I can use a little fresh air from those two."

"Wouldn't it be weird if I just—"

She chuckled before I could finish. "If I learned anything from being friends with Nakuru, it is that sometimes it takes a little more than just _waiting_."

"I'll go grab my coat," I decided to say.

I told Meiling that we were going out for a bit. I didn't even have to tell her where we were going, or why we were going out. She simply said, "Tell Syaoran I'm expecting a really good present tomorrow."

Her friend giggled.

I wondered if I was so transparent that almost everyone knew what I was thinking.

The plan had been for me to call Syaoran outside, in case his mother was home. He didn't pick up his phone so I went into the lobby to ask Wei if Syaoran was home, and the man assured me that Syaoran was home alone. I would never forget the anxiety I had felt standing outside Syaoran's apartment. I knocked on the door and rang the doorbell many times but no one answered. I tried the lock, and surprisingly, the door opened without any resistance. The apartment felt empty when I stepped inside.

"Hello?" I called out. "Syaoran?"

I suddenly saw a white powdery substance scattered all over the coffee table and on the carpet. Fear swept over me. I knew Syaoran still used _substances_ once in a while to get him through, but he'd assured me that he was being very safe. I hurried down the hall to his bedroom.

I pushed open his door, "Syao—"

I froze in one spot, unable to even think. I couldn't register what I was seeing before my eyes.

"No, no, no, no…" I shook my head furiously.

I felt sick.

Syaoran was… his mother… t-they…

"He's experiencing a kind of euphoria you simply cannot imagine, so I'm afraid he can't hear you right now, dear." His mother smiled smugly at me as she traced an index finger over his bare chest. "I would have answered your phone call and saved you from seeing this heartbreaking scene, but as you can see, I was quite busy—" She purred and slowly rocked her hips, letting out moan after moan. "—I'll let him know you dropped by after the drug wears off. Be a darling and close the door on your way out."

I ran out of there as fast as I could.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't cry. I felt like dying.

I just wanted to run… run far, far away from Hell.

I saw Kaho-san entering the building. She grasped my shoulders when she saw the panicked look on my face.

"Sakura, what's wrong?" she asked with concern. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out; I didn't even want to think back on what I saw, let alone speak of it. And, as if she could read my thoughts, she wrapped her arms around me and said, very warmly, "Let's go home."

I didn't tell Kaho-san what had happened. I just told her that all I needed was a good night's sleep. I asked her not to tell Meiling about me being upset, at least until after the holiday. I hadn't known how to tell them—_what_ to tell them. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see her… on top of him. I would see her condescending smile, the way her fingers lingered on his skin, and the almost cathartic look on his face.

Christmas morning came; Syaoran didn't.

He didn't come the next day, either. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. He didn't answer anyone's calls, and I couldn't bring myself to go to his home. The thought of seeing his mother again _daunted_ me.

Everyone kept asking if he and I had gotten into a fight, and Kaho-san once again told me sometimes taking actions was better than sitting at home waiting. I didn't want to tell them anything when I wasn't even sure myself. I knew exactly what I'd seen with my eyes, but I wanted to hear it from him. I just wanted to hear his voice… to see his face. I wanted him to come for me.

Was _this_ love?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

But he didn't come for me.

Before I knew it, cherry blossoms had started blooming again, and it was already my birthday.

"Still haven't heard from him?" asked Hisashi-kun. He handed me a slice of cake. "The girls have put a lot of effort into throwing you a surprise party. You don't have to look happy but at least eat the cake."

I had no appetite, but I accepted the plate from him anyway. It was the least I could do when everyone had done whatever they could to keep my spirit up in the past couple of months. I tried to put on a smile, "Thank you."

He suddenly flicked my forehead. "I already said you don't have to look happy."

"Hisashi-kun, I'm fi—"

He flicked my forehead again.

"No, you're not," he said. "Sakura, it's written all over your face. Heck, you touch your necklace every five seconds. It's bad enough with Takashi telling me to forget it, but having to watch you pine over your boyfriend as well—don't you think Kami-sama is cruel for rubbing it in so much?" He flicked my forehead again. "Don't look at me as if I've just troubled you beyond measure."

"Hisashi-kun, I—" I quickly shielded my forehead with my hands so he couldn't flick me again.

He laughed; flicking my nose instead.

"I didn't know what to get you for your birthday," he started saying, "so I was going to write you an I.O.U. But then I realized that there is only one thing that you really want." He then grabbed my hand and pulled me up onto my feet. "My present to you, Kinomoto Sakura, is a little courage. Let's go find him."

Meiling and the other girls insisted on coming along with us, but Hisashi-kun wouldn't let them, on the ground that it should be a reunion between Syaoran and me, not Syaoran, me, and five other people. The girls eventually relented. Hisashi-kun hurried me out of there before they saw the flaw in his argument.

We ended up going to Syaoran's apartment after going to the garage; apparently he had not come in to work for months now. I thought maybe he had quit his daytime job to work at the host club permanently.

"Go on," Hisashi-kun said, urging me to get out of the cab. "Or do you want to wait a few more hours and check the host club instead?"

He knew I didn't want to go to the host club. He held the door open and waited impatiently for me to make up my mind.

Finally, when he was fed up with waiting, he said, "Is courage not enough? Would you like me to give you my balls as well?"

I didn't know how in the world Rika and Takashi-kun had come to the conclusion that Hisashi-kun had liked me at one point. I did not see it—not one bit.

Taking in a deep breath, I stepped out of the cab.

Hisashi-kun snorted. "My god, you two are sickening. I bet you two just had a typical couple's fight and blew it out of proportions."

I chose not to enlighten him, lest he took back the so-called 'courage' he'd given me if he knew the details. I was sure Hisashi-kun wouldn't stop for a minute to think that perhaps Syaoran had a reason. I didn't know what it was, but he just had to have a reasonable explanation. Well, at least that was what I was hoping.

"Hello!" Wei greeted me with a smile when we stepped into the lobby. "Are you here to visit Li-san?"

I nodded.

He looked at me apologetically. "I'm sorry for my mistake last time. I had stepped away for a bit, maybe that was when..." he trailed off. "Well, I've been meaning to apologize to you since. I'm glad you've come by today, but you should leave. Li-san is not home."

"Sir, do you know when he will be back?" asked Hisashi-kun.

"He's not coming back," a voice said bitingly. I didn't have to turn around to figure out whose voice it was. Syaoran's mother strolled up to me with a smile on her face. "Didn't he tell you, dear—or are you here to gloat by playing the part of an ignorant lamb?"

I hated her.

A disgusted feeling washed over me, churning in the pit of my stomach, and I found myself looking away from her. I mentally scolded myself for being so weak; I hated that I couldn't even look her in the eyes and tell her that she was lower than scum.

Her next words, however, quickly disabused me of any cowardice thought I had possessed within me. "Who do you think you are?" she spat acidly. "When he has nowhere else to go, he will come back home. He's merely going through a rebellious stage right now. Don't start deluding yourself into thinking that you're somewhat significant in his life. You're nothing more than a cheap whore whose skirt he's been chasing."

My hand moved without me realizing it until I felt it connect with the side of her face.

"How dare you!" She raised her hand to strike me back.

Hisashi-kun stepped in front of me in time to receive the backhanded slap instead. He said to Syaoran's mother, "I hope you can call it even."

She narrowed her eyes at Hisashi-kun as her lips split in mockery of a smile. "Sakura-chan, don't tell me you want to have your cake and eat it too," she said to me in that condescending tone of hers. Her eyes never left me as she turned to address Wei, "I don't want unnecessary people coming to my apartment, so please make a note of that."

She brushed past me, intentionally bumping into my shoulder, with her head held high, as if she was telling me to know my place.

"Do you know where Syaoran has gone?" Hisashi-kun asked Wei once Syaoran's mother had left.

"Li-san left quite abruptly, but perhaps Yue would know Li-san's whereabouts."

Wei was kind enough to give us Yue-san's address.

I thanked Hisashi-kun for all the trouble he had to go through just because I was too much of a coward to do anything. Truly, I was scared. I didn't know if I could look at Syaoran the same way as before. How _would_ I look at him? How would _he_ look at me? Would he even look at me? What would we say to each other? All these different thoughts ran through my mind the entire ride to Yue-san's place.

"So who is Yue?" asked Hisashi-kun.

I took my eyes from the window to look at him for a second before glancing out the window again.

"He is Syaoran's probation officer," I replied.

Hisashi-kun laughed. "So your boyfriend doesn't just look like a bad boy—he _is_ one. Wait till I tell the girls."

I smiled a little.

The girls would have a field day with the newfound knowledge. They were infatuated with Syaoran's so-called 'bad-boy' image enough as it was.

"His mother—" He paused momentarily as if wondering how to phrase the next part. "—she scares you, huh?"

I told him that he had to be the most perceptive man alive. "No wonder you're studying psychology," I said.

"It's just something I'm good at," he said; not bothering to point out that I hadn't answered his question.

"You don't sound at all enthusiastic," I noted casually.

Leaning back into the seat, he said with a smile, "My dream is to become a pilot actually."

Turning to face him, I asked with curiosity, "What makes you want to become a pilot?"

"When Takashi and I were seven, our parents divorced because our mother couldn't cope with our father being away from home 20 days a month. Mother took custody of Takashi, and I went with our father. He showed me the world." I admired the look on his face as he began to talk about his worldly travels; the people he'd met, the different foods he'd eaten, the sights he'd seen, the roads he'd taken, and every vivid detail he could remember. And he remembered everything. He'd engraved every little detail in his memory, from the lush green valley of the Himalayas to the clear, blue sky of Abu Dhabi to the indescribable Grand Canyon. Listening to him, I felt as though I'd actually been to those places myself. "I've always known that I belong in the sky."

"Something is holding you back?" It was a statement more than a question.

A very gentle smile graced his lips as he said, "Someone would be very lonely."

"We're here," the cab driver suddenly announced.

I looked out the window. We were in front of a brick ranch style duplex with tan siding and a big front lawn that was green on one side and dead on the other. Hisashi-kun led the way to the door on the side with the dead lawn after telling the cab driver to keep the engine running. He rang the doorbell, and we waited for a few minutes before the door was answered.

Yue-san looked like he'd just rolled out of bed. "Sakura, what are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry to bother you like this, Yue-san," I said. "I'm looking for Syaoran. Wei said you might know where he is."

"Go home, Sakura," he mumbled, tiredness clearly reflected in his voice.

"So you do know where he is then?" I asked; hopeful.

Once again, he told me to go home. "I want to help you, but I also know that Syaoran doesn't want to see you right now."

Hearing that made me angry.

Very angry.

I tried to remain calm, though I couldn't help sounding a little bitter. "So when _does_ he want to see me?"

The older man exhaled heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just got off from a night shift about an hour ago, so I'm a little sleep deprived. Let me rephrase," he said slowly, "Syaoran doesn't want you to see him right now."

"What do you mean?"

"If you want to see him, I'll take you to him. He won't be pleased with me but what the hell, his stubborn ass can thank me later." Yue-san looked at me and then at Hisashi-kun and then back at me. "But I'll only take you."

Hisashi-kun took that as his cue to speak. "I should get back to the party and report to everyone anyway," he said with complete understanding. "Call us with good news when you two have made up."

Yue-san apologized to me afterwards for sending Hisashi-kun home. He explained that Syaoran didn't want me to see his current state, let alone someone he hardly knew.

"What _is_ his current state?" I asked.

Yue-san took his eyes off the road for a second to look at me with such compassionate eyes. His voice was gentle. "I'm sorry you had to see what you saw." I didn't say anything, so he continued, "I can't imagine what a shock it must've been for you, considering I highly doubt Syaoran has told you that she's not his birth mother. As far he is concerned, Li Yelan is his only mother."

"Why? She is so…so…" No words that could've described the woman came to mind. Well, I thought of a few, but none of which were appropriate to say in front of company.

"Yelan didn't always use to be the woman that you know today. Syaoran was around four when I moved into my old apartment complex. Our sixteen years age difference didn't stop him from following me like I was his best friend in the entire world."

"He once told me that he would sneak away from home to go to your place a lot," I said.

The other man chuckled warmly. "Back then he was a spoiled-rotten mama's boy. No one could say 'no' to the boy, everybody in the building loved him. But no one loved him more than Yelan."

Perhaps it was my biased and soiled impression of Syaoran's mother that made me think Yue-san and I couldn't have possibly been referring to the same woman.

"Yelan adopted Syaoran after his mother, her best friend, tried to suffocate him to death when he was no older than a month. Apparently he'd outlived his cuteness. It might be hard to believe now, but Yelan once loved Syaoran like her own flesh and blood."

"What happened?"

"Yelan and her husband tried for many years to have children of their own but failed. Her husband grew bitter towards Syaoran. He saw the boy as a reminder of his own failure. Something in Yelan changed after her husband left. The change wasn't evident at first. It had happened so gradually, no one seemed to notice." I could tell from the tone in his voice that Yue-san blamed himself for being one of the people who had not noticed. "I thought he was just going through a phase, like most adolescent boys. Growing up, I'd been through a few phases myself, so I thought he would grow out of it when the time came."

"Yue-san, you couldn't have possibly known."

A bitter smile hovered on his lips. "That's the thing. I should have suspected something was wrong—the bruises, how often he left home, and how little she'd cared. I came home from work one day to a confused and frightened Syaoran sitting outside my door. He was fourteen then. I didn't know what was wrong, and he didn't tell me either. I should've pushed harder, but I didn't. I was too busy telling myself that he isn't the child I never wanted, that I can't make up for my own selfishness with a substitution. It would be around yours and Syaoran's age right now."

No words could explain how I felt. Maybe shock and utter numbness.

I didn't understand Syaoran's love for his mother, perhaps because I never did love mine in such a way. Maybe I had once upon a time; I couldn't quite remember a specific moment in time though.

"Syaoran's biggest fear is to be thrown away," Yue-san suddenly said. "You make him want to change."

I saw Yue-san in a new light. I'd always respected the silver-haired man, but I didn't really _know_ him. Till then, in my eyes, he'd always been Syaoran's probation officer. And nothing more.

I started to develop a sort of admiration for the man.

Strangely enough, Yue-san reminded me of Touya. The two of them were so opposite, yet somehow, on some inexplicable level they felt so similar.

"Yue-san, where are we going?" I asked after looking away from him and noticing that we were leaving the city. A part of me already knew the answer when I saw the big sign up ahead. _Don't turn right_, I prayed in my head. He made a right turn at the sign.

"Syaoran has been staying in a cabin on the mountains for the past three months."

"Why?"

"You will have to see for yourself," he replied vaguely.

I saw the cabin in the distance, partially hidden by trees and overgrown bushes. Seeing the cabin again brought back many memories, good and bad. It had only been three years, yet the cabin looked so worn out.

Yue-san stopped on the porch abruptly and said, "It's not too late to go back. It might be better for you if you go home and wait for him to come to you when he is ready."

"You say it is better _for me_ and not it is better in general," I remarked.

"It won't be a pretty sight, Sakura," he warned. He then produced a key from his pocket, and pushed it into the lock. Pushing the door open, he stepped to one side to let me enter first. As I walked by, he gave me look that asked if I was sure.

"Yue, is that you?" I heard Syaoran call out.

"Yeah," Yue-san answered while closing the front door.

Syaoran emerged from one of the bedrooms a moment later. "I don't think it's working," he was saying till he saw me standing by the door. "S-Sakura, w-what are you doing here?"

For a second, I hadn't recognized the boy standing before me. Was it really Syaoran? I couldn't tell.

He'd lost so much weight; his skin clung so tightly to his body like a piece of cloth over his bones, to the point that I could see his ribs protruding from under his shirt. I could've probably run my hand over his shirt and been able to count all twenty-four ribs without much trouble. His cheekbones had grown considerably sharper, his eyes were sunken inside dark rings, and his face was drawn and weary, giving him a melancholy appearance.

"Go home, Sakura," he said to me in a hoarse, unfamiliar voice before turning the other way and hurrying back into the bedroom he'd come from.

I had to shake my head from side to side quickly to snap out of my shocked state. "_What_ isn't working, Yue-san?" I asked, surprised to find that my voice was relatively calm.

"He came to me on Christmas Eve and said that he'd fucked up and he needed help. Unfortunately, I had to tell him that I can't send him to get _professional_ help without there being legal consequences—that, as his probation officer, I've turned a blind eye three times too many, including the drug dealing scandal from a couple of years ago. Checking up on him daily to make sure that he has food and whatever else he needs is the best I can do. As far as I'm concerned, he is only ill with something like the flu. Do you understand what I'm saying, Sakura?"

I nodded my head.

"He insisted on coming here, though I don't know why. I can only assume it is to hide from you."

He didn't know how utterly wrong he'd been in his assumption. Syaoran's decision to come to the cabin had nothing to do with me.

Yue-san then said, "Well, I'll let you kids talk. I'm going to take a nap in the car."

"Why don't you use one of the other rooms?" I asked.

The man didn't answer me. He just grinned and left, locking the front door behind him.

I took a deep breath before walking towards the bedrooms. I stood outside his door for a moment, steadying myself, before knocking softly on the door.

"Yue-san told me a little of your past," I said loud enough for him to hear me on the other side. "I still don't understand the relationship between you and—" I couldn't bring myself to call her his mother, and I didn't think I would ever look at her as such again. "—that woman. But I'll try to understand. I need to hear it from you though."

I slowly reached for the doorknob and began to turn it. Locked.

"You're very cruel," I continued to say.

He didn't answer.

"I thought of you every day. In my dreams. When I'm awake. There hasn't been a moment when you're not on my mind. I don't know what you've done to me, but I just can't stop thinking about you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that night either." I leaned my head against the door. "I feel betrayed, but I can't bring myself to hate you. Don't you know, Syaoran? I've been waiting for you."

I heard shuffling in the room.

"Please…" By now my voice had started to crack just a little. "Please let me in."

…_let me into your heart._

"Don't leave me behind."

The door suddenly opened and he said, "I'm not leaving you behind, Sakura. I'm trying to catch up to you." He cupped my face with his hands and closed the gap between us, touching our noses together. "You should've left."

I leaned into his touch, my eyes never leaving his.

He looked so frail I was afraid to touch him for fear that I would somehow break him. Gently, I grazed a hand over his cheek. "Look at you."

"I'm fine, really." I didn't know how much I'd missed that stupid little smile of his till then. "I didn't want you to see me like this because I knew you'd worry, but more than that, I didn't want you to feel disappointed should I fail. I wanted to be a different person when I see you again."

"And coming here," I began to ask, "would you have taken the easy route?"

He gave me a look that said he'd thought about it.

I placed my hands over his. "_No matter what happens we will always have each other, and we'll never give up on each other—or ourselves._ Have you forgotten?"

He stepped away from me and moved towards the bed. "How can I forget?"

I walked over and sat next to him.

He went on, saying, "But the thing is, when we made that compact, we were hoping for a better tomorrow. However, only you and Meiling found that future. I didn't realize that nothing had changed for me till I thought I'd lost you. When she told me… I wanted to run straight to you, but then I realized that you didn't need me anymore. You have a family…and friends. All along it had been me who needed you. I needed you to need me, to give me reasons to hope. Remember that time when you ran away from home?" he asked quietly, his hands folded in his lap. "You asked me how I could've been so kind to my mother. The truth is, I'm not being kind to her—you might see it as so, but in my eyes, I'm only trying to be a good son. You must think it's strange for me to still think of her as my mother, but that's who she is… she's my mother, Sakura."

He had such a warm look in his eyes as he continued, "I still remember her lullabies and how soft and gentle her hugs used to be. She had taught me how to walk, talk, ride a bike, swim, read and write; she'd been both a mother and a father when neither of my birth parents wanted me. I was nine when Uncle—he didn't let me call him _otousan_—left. Mother assured me that we'd be just fine, the two of us. I can't remember how she'd gotten into the host business, I just remember that she didn't have to go to work for three or four months and then all of a sudden, she was never home at night and always sleeping during the day. I started to see less and less of her."

I held his hand in mine. "How did it happen?"

"I was coming home from an overnight class trip." His grip on my hand tightened slightly. "She'd forgotten all about signing my permission slip, so she thought I'd left her like Uncle did. Something inside of her snapped, and she was no longer the mother that I once knew. I went to Yue afterwards, but I couldn't tell him what happened because I knew that he would take me away from her."

She had been everything to him.

I realized then his biggest enemy, what he'd wanted to get rid of with the first compact, had been his younger self—the part of him that had always believed if he waited long enough then his mother would return to him…one day.

I had thought that he was looking for Death, but all along he'd been looking for his mother.

Knowing this saddened me. In finally understanding his love for his mother, I also realized that a part of him was lost to me forever; a part that would always belong to that woman.

"Does she…you…often?" I didn't know how to word it.

"Only when she's in an extremely good mood…" A bitter smile rested on his face. "That time was supposed to be the end. A farewell, if you want to look at it like that."

"If I didn't find out, would you have told me?"

He didn't have to voice his reply—it was written all over his face. Shame. Guilt. Self-loathing.

I pulled his head to my chest and kissed his temple. I didn't tell him that everything would be okay because I knew that wasn't what he needed to hear. I slid my arms around his waist and said, "Just love me, please."

His hands tangled in my hair as he kissed me, his mouth demanding what I was more than willing to offer. This time it was _me_ who took the initiative to slide my tongue along his bottom lip and me who thrust our tongues together when his mouth parted. I kissed him with a passion that spoke eloquently of the effect he had on me. It was no longer a matter of me being ready or not. I wanted him.

I wanted him to remember only the warmth of my body, the touch of my lips on his, the taste of my kisses, and so much more. I just wanted him to remember every inch of me.

Not a lot went through my mind except for pain. Lots and lots of pain.

I bit back the tears and stared at the ceiling as a stabbing pain pierced through my body.

_Love stories…lie._

I wasn't swept away by an indescribable euphoria or any kind of intense excitement for that matter, only a sense of uncomfortable fullness. I felt every ragged breath he took, every beat of his heart hammered against mine, as I clung to him with every fiber of my being.

I never wanted to let him go.

"_Syaoran_…"

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_in the future/present_...)

"…I love you," I say, kneeling down and placing a bouquet of peach blossoms in front of the headstone. "I don't think I've ever told you… But I love you, Onii-chan. I won't be able to come visit you for a very long time. I've come today to say my goodbye, and tell you that you can stop worrying about me now. I'll be fine, I promise."

"Where do you want to go?" Yue-san asks beside me.

A cool breeze blows by, carrying with it the sweet scent of spring. I get up on my feet and glance back at my brother's grave one last time.

I don't know where I want to go exactly. That's something I still need to figure out.

…But anywhere other than here seems just about right.

After a moment of silence, I finally say, "To the end of the world."

I just want to keep my legs moving forward, never stopping, never turning back, and never yielding to my darkest thoughts. I know that if I stop, even for a second, I'll turn around and see what used to be there and I'll never want to look away again.

_Until that day comes, let's keep going_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_back to the past_…)

I didn't know when I'd fallen asleep, just as I didn't know what had awakened me now. The first thing I noticed as I got out of bed was that I was in a different room than before, and that I was wearing Syaoran's t-shirt and shorts. I stepped out to the hallway when I heard a strange noise in the distance.

"Syaoran?" I called out into the darkness.

There was a light coming from the bathroom, and the door was just barely open. Nervously, I pushed the door open a tad more and peered inside.

Syaoran was hunched over the toilet, with his face in the bowl. Yue-san, who was kneeling on the ground beside Syaoran, pulled his head back up and wiped his mouth with a cloth. The silver-haired man did not seem happy as he flushed the toilet. "You're vomiting blood," he said. "We have to get you to a hospital now."

"It's probably just from all the throwing up," Syaoran said, very weakly. "I'm fine."

"It's been five hours and you haven't stopped vomiting. I don't think that's normal. Not to mention that you're shivering a lot more than usual."

"…I didn't take my dose this evening."

"What were you thinking!?"

"What's happening?" I finally spoke up, surprising both of them.

"Sakura, go back to your room," ordered Syaoran without as much as a glance in my direction before hurling himself at the toilet again.

"Take over for me," said Yue-san to me and hurried out of the room.

I didn't know what to do exactly, so I just knelt down next to Syaoran and rubbed his backside gently. When he pushed himself back into a sitting position, I flushed the toilet, taking note of the water's red color. I brushed away his bangs, drenched with sweats, from his forehead.

Yue-san then came back into the room with a syringe in his hand. "Okay, Sakura, hold his arm down for me."

"No, Yue," protested Syaoran. "I don't want it."

"Take a good look at yourself, Syaoran. You're in no position to be going cold turkey. Just stick to the damn plan. Your probation ends in less than two years, we can get you professional help then. For now, let's just focus on controlling—"

"Two years is too long," Syaoran interrupted.

"Sakura, hold his arm down for me," Yue-san said once more, a little firmer this time. When I hesitated, he turned to address Syaoran, "I know it's tempting to deal with the short-term physical pain rather than cope with the long-term psychological pain, but you have to understand that your body is not in a good condition. It may not be able to handle such a dramatic change."

Syaoran didn't respond, nor did he attempt to cooperate with the other man. His body started to shake almost uncontrollably, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face into his arms in a half-hearted attempt to pass off the horrible ache that threatened to engulf him.

And I understood.

"I can't help you, Yue-san," I said.

"Sakura, I expected you to be a little more levelheaded than he is. It won't just be agonizing pain, it'll be—"

I cut him off, "I know."

Syaoran didn't need the drugs. He'd been relying on drugs for far too long, it was time for him to face the reality he'd been running from.

And I was going to be right there. I was going to be with him every step of way—to remind him that his place was with me.

"I wonder…" I said very quietly to Syaoran, "…which one of us is the more selfish person?"

Yue-san snorted but a smile rested on his face nevertheless. "You're both idiotic kids. I'll go make you something to eat, Sakura."

"Thank you, Yue-san."

"Holler for me if his condition worsens," he instructed before leaving.

When Yue-san was out of sight, I noticed that he'd left the syringe behind on the counter.

"Some birthday this has been huh?" Syaoran said with a scoff.

I gave him a slight smile. "I suppose you can say that."

"I'll make it up to you, one way or another."

"It's not me who you'll have to appease," I told him. "You and I both have to apologize to Meiling."

He laughed softly. God, how I had missed that sound. There were so many things I missed about him that I couldn't name them all.

His hand suddenly brushed against mine very lightly for a brief second, almost as if he hadn't touched me at all. When I looked at him, he had his head turned in the other direction, but his hand was inches away from mine and I could see the back of his neck reddening a little bit. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I slid my hand into his, our fingers intertwining, and nestling between the interlocking digits were all the unspoken words that didn't need to be said in order to be understood.

_No matter what happens we will always have each other, and we'll never give up on each other—or ourselves_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"You want to do _what_?" Kaho-san asked with astonishment. Meiling also stopped whatever she was doing, but kept whatever opinion she had to herself as she turned her attention back to her phone. "I understand that right now Syaoran needs whatever support he can get, and I'm perfectly fine with you wanting to spend as much time with him as possible. I understand all of that—I really do. I just don't see why you have to put your life on hold."

"I'm not putting my life on hold," I reasoned with her. Yue-san had taken me home then left to go to work. I'd wanted to stay at the cabin but Syaoran insisted that I went home before Kaho-san and Meiling started to worry. On the ride home, I came to the realization that despite how much I really wanted to be there with Syaoran every step of the way, I couldn't. At least, not without making some sacrifices. "I'm only putting my education on hold by taking a semester off. I'll start school again in the fall."

"Saying that now is one thing, but in a couple of months what life throws at you is another. Do you know how many people say that each year and never go back? What's more, you're asking to live with him for God knows how long in middle of nowhere. I'm sorry, Sakura, but no—I can't agree to this. I _won't_ agree to this."

"All the cabins are a mile or two away from each other, so it's not like we'll be secluded from society. Not to mention that Yue-san drops by every other day, if not every day."

"No is no, Sakura. If Touya were here, he would agree with me."

I hated that she had brought up my brother, because a part of me knew that what she was saying was right.

She went on, saying, "I really like Syaoran a lot and I hope only the best for the two of you, but you're still too young to be revolving your life around him. You have to think of your future, Sakura. And there is no guarantee that Syaoran is going to be _that_ future. Call me blunt, but I'm only trying to get you to be a little more realistic. If you two were a little older, I'd have no objection."

"Are you going to tell her about America?" Meiling finally said something.

Kaho-san let out an exasperated sigh. "Not now, Meiling."

"What about America?" I asked.

"It's nothing," said Kaho-san.

I turned to Meiling but she just shrugged her shoulders and pointed to Kaho-san before getting up from the breakfast table and going to her room.

"Kaho-san, what about America?" I asked again.

"My mentor is retiring and would like me to take over his position and run a psychiatric institute in New York," she answered very briefly. The woman didn't need to tell me that her heart was set on accepting the offer. She'd given up New York once, for Touya's sake, I couldn't have possibly asked for more from her.

"When will you leave?"

"August. But I don't know yet if I'll go."

"You should go," I said. "You can help so many people, Kaho-san—your talent is only wasted here. You've helped me enough."

She smiled slightly and came to sit next to me at the breakfast table. "I was hoping maybe you and Meiling could come with me."

"I can't… He needs me, Kaho-san."

"Why don't you think it over?" She quickly added, "You don't have to stay there forever. Think of it like studying abroad for a year or two. We'll even come back here for the holidays and summer vacations, so you won't have to worry about not seeing Syaoran."

"I know you must think that because I'm at such a young age, I don't quite know where I want to go with my life," I started to say. "Well, you're right in that aspect. I don't really know what I want to do with my life… But I do know that if I go with you, I'll only regret it later on. I want to at least be like you."

"Like me?" She sounded surprised.

"I want to have the courage to follow my heart and be with the person that I love." I wanted to give life the benefit of the doubt. "I love him, Kaho-san."

"If Touya were here…" She looked at me warmly. "He would tell you how quickly you're growing up into a very fine woman."

"Has Meiling decided what she would like to do?" I asked.

Kaho-san shook her head. "Not yet."

"When did she find out?"

"Last month. You were so out of it I didn't know how to tell you." She took my hands into hers and said, "Sakura, regarding what we were talking about earlier, I still don't think it's a good idea… but if that's what you really want to do, then I won't stop you."

"Thank you, Kaho-san…for everything."

"You have to understand that later on you can't ever look back and regret the choices you've made. Okay?"

I nodded.

"Go pack what you need," she said. "I'll cook some things for you to give Syaoran. That boy probably hasn't eaten anything _good_ in forever. What was he thinking? The least he could've done was tell us! Worrying everyone like that—just wait till he gets better, I'm going to give him a dose of my own medicine."

I couldn't help but wonder if Touya had been blind to not see that Kaho-san would've done him some good—to be honest, I didn't remember much about Nakuru, so my opinion was probably biased.

I quietly left the kitchen, and went to find Meiling.

"Come in," she answered when I knocked on her door. I pushed the door open slowly. She looked up from the book she was reading and greeted me, "Hey. How'd the talk go?"

"Alright," I said and sat on the edge of her bed. "Kaho-san gave in eventually."

"That's great!"

"You're not mad that I didn't talk to you about it or anything?"

She shrugged nonchalantly. "It can't be helped. I've always known that you won't live with us forever."

"Speaking of living together…" I looked at her observantly. "I've already told Kaho-san that I don't want to leave. Do you want to stay with me or go with her? It's up to you."

"Will you be lonely if I go?"

"Very lonely," I said with a smile.

"But you'll have Syaoran."

I pulled her into a tight hug. She was surprised at first but eventually sunk into the embrace, all the rigid muscles in her body loosening.

"Call often," I said into her hair.

I couldn't quite hear her response as her words came out muffled against my neck, but I could make out every syllable of the word _Onee-chan_.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_in the future/present_…)

I can't believe I'm saying this… but I think I'm lost.

Everywhere I look, I only see tall, really tall Americans, none of whom speak an ounce of Japanese. Well, actually, I wouldn't know if any of them speak Japanese or not because I haven't _tried_ to approach anyone for help. I've been wondering the airport for the past half hour, hoping to find the flight attendant who has been kind enough to help me since the departure from Japan.

"Obasan!" I hear someone call out and I can't be happier at the prospect of running into a Japanese person.

I'm looking around, but I can't seem to find the source of the voice.

"Obasan, over here! Look to your right!"

I look to my right. Nothing.

"Escalator!" I see a fairly young looking girl with short, brown waving to me from a descending escalator. "Don't move!"

The girl gets off the escalator and almost immediately runs over to me. She catches her breath before saying, "Thank God I've found you! I was about to panic and call okaasan."

I quickly take the photo I carry with me in my pockets and compare it to the person standing before me. They certainly share similar features.

The girl realizes what I'm doing and giggles. "I'm Ayami, your great-niece. Mama was supposed to pick you up but an emergency popped up last minute, so she asked me to come in her place—that's why I ran a little late."

"An emergency? It's not your grandmother, is it?"

"No, no. Nana is well," she replies. "Have you gotten your bags yet?"

"A flight attendant helped me."

"That's good," she says. "So… where is your luggage?"

"It is right over—" I turn to look behind me. Now where have I put that luggage? I just had it with me a few minutes ago.

Ayami leads me over to a bench and sits me down. "I'll go look for your luggage. You just sit here, okay?"

"It's blue with my name written on the tag."

"Don't go anywhere," she says again before leaving.

I mentally scold myself for being so stupid. I can picture Yue telling me what an old fool I've become, and laughing at me for all the times I poked fun at him for misplacing his things all over the house and forgetting where he has put them.

"Did your luggage get lost, too?" a little girl sitting nearby asks.

"You know Japanese?" Saying that I'm amazed would be an understatement. The little girl doesn't look older than seven or eight.

She nods her head. "My obaasan teaches me."

"Are you lost?"

"No. My okaasan is lost."

Despite the strong front she's putting up, I can tell the little girl is scared. For the first time, I notice an unusual characteristic to her eyes. At first glimpse they look like a dark shade of purple, but when you look at them long enough, you can make out the specks of violet and cobalt that light up her eyes.

"_Raven_!" a voice calls out, snapping me from my thoughts.

The little girl hops out of her seat and quickly runs towards a woman with long, pitch-black hair and onyx eyes. "_Mommy_!" the little girl cries out in English. The mother says something I can't quite understand, and the two walk away hand-in-hand.

I now see Ayami heading in my direction with my luggage behind her. I still can't believe she has grown up so much. It seems as though it was just yesterday that Meiling sent me a postcard of _her_ newborn baby, and now her daughter has a daughter of her own. Well, I too have recently become a grandmother, so I really have no room to talk. Where have the years gone?

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_back to the past_…)

Seeing Meiling and Kaho-san off had to be one of the most bittersweet moments of my life. I hadn't known what else to say besides wishing them a safe trip—I knew that I wasn't going to see them for a long time, but it wasn't as if we weren't going to see each other ever again.

"Let's go home," Syaoran said after we watched their plane disappear into the horizon.

I liked the sound of that: _home_.

Rather than me living by myself, he'd asked if I would like to move in with him. Apparently the apartment was the secret Christmas present that I never had a chance to receive. Kaho-san hadn't been keen on the idea, but she eventually agreed that living with Syaoran had to be a lot better than me living by myself—on the condition that she paid half of rent so Syaoran wouldn't need to get a second job and could be home with me at night, to protect me if needed.

"I don't know why but I'm craving sukiyaki right now," Yukito-san suddenly said.

"Oh! That _does_ sound good!" Chiharu chimed in.

Takashi-kun pumped a fist in the air. "It's decided then!" he exclaimed. "Sukiyaki at the lovebirds' nest tonight!"

Syaoran glowered at him. "Why our place? And who even invited _you_ guys to tag along today?"

Hisashi-kun hooked his arm around Syaoran and pulled him into a chokehold. "We go where Sakura goes!"

"That's right! Since we couldn't see her at school last semester, we have to make up for lost time," added Naoko.

Syaoran rolled his eyes. "_What _losttime? You practically live in our living room ever since we moved in."

The five of them started talking all at once over some petty topic while Yukito-san and Yue-san were in their own little world discussing whatever boring things adults liked to talk about, leaving Rika and me feeling bewildered and somewhat embarrassed. Well, I was more amused than anything.

No matter how I looked at the situation, I couldn't help thinking that Syaoran had been wrong when he called these people _my_ friends. Hisashi-kun and the others were just as much his friends as they were mine. They might've started out as my friends, but they had gradually become _our_s—like many of the other things in both our lives at the moment.

Life felt grand, like everything was perfectly in place and 'Happily Ever After' could, perhaps, become a reality.

Every day with Syaoran seemed like a dream come true. I was so lost in a thing called Happiness that I stopped counting the days by the rise and fall of the sun and just lived without worrying about what might go wrong the next day or the day after. I just didn't care. I was too happy to let myself be my own enemy.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_3 years later_…)

"Ah, there you are, Sakura-chan!"

I looked up from my lunch and saw my boss walking towards me.

After graduating from college, I was lucky enough to get a job as a secretary at a small publishing company. I wasn't used to the working environment at first, but I'd come to love going to work every day and getting to know some of the people there. Syaoran still worked at the auto repair shop, although he'd been promoted from repair technician to head technician. Scraps of metal and rubber wheels became his new addiction. And I was perfectly fine with that. I didn't think I could sit back and watch him suffer one more time. Or rather, _I_ didn't want to go through that whole ordeal again—you can just call me selfish.

I took in a quick breath and told myself to snap out of it. That was in the past, and this was now.

"I need you to make some copies for me—that is, after you're done eating," my boss said to me.

"No problem, Aikawa-san," I replied. "I'm almost done with my lunch."

"You're still calling me Aikawa-san after a year?" She tsked primly. "Please start calling me Saki."

"Okay, Saki-san."

The older woman rolled her eyes, smiling. "Leave out the _san_—the suffix makes me sound so old. I'm only four years your senior. By the way, how is the wedding planning coming along? You look a little pale and exhausted lately. Let me know if you need time off."

"Everything is going quite smoothly. Thankfully, my sister is back for the summer to help with the planning as my maid of honor," I said. "You're coming next week, right?"

"Of course I'll be going to your wedding! Well, I'll let you get back to your lunch. I left the files on your desk—make ten copies and put them in the conference room by two o'clock."

"Yes, Saki-san—I mean Saki."

"Good girl." She smiled.

Once she left, I gazed at the ring on my left hand with a smile. It was simple, yet everything I'd ever wanted. The band was silver, and in the center of the ring was a double heart design set with dark red gems that matched the pendant on my necklace perfectly.

Syaoran's proposal had come as a surprise, and what a surprise it had been waking up on the day of our fifth anniversary to find the ring already on my finger and the smile that had ensnared me years ago plastered on his face as he kissed me and said: _Mine_.

In one week, I'd become Li Sakura—Li Syaoran's wife and, hopefully one day, mother of his children.

Even now, everything felt so surreal.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"I just got off work. I'm at the apartment now," I said into the phone as I stepped into the elevator.

"Okay. Everything is set up at Yue-san's place, so we just need you to bring the birthday boy," said Meiling on the other line. "Syaoran doesn't suspect anything, does he?"

"We've been so busy with the wedding that he's forgotten today is his birthday. He thinks we're going to Yue-san's promotion party."

"Send me a text when you guys leave the apartment."

"Okay. We'll see you soon."

I hung just as the elevator came to a stop on the fourth floor. The doors opened and I'd just stepped out of the elevator when my eyes fell on the face of Li Yelan.

"W-What are you doing h-here?" I uttered.

She sneered. "Well, if it isn't my future daughter-in-law. Are you excited for the big day, dear?"

"G-Get out—" I screamed, pushing her into the elevator. "—Get out! Don't come here ever again!"

I didn't bother to wait and see if she would actually leave. I turned on my heels and headed straight for the apartment. Dropping my work bag on the floor, I threw my keys on the table as I called out for Syaoran. I heard the showering running, and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Syaoran?" I tried turning the doorknob.

"I'll be out soon!"

I left for the bedroom to change out of my work clothes. When I saw the messy bed, I felt as though I'd had the breath knocked out of me. I clearly remembered making the bed that morning—I _always_ made sure to make the bed after getting up. Well, Syaoran had the day off that day, so he'd probably slept in and forgotten to make the bed. Yeah, that was probably it.

Then I caught sight of strands of hair on the bed that were too long to be Syaoran's and too black to be mine.

My breathing became irregular as a strange numbing feeling worked its way through my body, my heart pounding against my chest, and my eyes blurred in and out of vision.

"Oh, God…"

I hurried into the kitchen to grab a cold drink of water to clear my head. I was just imagining things. There was no messy bed, and certainly hadn't been hair on the bed either. It was nothing more than paranoia on my part. Syaoran wouldn't do that… He would never do that to me. Never.

I heard the bathroom door opening and his footsteps approaching.

"So what time is Yue's—" He stopped midsentence, as well as mid-step. "What's wrong?"

I took my eyes off the floor to look at him. "What was that woman doing here?"

"She came to congratulate me on the wedding," he answered shortly.

"That's it?"

"I told her that she's not invited and her best wishes aren't wanted—so, yes, that was it. What's troubling you?"

"You are… _How could you_?" I said, my voice slowly rising, my eyes boring into his with such intensity and anger that he looked at me like he didn't recognize me for a second. "You think I wouldn't notice the bed? How _stupid_ do you think I am?"

"I forgot to make the bed, I'm sorry."

"Her hair is all over the bed! It's not enough that you let her into our _home_, but you have to let her into _our_ bed as well? Am I _nothing_ to you compared to that…that…that _whore_!?"

"That whore—" he said through clenched teeth, "—is my mother. I can cut all ties and ignore her very existence, but I can't change the fact that she's my mother. I don't expect you to accept that, but I _did_ expect you to understand."

His words angered me for reasons I could not begin to understand.

"Have there been other times?" I snarled at him.

It was too late to even try to stop it now.

"Other times what?"

"How many times have you _fucked_ her behind my back?"

"Never! I have not seen her in three years," he said. "She just showed up out of nowhere today! And I honestly _don't_ know anything about the hair. You know what? I can't believe I'm even having this conversation with you right now."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you should fucking trust me!" he nearly shouted. "For God's sake, Sakura—you shouldn't even have to _ask_!"

"I want to trust you! But what I see and what I know—" He tried to grab for my hand, but I stepped away from him. "—I can only believe in those things right now… I just—I don't know."

Something flickered in his eyes, but it was gone too quickly for me to identify what the emotion had been. "So what now?" His voice sounded harsh to my ears. "What about the wedding?"

The wedding…

I stared at the ring in confusion, tears slipping down my cheeks.

"…I've always thought that as long as I have _you_ then the little things don't matter," I said quietly. I slowly took the ring off my finger, the ring that he had given me nearly four months ago when he asked me to marry him, to be his forever. I really wish someone would have told me that 'being his' didn't mean necessarily he would be mine. But then again, I'd known for a long time that a part of his heart would never belong to me. So what was I expecting? I should've seen it coming. "But I can't do this if it means not having _all_ of you."

"Sakura, what are you talking about? You do have me!"

I placed the ring in his palm. "No… No, I don't."

Pushing his fingers closed, I brought his fist to my lips and gently kissed his knuckles. He pulled his hand back. "Just tell me…" he said coarsely, "…tell me what you want. What more can I do? Do you want me to cry and beg? Should I grovel at your feet?"

"No!" I cried.

"Then what the fuck do you want from me!?" He suddenly slammed his fist into the wall behind him; his fist shattering the drywall and leaving a gaping hole. I tried to check on his wound but he pushed me away. He left without another word, the front door slamming behind him.

I sunk against the wall and my eyes swelled with tears. A rush of emotions surged through my body. I'd never felt anything like this before—it was a narrow bridge between despair and regret.

'_What have I done_?' was my very first thought.

Why didn't I try to stop him?

My finger felt empty without the ring, like I was missing some important part of my life. It took a few minutes before it finally struck me that I might've lost Syaoran.

And why—for what reason?

I did not know.

It was hours before the front door opened again, but it wasn't Syaoran who walked in.

Meiling quickly rushed over to my side. "Sakura, what's wrong?"

"H-He left… I made him leave," I managed to choke out between sobs. "I—I drove him away."

"Are you talking about Syaoran? He's sitting in the hallway with a battered up hand. What happened? We've been trying to reach you for hours but—" I didn't pay any attention to whatever she said. I was already on my feet and running out the door, with just one thought in mind; _Syaoran_. "Sakura! What's wrong? Where are you going?"

The expression on his face as I threw myself into his arms, taking him by surprise, was all the reassurance in the world that I needed _to believe_. He'd been just as afraid and lost as I was; that much I knew. Just as my arms found their way around his neck, his found my waist, and we held onto each other like tomorrow could never touch us.

"I thought you left," I cried into his chest.

"I'm sorry… I lost my temper so I had to leave the room," he said most soothingly. "But I swear _on my life_ that nothing happened—you have to believe me."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

I had been wrong.

I didn't need all of him—I just needed him. _For now_.

And the rest….?

…I had 'forever' to work on it.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

July 20—the day I'd never forget.

"Sakura, you are the most beautiful bride ever!" squealed Chiharu.

I smiled. "Thank you."

"We went to say hello to the boys before coming here," said Rika. "Your groom looks dashing even with a bandaged hand, but I have to wonder how you're going to get that ring on him. Are you sure he didn't damage his left hand on purpose?"

"I can hear you badmouthing me a mile away." Syaoran stood in the doorway with a big grin on his face. '_Dashing_' didn't even begin to do justice to how good he looked in the white tuxedo with his hair slicked back, a few strands working free from the rest and framing his face in the most perfect, indescribable way. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks as his gaze burned into me; there was no doubt that despite Chiharu and Rika being in the room with us, his eyes were on me and me alone. I smiled at him and he smiled back, though the intensity of his gaze never wavered. I diverted my eyes to the floor before I could turn into a tomato from him staring at me so obviously.

Meiling chose that moment to appear behind Syaoran and slapped him on the arm. "Oh stop it already! I know she looks great but don't look at her like you want to burn the dress off with your eyes—sheesh!"

Syaoran faked a cough. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said. "Where's Hisashi? I thought you were with him."

"Running away from his Best Man duties—that's where he is." She then turned to address Chiharu and Rika, "The photographer isn't here yet and Naoko is spitting fireballs."

Chiharu let out an exasperated groan. "Mission: tame the beast. We'll get right on that."

"Syaoran, you should leave too," said Meiling after the other two had left. "It's considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the ceremony, and with all that's going on right now, we need all the luck we can get. Well, I guess it's too late to worry about that now."

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Nothing we can't control. Don't worry about it." She gave me a reassuring smile, and I drew some strength from how calm she looked. "It's your big day so you just sit there and relax. I'll leave you two alone and go into the back room—just pretend I'm not there."

"I should probably go before Kaho-san sees me here anyway," Syaoran said.

"Did you need something?" I asked.

"No…" He smiled. "I only wanted to see you for a minute. I'll see you out there in a bit, okay?"

He headed for the door, turning his head to look at me one last time before disappearing into the hallway. I wasn't quite sure what the look he gave me meant.

I picked up my dress and chased after him. "Syaoran, wait!"

He stopped in his tracks and waited for me to catch up to him.

"Is something wrong?" I asked. "You look like you really needed to tell me something."

"No, nothing of the sort," he responded shortly. "I just—I…I don't know why but I felt like I needed to see you. I'm probably just out of it from lack of sleep last night—I shouldn't have made Hisashi my Best Man after all. Don't worry, I'm fine."

"Last night was our first time being apart in years. I didn't like it very much—being apart, that is. I'm really glad that I got to see you before the ceremony," I told him.

"Yeah… You look breathtaking by the way." He leaned forward just barely enough for our foreheads to touch. "Since I broke one tradition already, do you think it'll matter much if I break another one?"

Our lips slowly met, and everything else became sort of a blur; the only thing I could see was him and the only thing I could do was smile.

"I love you," he suddenly said, caressing one of my cheeks. I already knew that he loved me, he'd told me a number of times before but something in the way he said it sounded different this time. "I know I don't say it enough, but I really do—you're the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Syaoran…" I looked into his eyes.

"We've definitely caught the wedding bug." He chuckled, prompting me to giggle as well. He kissed the top of my head and said, "I'll see you at the altar, okay?"

I nodded. I watched him leave before heading back to the dressing room.

Meiling stood by the door. "Syaoran left?" she remarked casually, looking up from the magazine she was reading—well, pretending to read.

I tried not to smile.

"Your magazine is upside down."

Sticking her tongue at me, she tossed the magazine aside and asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Nervous," I admitted. There were so many 'what ifs' going through my head—_what if I trip? Or what if I forget my vow? What if marriage changes everything?_ And so on.

But at the same time, I was feeling a kind of happiness I couldn't begin to describe. Then I realized that I didn't get a chance to tell Syaoran that I loved him too. I knew that I didn't need to voice the words out loud for him to understand that I loved him; but just once I wanted to let my words speak louder than my actions.

"I'll be right back," I said to Meiling.

"Where are you going?" she asked as I headed out the door.

"I need to tell Syaoran something," I called back. She might've said something but I was already turning around the corner and couldn't hear her.

The walk to Syaoran's dressing room seemed like I was in one of those never ending hallways, when in reality his dressing room was only just around the corner from mine. My mind wandered to how I was going to tell Syaoran that I loved him. It wasn't that I hadn't told him how I felt before; it was just that he'd always been the one to say it first, so I was usually given the easier task of replying "me too" or "I love you more". I tried to remember all the times he'd told me that he loved me. The holidays, our anniversary, my birthday, his birthday…

I slowed down subconsciously. _Was that it_? I asked myself. Had there not been any other time? Had we only told each other how we felt out of expectation?

Wasn't I also feeling _obligated_ to express my feelings to him then and there?

A loud but very short bang snapped me from my thoughts. I looked around, confused; only to realize a moment later when another bang sounded off that it was coming from Syaoran's dressing room.

I ran down the hallway to his dressing room and swung the door open. I was greeted by the sight of Syaoran's mother standing in the middle of the room, a terrified look on her face, her body visibly shaking, and her breaths quickly becoming more erratic. A black object dropped from her hand and hit the carpeted floor with a thud; I felt as though I was watching said object fall in slow motion—a gun. I stepped further into the room, my worst fears slowly seeping out of my paranoid nightmares and materializing before my very eyes.

"Syaoran?" I called out, my voice sounding hoarse to my own ears. He didn't move from where he lay face down on the carpet, nor did he make a sound. "Please answer me… Syaoran?"

_Nothing_.

A small pool of blood formed around his head.

Something stirred inside of me—something feral and vengeful, like a dormant beast had woken from its slumber. I charged at his mother with every ounce of strength in my body, crying out in blind rage as I knocked her to the ground. My hands wrapped as tightly as they could around her throat. She struggled and clawed at my hands while kicking and wiggling in an effort to push me off. Her face turned white and she gasped for air. The sound of her choking brought a kind of satisfaction I could not explain.

She grabbed the side of my face this time, her nails digging into my skin. I refused to let go however. I tightened my grip and used all my strength to crush her delicate neck between my fingers. I couldn't stop. I wanted to choke her until I heard something snap. That '_something'_ being my sanity.

A sharp pain exploded through my body as she dragged her nails down the side of my face in a slow, torturous motion, as if by deliberation. And in the midst of this agonizing pain, from somewhere deep inside, all the pain, all the rage, all the stupor, and all the misery of losing Syaoran just burst out of me in a gut-wrenching cry; the tears flowed like rivers down my cheeks. I was suddenly so aware of the situation: Syaoran was dead.

She took the opportunity to push me off, and I went tumbling backward on the floor. She sat up, coughing and gasping for air. "You—" She sneered. "You think you can just waltz in and wreck my home? You think you can entice him with your youth? I know he's going to leave you one day, like he's left me. He's a man. He won't remember the promises you two have made together when someone younger and prettier comes along. That's what men do. They lie and they cheat…then they leave you."

She scrambled to her feet.

"Stay away from him!" I shouted when she walked towards Syaoran's body.

Laughing strangely, she disregarded my words and said, "I gave him a choice. I told him I'd forgive him if he comes back—that we can be a family again. He wants nothing to do with me, to cut all ties—so isn't it fair that I take back what I gave him? No… no, it isn't fair. It isn't his fault. He didn't know any better—he was tricked. By you… by home-wreckers like yourself. It should've been you!"

She suddenly spun around and lunged herself at me.

I quickly grabbed the gun she'd dropped earlier and fired a shot in her direction, praying to God I hadn't missed.

Her body seemed to freeze, and she didn't know what was happening till she hit the floor. For a minute it seemed like she wasn't moving at all, so I went to check on her. She looked up at me with that condescending smile of hers and said, "Even in the afterlife, you come second."

I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger again. And again, and again, and again. Even after all the bullets were gone.

I didn't open my eyes—or stop pulling the trigger—until a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around me and the gun was pulled out of my hand. Yue-san held me in his arms, his gaze never leaving Syaoran's still body. I looked over his shoulder and saw Meiling standing in the doorway with a hand over her mouth, tears silently pouring out of her eyes. Hisashi stood next to her, his eyes widening in horror as various other emotions played across his face.

_What have I done_?

"Hisashi, Meiling—listen to me and listen well," Yue-san was the first to speak. "Sakura has been in her dressing room this entire time. I don't want another soul to know that she wasn't."

When his words finally sunk in, I shook my head vigorously, pushing myself from his arms. "No, no, no, no!"

Yue-san grabbed my shoulders and shook me, urging me to snap out of it and look at him. "I can't let anything happen to you—do you understand that? Syaoran and your brother will curse me in the netherworld if I let anything happen to you."

"But I—I—" …_I should take responsibility for my actions_, I wanted to say. I'd known what I was doing; I just didn't think of the consequences.

"It's the least I can do for Syaoran," the silver-haired man said very quietly. "It's the least I can do for not being able to do anything. Don't rob me of that consolation, Sakura."

Everything else that happened afterwards became a hazy memory in the back of my mind. The police came, and the wedding guests were sent home. Kaho-san and the girls were there to comfort me, but nothing they said or did could give me solace—a part of me felt dead inside. I stood in a corner as I watched Syaoran's body being handled as though he was an object that could be kicked over onto his back.

"He's not a dead possum you find on the side of road!" I yelled across the room. Everyone stopped; all eyes on me. The middle-aged man who'd introduced himself earlier as Clow Reed motioned for someone else to handle Syaoran's body.

"I apologize for my subordinate's insensitivity," he said sincerely. He then turned to address Yue-san, who stood next to me, "So—correct me if I'm wrong—the groom was already dead when you found him and his mother with a gun in her hand. She then attacked you, and in self-defense, you wrestled for control of the gun, which resulted in an accidental firing. Is that right?"

"Yes," Yue-san replied curtly.

Reed-san glanced at me for a second. I didn't miss the brief, suspecting flicker in his eyes, and noticing that I'd caught him staring, a warm expression fell over his face. "A lot of things don't add up," he remarked, his eyes still on me. "I won't say what's on my mind—only what the evidence tells me. I've known you for a long time, Yue. I know what you are capable of, what you can and cannot do—I _trained_ you when you were still in the academy. So, I'll ask you again. Is that what actually happened?"

"Yes."

"One time is accidental—five is murder. You are under arrest for the death of Li Yelan." My chest tightened, the air constricted as his words repeated in my head over and over again like a broken record. He continued, "You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."

_No,_ I screamed in my mind. This wasn't right—nothing about this was right. It was me… I was the murderer.

As if sensing my distress, Meiling took my arm into hers, squeezing it lightly.

"You have the right to speak to an attorney and to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?"—Yue-san nodded—"You may invoke these rights at any time."

Reed-san looked at me one last time as if silently asking if this was what I wanted—if I was sure that I could live the rest of my life knowing an innocent man's life was ruined because of me.

"You should be looking at me only," Yue-san said to the other man. "You know what your duties are."

"Turn around and put your hands behind your back, please." Reed-san reached for his handcuffs and slipped them from his belt. He motioned for another officer to take Yue-san away after handcuffing him.

"Clow…" Yue-san gave Reed-san a look that I did not understand.

Sighing, the other man lowered his eyes and said, quietly, "I'll talk to forensics. A life for a life, I no longer owe you for saving me that one time."

Yue-san allowed himself to be led away. Strangely, he seemed somewhat relaxed and at eased.

The last thing I saw was a small smile on his face.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

For the past month, Syaoran's death hadn't yet registered permanently in my mind.

Everyone did everything that they could to keep my mind off the tragedy. Rika asked if I wanted move in with her since she was just living by herself, but I chose to stay at the apartment—_our _apartment, despite everyone's insistence that it was best if I didn't stay there by myself, that being there would only bring back unwanted memories. Those memories were all that I had left of him though, so I didn't mind as much if they reminded me of him every waking second. At least in those memories, he was with me.

I dreamed of him every night. At first, the dreams didn't feel too far off from reality, for I knew that Syaoran was dead; yet, in this inception like slumber, his world and mine could somehow merge into one and we were together once again, even if it was only a fleeting illusion.

In my dreams, I saw myself walking beside him. I would look down at our hands, wanting nothing more than to grasp his in mine—hesitant at the same time, fearing that, just like in real life, he too would disappear from my dreams and I'd truly be left with nothing.

But one smile from him was all the strength in the world I needed to cast aside all my worries and fears. I would grab his hand, and in that moment, everything would feel right again.

However, as one day after the next passed by, the dreams felt more and more like reality while reality seemed like an ongoing nightmare.

I didn't want to ever wake up.

"Sakura?"

I opened my eyes slowly at the sound of Meiling's voice.

She stroked my hair then grabbed a tissue from the night-table and wiped my cheeks. Had I been crying? I didn't remember.

"Get up and eat something," she said gently.

I shook my head and pulled the sheets over my neck, rolling on my side to face her. "Not hungry," I mumbled.

"Please? You haven't eaten all day. Eat a little, and then you can go back to sleep."

"I'm really not hungry," I said, a little softer this time.

"Do you feel sick?"

"Just tired. I'll eat when I have an appetite—I promise."

"Did you try to see Yue-san again today?" she asked. She only needed to look at my facial expression to get the answer. "He rejected visitation again, huh. I'm sure he's not doing it because he doesn't want to see you."

Yue-san pled guilty of voluntary manslaughter and was sentenced fifteen years without parole. It had been a closed hearing, and out of sympathy, the judge had allowed me to testify in her chambers, with the district attorney and defense attorney both present in the room. Lying under oath had been one of the most difficult things I had to do in life, if not the second most difficult—the most difficult being getting on with my life after Syaoran. But, as Reed-san had kindly worded it before the hearing started, I had to do what I had to do. After the hearing, Reed-san passed along a message from Yue-san for my ears only telling me not to go visit him, that he would not see me before his sentence was up.

The subliminal message was clear: _live_.

"I'll probably cancel my flight next week," the other girl continued saying, quietly. "And stay here with you, that is. I've already talked to Kaho-san about it, and she's okay with me doing that."

I sat up and took her hands in mine. "Go back. You found a wonderful job over there. You giving that up will only add more guilt onto my shoulders."

"I can find jobs here too," she reasoned. "You're still so out of it from Syaoran's death—you don't want to talk about how you feel, you don't cry, you sleep all the time—I really don't want you to be by yourself. I…I don't want Flame to come back."

Of course…

Raven was gone. So were Pi and Heroin. Abyss no longer existed.

It only made sense that Flame should, too, disappear.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"Sakura-chan, take the day off," my boss said to me one morning. After Meiling went back to America, I asked my boss to let me start working again. I found that if I kept my body busy, my mind would follow suit. "I can't sit here and watch you work yourself like this."

"I'm fine. Really, I am. I don't need to take any more time off," I assured her.

"Take an extended vacation and come back only when you're ready. The office will survive without you for another month or two."

She didn't leave any room for objection. And, once again, I found myself pondering over dreams versus reality.

When I told the others during lunch that I was temporarily out of a job, Naoko suggested, "Why don't you go visit Meiling? I can go with you! I love New York! And you already have tickets!"

Oh…right. Syaoran and I were supposed to go there for our honeymoon.

Hisashi flicked the girl's forehead and told her to think before opening her God awful mouth.

"I'm sorry, Sakura…" Naoko said remorsefully. "I didn't mean to."

"It's okay, I'm fine." I gave her a weak smile.

A voice said in my head: _No, you're not_…

The voice sounded awfully similar to Syaoran's.

_Stop it, Sakura_—I told myself—_don't do this to yourself._

"Are you visiting Yue-san again today?" asked Chiharu. "Did he ever say why he doesn't want to see anybody?"

Hisashi looked at me briefly.

He and I had never actually talked about what happened that day. He never asked me for the full story, and I was grateful that he hadn't. Sometimes I wondered how he could still treat me the same as always while knowing that I was a murderer…and a coward.

"I was going to go after meeting up with you guys," I answered Chiharu's first question, purposely ignoring the second one.

"I'll go with you," Hisashi said.

"We'd love to see him, too," added Rika.

"We don't know if he'll come out," I said. "And I think seven people are too many."

Takashi agreed with me. "Give Yue-san our best wishes if you guys see him."

I already knew I wouldn't be able to see Yue-san. I knew that he'd stay true to his words and would not see me until his sentence was up—I didn't go to the penitentiary center thinking that I would be able to see him. I went because every time a guard told me that Yue-san didn't accept visitors, I'd be reminded of his last words to me and feel as though I was going down the right path.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

Hisashi and I left the penitentiary center feeling neither disappointed nor resigned. We'd expected as much. He took me home and I invited him in for a drink.

"Forgive me if I upset you by saying this—" He was walking about the apartment as if searching for something. "—but it might not be a bad idea for you to visit Meiling. Get out of this place for a while, that kind of thing."

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"Sometimes I can't help but wonder if you're really 'fine' as you so often say." He stopped in front of the side table and picked up the picture that I had lying facedown. It was a picture of Syaoran and me from our high school graduation. "Everyone else don't feel right bringing up this subject so soon, especially since it hasn't even been two months, so I'll just be the bad guy here. Have you thought of moving on—like, see someone else? I don't mean now or as soon as possible, but more like in the far future."

I… I couldn't picture myself being with anyone else besides Syaoran.

The thought of letting another man touch me, hold me, and kiss me the way that Syaoran once did felt _so_ wrong.

Noticing where my thoughts were leading me, Hisashi quickly said, "Forget what I said. I wasn't suggesting that you should move on by seeing someone else. I meant to ask if you see a possibility of that happening in the future. I just think that you're lonely and you don't even know it."

His words surprised me.

I suppose… To some degree, I was lonely.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't find myself feeling utterly alone waking up in the dead of the night finding the other side of the bed empty, only to stare into the darkness until I fell back to sleep, and then opening my eyes in the morning, half expecting to see a pair of amber eyes smiling at me.

How could I not be lonely?

"After my father passed away, I left home for a while," Hisashi continued slowly. "It felt weird to suddenly live with my mother and Takashi… I didn't feel like I was at home. So I left, travelling here and there with what little money I had in my savings—granted, I didn't have much so my destinations were very limited. But my goal wasn't to travel far, nor did I want to run away from reality."

"What was your goal?"

"I was looking for a sign—something to tell me that I was going to be okay, that everything will be alright again, and that I can finally move on with my life. And till I found that sign, it was okay for me to admit that I was still lost somewhere, still trying to get back on the right path."

"What was the sign?" I asked.

A soft smile graced his lips as he said, "I missed my mother and Takashi terribly, and in my mind, I started to refer to wherever they were as _home_. And one day, all my pain seemed to just disappear, as if by magic."

He placed the picture back where he found it; setting it upright.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I took Hisashi's advice and decided to visit Meiling and Kaho-san in America after all.

"Okay, the cab is downstairs," Rika announced, getting off the phone.

I nodded. "Thanks for coming with me, Rika."

"I should be thanking you for this opportunity!" the other girl exclaimed excitedly. "It's a shame I had to beat Naoko in rocks, paper, scissors but a girl gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Do you have everything?"

I set my luggage by the door and said, "Yeah. I'll be right back though—I need to use the restroom real quick."

I went to the bathroom and I'd just sat down on the toilet when I noticed very light brown spotting on my panties. My very first thought was it couldn't have been my period because my period had always been the first week of every month for as long as I could remember. I realized then that I was late on my cycle and hadn't had a clue when my last period was.

Last month? No.

The month before? I didn't recall having my cycle then either.

…the day before he was supposed to move out for the wedding…we didn't use protection.

Oh gosh…

I went back out into the living room calling out, "Rika!"

She looked at me with worry. "What's wrong?"

"I…I think I'm pregnant." I didn't know where to go from there.

"W-What!?"

I told her about the spotting, how I was late, and how Syaoran and I didn't use protection the last time we had intercourse.

Rika confirmed my worst fear.

"We need to get you to the hospital now," she said.

The impact of what it meant if I was indeed pregnant didn't hit me until I was by myself in the examination room. Rika had stepped out to call Kaho-san to let her know why we couldn't catch our flight. The doctor had come in earlier, and after hearing all that he needed to know, he left saying that he'd be back in a minute to do the ultrasound.

The room was cold—_freezing cold_—and as I lay there, I prayed. The most difficult thing for me to do then was to think about the _what-ifs_. Ironically, I was more worried about being pregnant than _not_ being pregnant.

The door opened, and the doctor walked in with Rika and the nurse who'd brought me to into this room earlier.

"Sorry for the wait. We'll get started now. Nurse Shimizu is here to observe and assist me with the procedure," the doctor said. "She is going to lift your shirt just a little above your abdomen and apply a gel over your stomach. You will feel a very cold sensation."

The doctor took over once the nurse stepped away after she was done.

I stared at the screen a few feet away from me as I held tightly onto Rika's hands; my breath had stopped completely. I saw a lot of black and white—none of it made any sense to me. And then, just when I thought I could perhaps breathe again, I saw it...

…my baby.

My beautiful baby—my last connection to Syaoran.

A gift the Holy Heaven had bestowed upon me.

I should've been happy… I should've cried tears of joy… but I didn't.

Rika's grip on my hand tightened. She, too, knew just as well as I did—way before the doctor even said it.

"I'm sorry, Miss Kinomoto…" he said apologetically, "…I can't find a heartbeat."

Despite that I'd already known what he was going to say, I couldn't stop myself from bursting into uncontrollable tears. Words could not begin to describe the pain I felt then.

The only thought I had running through my mind was: _It's my fault_.

"I'd say you were about 12 weeks into your pregnancy," he continued slowly. So that meant I was already pregnant before Syaoran passed away. "I know you are in a time of grief and do not need to hear this right now, but I have to let you know of the options that are available to you."

"Options?" I managed to choke out.

"You can choose to remove the product of conception through a surgical procedure, or let nature runs its course."

I could only gape at the man, a little appalled and somewhat irritated.

I wanted to scream and yell at him that it was my baby, not a _product_ of anything.

Then again, I had no right to call myself its mother when I couldn't even tell I had a life growing inside of me.

"It's not your fault." Rika held onto me. "You had the wedding to plan and then everything that happened afterwards. It's not your fault, Sakura—it is _not_ your fault."

I could feel her tears falling onto my skin.

"It's not your fault," she repeated, like she felt as though I needed to hear those words more than anything else at the moment. "It's not your fault."

The doctor said a few more things afterwards but I couldn't hear a word of anything he'd said. My mind was elsewhere.

At one point I was angry at him, then the world, then God. I was just very, very angry. In reality, I only had myself to be angry be at, but I couldn't help projecting my anger; it just felt so natural to blame my misery on other people than to admit that I'd brought everything upon myself.

I was angry at everyone who had told me that everything would be alright. Nothing was alright. Everything in my life was wrong—so, so wrong.

And I was angry at Syaoran.

Why did he have to leave me alone? Didn't we promise to go through thick and thin together? So why…why the hell was I going through _this_ alone? And if he was watching over me like so many people had told me in past month, then why was I in so much pain?

Rika took me home shortly after and I was immediately put to bed. Naoko, Chiharu and the guys came over as soon as they could; not many words were exchanged, and I was glad none of them said _I'm sorry for your loss_. There was a moment when I looked at Hisashi and our eyes met, and I desperately wanted to ask him where was that _stupid_ sign.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

Nearly a week passed, the baby had not passed through my body, or as the doctor put it: my body had yet to clean itself of the fetus.

I started experiencing very mild cramping at first, nothing I couldn't handle. The pain worsened by the end of the week and I found myself staying in bed most of the time. Then one night I woke up curling into a ball and burying my face into my knees because it hurt so much. I found the willpower to get up and walk to the bathroom after feeling a constant urge to pee, and I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

As soon as I sat down, it was as if my body had taken over and I could feel myself subconsciously concentrating all of my strength into my lower half and _pushing_…

A feeling of relief flushed through me, and at the same, a _splash_ was heard.

I couldn't look down… I sat there for the longest time, not knowing what to do next.

I was terrified.

An hour passed, then two…then three and four. I would hear a constant '_drip, drip_' and I knew I was bleeding, but I didn't care. I didn't care if I bled to death—in fact, the implications of that thought didn't sound like such a bad thing.

The morning light was already shining through the window when I finally stood up, and gathering what little courage I had within me, I turned around and looked down.

And there _it_ was—sinking in a pool of blood at the bottom of the toilet bowl was my baby.

My baby was about five centimeters long. He had a little head, little arms and legs, and very tiny fingers and toes. Even at such an early stage, I could tell he would've looked just like his father.

Scooping up the baby, I held him gently in the palm of my hand.

He was so small.

So beautiful and precious, like a gem.

"I'm sorry," I said to him. "Mommy is sorry."

I died that day.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_in the future/present_…)

"Sakura, you're finally here!" Meiling exclaims at the sight of me entering the room.

I walk over to the hospital bed and take her hand, placing a kiss on her knuckles "You look as lovely as ever."

She lets out a huff of air. "Don't give me that, Sakura. I'm 71—I know I'm old as dirt. Ran did not come?"

"He didn't feel right leaving Shuri and the baby alone by themselves. But he sends his regards. He says for you to get well soon and come hold your first great-nephew." I pull out a picture of the baby from my purse and show it to her. "Meiling, meet Yuuga."

"So precious! He is the spitting image of his father. It's obvious you are going to be such a doting grandmother, Sakura."

"Shuri already limits how much time I get to spend with the baby. She says because I spoiled Ran to the point of no return, she can only hope to save her son from sharing the same terrible faith."

Meiling laughs. "Yue always did like that girl."

"She reminds him of Syaoran," I say. "Shuri was affected by Yue's death more than any of us."

Meiling gives my hand a light squeeze. "At least he got to see his great-grandson."

Yue passed away with a smile on his face after seeing the baby. He was bedridden in the hospital for an entire month, and I spent every day with him by his bedside. We both knew it was just a matter of time, but we didn't talk about him dying or anything along that line—instead, we discussed how we were going to fix up the garden in the backyard, build a small koi pond under the cherry blossom tree, and various other things. We looked at the future rather than the present. I wanted to let him know that I was going to be just fine.

It's scary to not have him by my side, to suddenly go at it all on my own, but strangely enough, I don't feel lonely at all.

"And how's the search for Ran's biological parents going?"

I shake my head in response. I quietly add, "He doesn't want to disrupt their lives, he just wants to know if they're alive or not."

After leaving Tomoeda, Yue and I traveled to different parts of the country. We couldn't see the world together, so we explored Japan instead. One day, we were passing through a small town in the countryside of Kyoto, when a shrill cry coming from a ditch on the side of the road put a stop to our journey. When the local police shook their heads and said the word 'abandoned', Yue and I looked at each other, and we just knew…

We found what we were looking for.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Meiling asks with a smile. I nod and she continues slowly, "I try not to let Cheri know, but I'm kind of relieved… I've missed Ken terribly in the past five years."

As sad as I am to see her looking so frail and weak, I'm also very happy for her.

…And envious.

Thankfully, she decides to change the subject and says, "But ah! I was so excited to see you that I forgot to ask about Ayami. Shouldn't she be with you?"

"She's on the phone with Cheri right outside," I explain. "I wanted to drop by and see you first before going to the house."

She slaps my hand lightly. "You old coot, don't forget that you're older than me. Now get some rest, you're going to be jetlagged for days. Don't exhaust yourself worrying over me—I'm still strong enough to wrestle a bear!"

"Of course you are, Nana!" Ayami enters the room, laughing. "Are you ready to go, Obasan? The cab's meter is running. We'll all come back in a few hours, Nana—with really delicious food."

"And that's why you're my favorite granddaughter."

"I'm your _only_ granddaughter." Ayami rolls her eyes, but the affection is evident in her voice. She kisses Meiling goodbye after saying, "I'll plot with Obasan to bring you some dessert."

Meiling and I laugh. I tell Meiling that I'd see her soon. "I'm really glad you came," she says. "To be able to call you 'sister' is the best thing that happened to me."

"Same here."

"I just wanted to let you know that, in case I haven't already. Bye."

"…It's not goodbye. Only 'see you later'."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_back to the past_…)

"Sakura?! Sakura, please open up!"

I could hear them screaming and banging loudly on the front door.

"Naoko, shut up!" Hisashi yelled on the other side, clearly upset. "Crying won't make up for your stupid mistake."

"I thought she was sleeping so I stepped out to take a phone call. I realized right away I forgot to grab the keys so I turned around but she'd already locked the door—I'm not stupid! You think I don't already know that if anything happens then it's my fault!?"

…they'd been arguing a lot lately.

Actually, everyone had been acting a little differently, almost like they'd all changed into a whole different person overnight.

Hisashi became easily irritated. Naoko was no longer her usual blunt, carefree self. Takashi talked less, and even Chiharu and Rika had become more sullen. Yukito-san came by almost every day now. Every time he looked at me, I felt as though he was looking at someone else entirely.

It had started with Rika and Chiharu finding me in my apartment that faithful morning. I had filled the tub with cold water before stepping in with my baby cradled to my chest. Slitting my wrist with a carving knife, I'd waited for Syaoran to come for the baby and me.

They took my baby from me.

'_He needs a resting place_,' they had said.

They'd then taken me home from the hospital and kept a close watch on me. After a second attempt at suicide by strangling myself with a belt, they'd moved me back to my old apartment where there was enough space for the girls to stay with me at all hours—all sharp and breakable objects, medicines, and chemicals were removed from the apartment; it was as safe as it could be.

And that was my very dilemma at the moment.

"SAKURA!"

I drowned out their voices.

Looking around, I tried to look for anything that could've been useful to me. Nothing.

Then an idea came to me. It was crazy…but it might've just been what I needed.

Grabbing a kitchen chair, I went into the bathroom and hurled said object at the mirror, which promptly shattered into a million pieces. Picking up a big piece of glass, I slashed it across my wrist, hissing at the pain and watching the blood seep from my skin like an endless river. I cut another line on my wrist, and another one, and another one, and another one.

_This won't do_, I thought. It was taking too long.

I didn't have much time before _they_ ruin everything.

So I did what I had to do.

Bringing the piece of glass to my throat, I closed my eyes and wished for Death.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

"You stupid, selfish girl!" cried Meiling when I opened my eyes. Her hand left a stinging pain on my cheek. "The only thing that's stopping me from killing you right now is the fact that I'll be doing you a huge favor. How could you, Sakura? Do you not care how I would even feel!?"

"H-How…" I tried to say but my voice didn't come out as words.

"You missed your jugular," she said, almost sneer-like. "Are you disappointed?"

_Yes_…

She saw the answer on my face. "I hate you…" she started to say quietly. "If anything had happened, I don't think I could've forgiven you. No, I know that I would've hated you for as long as I live. Did you know, Sakura? I've never felt as worthless as I did when I got Chiharu's phone call—not even when my father had used me like a sex doll, not when other kids picked on me growing up, not when Touya died and I knew it was because of me, not when you and Syaoran found each other and deep down I felt as though I was somehow left out, not when I moved to America and I was pretending to be okay but really, I was lonely and so afraid of the foreign environment, not when Syaoran died and I couldn't do a damn thing to make it better for you, or even when I found out I won't be able to hold my nephew."

_I'm sorry_… _I'm so sorry…_ I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her how I was a weak woman.

I'd always been weak.

I'd always needed someone to be there for me, to hold me up like a pillar.

First, it was Touya, and after him I had Syaoran. But Touya was gone, Syaoran was gone, and the baby was gone… There was nobody.

"You're not the only one hurting." She had such a painful look on her face. "Look around you, Sakura. Everyone is hurting just as much as you. You're not the only one who has lost someone dear and important to you—whereas you lost Syaoran and the baby we lost both of them _and_ you."

"M-Mei—" I cursed my inability to speak. I didn't want her to cry.

She cleared her throat to force back the tears. "Kaho-san is putting you into a psychiatric facility," she said. "I don't like the idea. But the others should be able to move on with their own lives and I don't want to force you into leaving Japan…so I've agreed."

Knowing that I couldn't speak, she continued, "I should let you know that there will not be a next time. If there is, I won't be coming to you. I can't have you break my heart over and over again… not like this. You will forever be my beloved sister—but this is it, Sakura."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

White.

Everywhere I looked was white.

The walls were white, the bed was white, the robes were white—everything was white.

Everyone had left me behind.

I wasn't wanted anymore. No one wanted me. I was thrown away.

"Hi!" an elderly man wearing a white robe like me stood in the doorway of my room. "Are you new? What's your name?"

"Go away," I said, not bothering to move from where I was sitting on the bed.

However, he continued to stand there. "You look like my granddaughter."

"Go away!" I shouted at him. All of a sudden, his face scrunched up and he started wailing. A nurse ran over and led him away.

I didn't want anything to do with those people; we had nothing in common. They were there because they weren't normal…they weren't sane. I was normal. I was just there because no one wanted me. I was a nuisance, not a lunatic.

I was alone.

I was finally alone.

I cried out but no one came to me—no one heard me. Not Meiling. Not Kaho-san. Not Hisashi. Not Rika. Not Yukito-san. Not Chiharu. Not Naoko. Not Takashi.

_I'm here, Sakura_… a voice said in my head. _I've always been here with you_.

And as if by magic, _he_ appeared before my eyes. Walking through the doorway, he looked just as amazing as the last time I saw him with his mesmerizing amber eyes and chocolate brown hair. He smiled seeing the bewildered look on my face.

"I've missed you," he said.

"I-Is it really you?" I asked; afraid to touch him. He took my hand and gently grazed it across his cheek. It _was_ him.

He trailed his fingers over the scar on my neck. "Oh, Sakura… What have you done to yourself? Promise me you won't do this to yourself anymore."

I wanted to do nothing more than jump into his arms and pour my heart out to him, but I wasn't about to waste the precious time I'd been given with him on such trivial things. I leaned against him and quickly sunk into the embrace, taking in his ever so familiar scent of oil and musk.

"I'm just glad you're here," I said into his chest. "But where's our baby?"

"He's sleeping," he replied with a smile.

"Isn't he beautiful? He looks like you."

"Did you pick a name?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Not yet. I didn't know what you'd like."

"I was thinking _Tsubasa_."

"Li Tsubasa… I like it." Letting out a yawn, I snuggled closer to him. "When he wakes up, please let me see him."

He stroked my hair soothingly. "You're tired. Go to sleep."

"Syaoran?"

"Hm?"

"You'll be here when I wake up, right? Promise me you won't leave me again. Stay with me forever."

"I'll stay as long as you need me to, Sakura."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…2 years later…)

"Sakura, do you have everything?" Kaho-san asked.

I looked around the room one last time, there really weren't anything in this utterly white room that belonged to me, and those that did, didn't mean a thing.

"I'm sorry, Sakura," the other woman said. "I know you're upset, but one of these days you'll see that this is for your own good."

…Perhaps…

But at the moment I didn't see how taking me away from everything that I'd ever loved was considered _good_ for me.

"Sakura, say something, _please_."

I wondered where Syaoran was. He just disappeared one day, and hadn't come back since. Didn't he know that they were going to take me far, far away? Why hadn't he come to save me? Had _they_ done something to him? Did they tell him to leave me alone? That must have been it—it was the only logical explanation as to why he would leave me by myself without so much as a goodbye.

"Come on," she beckoned me with her hand. "Everyone is waiting outside to see you."

She took my luggage and led the way to the main lobby. The girls hugged me as soon as they saw me. They all said something along the line of 'get well' and 'come back soon'. After they pulled away one by one, Takashi stepped forward and hugged me as well. Then Yukito-san—who told me he would visit occasionally. And finally, Hisashi… We didn't hug.

Leaning down, he chastely kissed the pulse beating on my neck just above my scar; I didn't know if the gasp came from me or one—possibly all of who was watching the scene. He then whispered into my ear, "I'm studying at an aviator academy in my free time. I hope to show that person my world one day. Can you keep this a secret between us?" Straightening himself up, he smiled and said, "Take care."

I was neither happy nor sad to part with everyone. It wasn't that I simply didn't care—it would be more accurate to say I hadn't been able to _feel_ anything for a long time.

So they all might've been a little dejected from my cold departure. There wasn't a thing I could've done or said to make any of it better though. I didn't want to make any more promises.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

I hated America.

Kaho-san's work schedule overlapped so much it was hard to tell what time she left and when she came back exactly. It was normal to not see her at home days at a time, sometimes weeks. Meiling, too, left to go to work early in the morning, but she always came home before dinner time. So from seven in the morning to six in the evening, I was home alone with the nurse Kaho-san had hired to keep an eye on me. I'd told her that she had nothing to worry about because I'd promised Syaoran I wouldn't harm myself anymore, but hearing that had made her more upset than calm. I'd learned real quickly to not mention Syaoran in front of the woman.

"Sakura-chan, it's time for your medicine," the nurse said sweetly.

I turned my head from the window long enough to take the medicine and glass of water from her hands. Kaho-san had explained that the medicine would cure my hallucinations—if I had hallucinations to begin with. I popped the pills into my mouth, sliding them under my tongue before taking a gulp of water, and pretended to swallow them. After the nurse left, I spit the pills into the small crack between the couch and windowsill.

I went back to staring out the window. It was what I did every day—just sitting by the window and staring down into the street at the hundreds and thousands of people passing by every day. They all looked so busy. Did the people in this city _always_ move about like there weren't enough hours in a day?

The front door opened and closed, and Meiling came into the living room with the most irritated look on her face.

"What happened?" she guessed my thoughts. "Do you remember me telling you last week about this guy from daycare? He's been dropping off and picking up the twins every day so far, and it's irritating the heck out of me. Well, I wouldn't care if he comes to the daycare for the children, but he makes his ulterior motives so obvious. The other teachers have started teasing me, too—oh no, don't worry, they're all very friendly people."

She spent the next half hour or so talking about this man. There were so many things about him that irritated her and they had only been acquainted with each other for about a week.

"Every time I see his face, I have this sudden urge to kick him really hard. His voice makes my skin crawl. And what kind of stupid name is _Ken_?" She let out a frustrated scream. "I'm going to take a very long, soothing bath."

Once she left, I stared back out the window. This time, I didn't know what I was looking at exactly; everything seemed like a blur of motion.

"What are you thinking?" a deep voice said behind me, causing me to jump slightly.

I turned around to confirm what my ears already knew. _Syaoran_…

He greeted me with a smile. "Sorry I'm late. I got lost…apparently."

"So you didn't just leave me?" I asked.

Touching our heads together, he said, "I told you that I'm always watching you. Did you doubt me?"

"…Sakura?" Meiling interrupted before I could respond to Syaoran's question.

Surprisingly, Syaoran didn't vanish like the other times people had walked in while he and I were talking. I took it as a good thing.

"Can you see him, Meiling?" I asked; feeling quite elated. "Syaoran—he's standing right next to me. Can you see him?"

She opened her mouth to say something, but chose against it and just stood there staring at me for a minute or two.

"No, I can't see him," she said. I felt disappointed that she couldn't see him when he was just standing right there. I already knew what she was thinking—she was thinking that I'd become loony again. They all thought I was loony. But her next words surprised me. "Where did he go by the way?"

"He got lost," I replied.

She laughed and came to join me on the couch. "I wonder why I can't see him."

I turned to ask Syaoran, "Why is that?"

"You can see me because you need me," he said.

"What did he say?" asked Meiling.

"He says it's because you don't need him the way that I do," I answered.

"Of course that would be it…" she said, almost as if she was whispering to herself.

"Oh, I know! Meiling, tell Syaoran about the guy from daycare!" She hesitated. I held her hands into and said, "It's okay. Just talk to him like you used to—he's still the same old Syaoran, nothing about him has changed."

So she started to tell the story again, this time from the very beginning on how they'd met. I would interrupt occasionally to relate Syaoran's comments to her. The three of us had such a good time talking to and laughing with each other like how it used to be once upon a time, that we didn't even notice Kaho-san standing in the doorway with her arms crossed and a frown on her face.

"Meiling, can I talk to you in my office?" It was more of a command than a question. Kaho-san left without looking at me.

"I'll be right back," Meiling said to me before following Kaho-san out.

Moments later, I could hear their voices and every word they were saying.

"_Sakura's nurse called and said you two were acting strange, but I didn't expect to come home to that scene. What got into you, Meiling? You should've known better!"_

"_Didn't you see, Kaho-san? Not only did she talk again, but she was laughing!"_

"_She's hallucinating!"_

"_How do you know that? The things she tells me that he apparently said sound exactly like something Syaoran would say… And so what if everything is just her imagination? I'd rather have a delusional sister than one that sits by the window every day hoping she would somehow fall to her own death."_

"_You think I don't notice that longing look in her eyes? But this isn't the way, Meiling."_

"_So what you want to do is tell her every single day until she snaps out of it that her soon-to-be husband di—"_

Syaoran suddenly covered my ears. He shushed me when I wanted to speak.

"Not yet," he said. "You're not ready."

I didn't understand what he meant, and I found too much comfort in being so close to him that I couldn't care about Meiling and Kaho-san's conversation.

I had Syaoran again—nothing else mattered.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

Something about Syaoran was different.

Lately, he'd been making strange requests of me.

"Take the medicine, Sakura," he said.

"Why?" I asked; confused.

"You'll give Kaho-san a peace of mind if you do. She worries about you a lot you know."

"I do… but—"

"I promise nothing will happen to me if you take the medicine."

I started to take my medication regularly. Kaho-san thought I was _getting better_—what she'd called it—till I told her that I was only taking the medication to please her, and the reason I took the medication in the first place was because Syaoran had told me to. Something in Kaho-san changed after that. She didn't tell me to 'let Syaoran go' anymore. Instead, she dismissed my nurse saying that she trusted Syaoran to make sure I took my medication regularly; she even set a seat at the dinner table for him.

The place was livelier now, and I didn't sit by the window every day.

I'd even started going outside and exploring as much of the neighborhood as I could. Since Syaoran and I didn't really speak English, we didn't dare to venture any more than a block or two from the apartment without Meiling or Kaho-san. Meiling took us to Central Park every weekend, and eventually, Syaoran and I started to remember the way and were able to go to the park every day on our own.

"Syaoran, how old is Tsubasa now?" I asked him one day. We were walking through the park and I noticed a family of three enjoying a nice picnic by the pond.

"He's almost three. Would you like me to bring him to you?"

"No," I said. "Let him sleep a while longer."

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

It was Christmas Eve when I woke up in the middle of the night with a strange realization that I was in bed alone. Syaoran was sitting by the open window and gazing at the night sky like he was waiting for wings to sprout and carry him away to a paradise just beyond the horizon.

"Syaoran?" I called out to him.

"Hey…" He quickly came to my side. "Did you have another bad dream?"

"What are you doing out of bed?"

"Couldn't sleep," he said. "Christmas Eve always makes me restless."

"What's on your mind?"

He climbed into the bed and wrapped an arm around me. "I was just thinking this year the holidays aren't as nearly as exciting as when we were in Tomoeda. I wonder how the others are doing."

"Do you want to go back?"

"Don't you miss home, Sakura?"

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

_It came in a manila envelope_.

Meiling walked into the kitchen, carrying a stack of mail with her. "You have a packet from Tomoeda," she said to me. "It's from someone named Clow Reed."

I took a sip of coffee and set the Sunday paper down before taking the mail from her. I removed the content; it was a small recorder. I examined the packet carefully, thinking I might've missed or dropped a note of some kind. Nothing.

I hit the play button on the recorder. A voice I hadn't heard in such a long time said: _Don't visit me…_

The rest of the message became sort of a blur.

"Sakura, what's wrong?" asked Meiling with concern. "Isn't that Yue-san?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath and exhaling slowly. I replayed the message again, letting the words sink into my mind this time. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I saw a beautifully decorated wedding hall—empty. I also saw the gates of Tomoeda Penitentiary Center and a broken baby crib. All the pieces slowly came together.

When I opened my eyes, Syaoran was standing in the doorway with an inexplicable expression on his face.

"What does this mean?" I asked him.

"It means you're ready," he said simply.

"What do you mean ready?"

He didn't answer my question.

We gazed into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity till I finally spoke, "You're not real, are you?"

Shaking his head, he replied, "No, I am not."

"Are you even Syaoran's spirit?"

"Close your eyes," he said.

I was afraid to.

"Sakura, close your eyes," he said again. "You will be just fine—I promise. Close your eyes and count to three."

And so I closed my eyes.

"Sakura, what's happening?" I heard Meiling's confused voice say, and slowly opened my eyes.

Syaoran was gone.

I wanted to ask if anyone knew where he went, but a part of me stopped myself.

"I…" I pushed myself up from the table. "I'm going to lie down for a bit."

"Are you feeling okay? What just happened?"

"I just need to rest for a bit, I'll be fine."

I wasn't exactly sure how I'd found the strength to walk to my room and climb into bed; but I did. And I just slept.

It wasn't even that I felt particularly depressed; more like I was lying dormant while waiting for something, whatever it was. Well, in this case, it was me—a part of me I'd lost many years ago to be more exact.

I woke up from my slumber not knowing how long I'd slept. It felt like I'd been asleep for days, but it wasn't even noon when I woke up. Not a lot went through my mind then. For the longest time, I just lay still and stared at the ceiling, filled with a strange sense of void; yet, at the same time I felt something else rising up inside of me, like a phoenix from the ashes.

Long past noon I heard what seemed like cautious footsteps outside my bedroom door.

"Come in," I called out. The footsteps ceased and Meiling poked her head through the door a few seconds later.

"May I come in?" she asked.

She walked into the room and sat on the edge of my bed. I could tell there were so many things she wanted to ask but didn't know how or where to begin.

I broke the silence with, "Syaoran's gone."

"Oh."

"He's not coming back, is he?"

"…no, I'm afraid not."

"Why did you go along with me?"

"I think…" She paused momentarily. "In addition to wanting you to be happy, a part of me also wants to believe that Syaoran is still with us."

"I feel like I've just woken up from a very long dream," I said. "And I feel strangely relieved."

"How did you _wake up_? I'm still a little confused about what happened this morning."

I told her that I didn't know how—it had just happened. Perhaps it was the sound of Yue-san's voice. Perhaps it was the forgotten implication behind his message. Or, perhaps, it was just the right time. I really didn't know.

I just knew that I'd been selfish long enough.

I wasn't that little girl anymore; I needed to grow up.

Reed-san had reminded me of that. I had no clue as to why he'd sent me Yue-san's recorded message—whether Yue-san had asked him to or if he'd done it of his own accord—but I was glad he did.

"Meiling," I began, "I'm really sorry."

I needed to apologize to all the people who had cared and worried about me—the people who had loved me when I didn't love myself. But most of all, I needed to apologize to Syaoran, wherever he was. I would have liked to believe that he and the baby were with Touya, waiting for me to join them, whenever that day would be.

I was too absorbed by my own grief that I didn't stop to think that, watching over me, he couldn't have been that far to misery.

And I only wanted him to be happy.

"What happens next?" Meiling asked.

I, too, wanted to know what would happen next_…._but it wasn't possible to tell what would happen in the future. I could only take it one step at a time until I could see the end of the road. It might be a depressing thought to some people, but for me, personally, it was many things—a drive, a purpose, a resolution, a punishment—but none of which was meant to bring me down.

So the question should've been '_What now?_'… Well, that question was simple to answer.

"I want to go home."

Back to where I belonged.

O—o—x—o—O

O—o—x—o—O

(…_present_…)

If I've learned anything over the years, it's that there are many forms of mourning. Some cry until they can't cry anymore. Some choose to not mourn (even if that _is_ a form of mourning). Some run away. Some are brave enough to face their loss and accept the fact that the earth will still spin and time cannot stop.

Me?

I've been through all of that, and some more.

I'm at a point in my life in which I can look back and say, I have done everything that I can possibly do. In a weird way, it's like I'm back to where I've started.

I am alone again.

Alone is a subjective term however, for we are never truly _alone_.

I didn't think I would be able to move on after Syaoran's death, but I did; I found happiness and held on to life.

But as I now sit on the edge by the broken down cabin after outliving my loved ones for so many years, I can't help but wonder:

When _is_ it okay to give up?

* * *

«—THE END—»

Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ

[…**just a short ending note**…] Ahh, I can't believe it's finally over! I should've let you all know from the beginning that I never meant for the story to be realistic—relatable, perhaps, but never realistic. And I know that you guys deserve a lot more than this 'summary'-ish…_thing_ (read: crap), but I don't feel the same way about the story as I once did, so it's not like I don't want to finish the story, it's that I _can't_… Quite pathetic, I know. Nevertheless, I hope you have enjoyed Edge to some extent. To my old readers, I can't begin to thank you enough for your patience with me over the years, along with your unconditional support. You guys are simply amazing. […**thanks for going on this journey with me, everyone...**] – ÆSHA.

P.S. I will go back and rewrite the last scene when the "right" emotions come to me, but for the meantime, you're only getting the gist of it.

.x.

The biggest misconception people have about _Edge_ is that it's a tragic love story.


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